Daxter (2006)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Ready at Dawn

This PSP entry in the Jak and Daxter series stars the titular sidekick in this interlude between the 1st and 2nd games as he tries to free the imprisoned Jak who was captured at the end of the first game, but since he is both a screw-up and a 2 foot tall ottsel (combo of otter and weasel) he just meanders around for 2 years until he accidentally gets a job as an exterminator since the owner is in desperate need of one and will take anybody. Daxter will fight metallic insects for their golden core while maybe, occasionally finding out some new information about Jak's whereabouts.

The gameplay is a solid platformer as it comes out of a series of them, with a few added moves from Daxters exterminator gun that he can use not only to stun bugs, but also use to hover and set things on fire. There are also dream sequences that can teach Daxter new combat moves by doing the same minigame inside of various movie parodies. Though they are hardly necessary since I went the whole game without using any of the moves. The difficulty curve is barely even there. It is less of a curve and more of a brisk walk up a diagonal street. If players have a passing familiarity with the series or even platformers in general the game will be mostly a cakewalk. Not that it is bad, but almost generic.

What sets the series apart as a whole is the characters and in that the game fares better with good voice acting, smooth animation and while Daxter is somewhat obnoxious at least he has a personality. Everything is solid , but nothing really stands out. Fans of the series won't have any problems, but it is barely above average.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on UMD for PSP and downloadable on PSN.

3 could have just walked in the back door out of 5

Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy (2012)

Genre: Rhythm / Music | Players: 1-2 | 

Developer: Square Enix 1st Production Dept. / indieszero

Theatrhythm plays similarly to Elite Beat Agents and other stylus-controlled rhythm games on the DS. However, the notes appear on the top screen while you react on the bottom. This is strange, but serviceable. Gameplay is divided into 4 styles, across 3 modes. In all of these you tap notes, hold notes, and slide the stylus in various directions.

The Series mode has song sets for each of the games, I through XIII. The opening and ending songs are simply bonus stages where you tap the screen as notes pass over a crystal. Relevant dialogue from the games scrolls on top. This is entirely inappropriate as each song deserved to be fully playable. The other three songs in each set are a Field theme, an Event theme, and a Battle theme. Notes in Field themes move across the screen horizontally over animated backgrounds of game locations. Event theme notes dance around the screen in patterns, while gameplay footage plays behind it. Finally, Battle theme notes come across in four rows simultaneously.

It should be noted that you aren’t playing the full songs and this is jarring and inexcusable for Event themes, especially those with lyrics.

The Challenge mode allows you to play songs on higher difficulties. The Chaos Shrine mode is mostly where you amass items and the crystals needed to unlock characters. Speaking of characters, it’s worth noting that each game’s lead (as [sometimes incorrectly] designated by Squeenix) is available from the start so you can construct a party of four. At least one additional character from each game is unlockable.

Here’s the rub: unlocking them takes a decent amount of effort and they start at LEVEL 1. It was bullshit in Tactics and it’s bullshit here. I wanted two additional characters. I threw the first into my party as I started to work on getting the second and it ruined me. So, I would have been stuck with the party I leveled (to 50, mind you) until Snow arrived. Then what? I’d be burnt out and have no desire to play casually using those characters, negating the point of busting my ass entirely.

There’s a multiplayer function to the Chaos Shrine, but there was no reason for me to check it out. If you really like Elite Beat Agents and the lead Final Fantasy characters, give it a shot. USED.

Buyer’s Guide: Available on 3DS and iOS. There’s an expanded version coming soon, but it adds music from XIII-3 and XIV. Who needs that? I don’t. There’s a decent list of downloadable songs on the e-shop, too.

2 Shafted Pasty Dudes out of 5

I do not have binocular fusion and are thus incapable of experiencing 3D. 

Don't ask me how it looks here, or in any other 3DS game.

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater HD (2012)

Genre: Sport  |  Players: 1 - 4  |  Developer: Robomodo

It’s sad when the most you can hope for from a beloved game franchise is that the next entry isn't as weak as the previous one you played. The joy that’s associated with a purchase is replaced by fragile hope or, in the case of THPS, an expectation of disappointment. Having played the game I'm left with the paradoxical feeling that lingers when you expect disappointment and you get disappointment.

It begins in the Warehouse, the first level in the first ever THPS game. It was and still is the perfect place to start for new players and it presented an equally perfect opportunity for developer Robomodo to introduce seasoned pros to any tweaks made to the game’s control style. But right from the off it’s clear that more time was spent making the levels look a little prettier than was spent on bringing a very old control method up to date. I read some place that they had full access to Neversoft’s code, but you’d never know it.

It’s an amalgamation of the first and second games only, so the moves available to the player are limited, but that’s no excuse for the arbitrary way something will work one minute and fail the next. Take Venice, for example; you don’t need to be near the spray cans to pick them up, but jump directly through the middle of the secret DVD and it’ll not even register. Collecting S-K-A-T-E is a game of chance based more on luck than skill. Doing what’s required to perform a specific trick will either do what's expected or do something completely different. And those green fences are the work of Satan; they're so broken.

Subsequent DLC added the ability to revert and offered up three levels from THPS 3 (Canada, Airport, Los Angeles), but my love for THPS 3 keeps me from buying it.

There’s no two player split screen (why the hell not?), but there are online modes (not on PC) for up to four players, including Graffiti, Hawkman, Trick Attack and a new mode called Big Head Elimination.

I sincerely hope that if there's ever another home console Hawk game it manages to capture what made the pre-T.H.U.G games so appealing, so that I can once more give the series the praise it used to deserve.

2 face-plants out of 5

Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright (2005)

Genre: Adventure, Visual Novel | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

If stepping into the shoes of a defense attorney doesn’t sound entirely appealing to you, you aren’t alone. I wasn’t enamored with the idea at first, either. The large cast of quirky, slightly over-the-top, but infinitely endearing characters will see you through this trepidation, but they will not make you enjoy wading through seas of text any more than you already do. An appreciation of old-school point-and-click adventures and visual novels is indeed the most important prerequisite to enjoying this series.

To that end, and this game’s credit, a number of improvements have been implemented that greatly decrease the probability of experiencing DEAD STOPs. Gameplay is divided into two discrete modes: investigation and trial proceedings. On trial days, you will cross-examine witnesses and attempt to expose the real criminals (usually murderers) by pointing out contradictions using evidence you gather while investigating. To relieve the strain on the legal system, trials in this world have been capped at three days. To relieve the strain on your sanity, investigation segments will not end until you’ve found everything the script deems necessary. If you present incorrect evidence, or choose a wrong dialogue option, you are given a strike. Five strikes and you’re out. However, you can save at any time and scum like a boss.

This is not a particularly damning game.

As mentioned, while the characters can be cartoony at times, they are obscenely memorable and painfully relatable. Few things in this world (not just games) have as much heart as the Ace Attorney series. This derives significantly from the cast, which tent-poles a plot that ultimately and masterfully pulls the strings tight on what can initially seem like unconnected trials and events. Don’t get me wrong, the sleuthing and intuiting gameplay is well-executed and leads to some jaw-dropping moments, but it is not the keystone of the series. This is why adventure game fans should give it a shot, even if they don’t have any great interest in the legal system.

This was originally on the GBA in Japan, if you’re so inclined and linguistically equipped. The DS version contains an extra trial that utilizes the system's touch-screen functionality for forensic investigation activities. These are associated with the alternate companion character, Ema Skye. She is awesome. In case 1-5, as that trial is referred to, that is. She also appears in Apollo Justice's game, but her attitude is quite different, and she is no longer the heart of the story, as she is, here—the same as Maya is for the trilogy, as a whole.

This first game has also appeared on PC, Wii (as WiiWare), iOS, and mobile phones (partially). There is a trilogy version available in the West, as a download in the 3DS eShop. According to the AA wiki, there are some changes to the text, in addition to the fixes for the incredibly small number of typos that the series contains. Recently, it was ported to the Switch, PS4, and Xbox One.

Case 1-5 can peculiarly be purchased individually as WiiWare. Perhaps because it was not originally part of the game, and its canon-icity was debatable until it was decided that Ema would be part of Apollo's outing. Personally, I've come down on the opposite side of that debate. Like Reika, in Go-Busters, Ema is a briefly tenured wonder who literally steals the show, the one time that she wrests command of the ship.

 

2023 Update: Given that this franchise, or at least Phoenix's arc, exists to exalt tokusatsu, I can no longer recommend this game, or series.

4½ Well-Deserved Burgers out of 5

Donkey Kong Country Returns (2010)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Retro Studios, Monster Games (3DS)

Donkey Kong’s return to ridiculously difficult platforming brings with it a number of changes that vary in degrees of contentiousness. King K. Rool and his goons are nowhere to be seen and the Kong family has been reduced to Donkey, Diddy, and Cranky. Further, your friends are limited to Rambi and Squawks.

Diddy, for his part, is no longer an independent playable character, if you go it alone. Instead, he acts as two additional hit points, a jet-pack that allows you to slow your descent, and the means to access an infinite roll. A second player can take control of him, however, while still being able to attach themselves to Donkey when they’re feeling generous.

These changes don’t bother me as I’ve always liked Donkey’s lumbering platforming abilities and was bothered by his disappearance from his own series so quickly in the original trilogy. I know many people enjoy the lighter characters, but this is DONKEY KONG Country, after all. The other playable Kongs can take a permanent vacation with Zero as far as I’m concerned.

The change I predictably take issue with is the motion controls. The ground pounding and blowing mechanics are fine and add to the variety of collecting activities but having rolling mapped to a flick of the wiimote is borderline inexcusable. This is notably remedied in the 3DS port. I will admit that it is impressive to see Donkey piloted by the competent hands of speedrunners, though.

Still, I can just BARELY excuse it as the time trials don’t count towards your completion percentage. Collecting the KONG letters in every level is the only thing that matters. Doing so unlocks the challenge levels in each world which, in turn, allow you to gain access to the final area. Clearing it will unlock mirror mode where you will complete the levels backwards, without Diddy, using a single hit point. This allows your percentage to climb to 200%.

There are also 5 to 9 puzzle pieces hidden in each level. I collect them because it allows me to explore the world. The rewards (images and songs) are NOT worth it. You can lease Squawks from Cranky if you have trouble in this endeavor. And, you will.

Overall, if you can live with Diddy’s new, reduced role and the lack of the extended DK and Krool crews, this is a fresh but still very challenging adventure worth tackling.

Buyer’s Guide: Available on the Wii and 3DS. If you feel the need for speed—and can suffer a graphical hit—go with the 3DS version. Many years later, I've had the chance to try it; I don't recommend it. Yes, rolling is mapped to a button press, but it didn't help. It makes Donkey fly past platforms. I'm honestly impressed that the game was explicitly designed around Donkey being slow. That's his thing; it makes him unique in this genre. Think about the time trials the same way as 10 star rankings in Silent Hill: They go against what the game(s) is/are about. You're supposed to linger in atmospheric games; Donkey is supposed to be lumbering. But, speed is a thing for some people. Yay for them; I guess. Can you tell that I've become disillusioned with speedrunning? You can play in a 'new' mode which has additional items appear in Cranky's shop (which you shouldn't need) and gives Donkey and Diddy an additional heart each. 6 Hearts. Jeez. It feels like they wanted to introduce an easy mode; something else anathema to DKC.

The biggest thing is that it makes the corners of the 3DS cut into the palms of my hands, jamming my flesh up into the cutouts in my case. Plus, I already knew that the Chiclet buttons were unacceptable for platforming games.

It's bad. It's miserable. Get it on Wii. No debate.

4 Barrel-Chested Banana Hoarders out of 5

Ys: The Ark of Napishtim (2006)

Genre: Action RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Nihon Falcom Corporation

 Ys is a long running series and this installment picks up from a previous game. The main hero is Adol; a red haired, do-gooder pirate who was thrown from his ship in a storm and has now washed ashore on the Canaan Islands which are home to a mystical race of people called Rehda. Now he must figure out how to leave the island which is no easy feat as the storm that brought him here is actually a never-ending vortex surrounding the whole island that has a reputation for stranding lost travelers, so he must instead try to keep peace between the native Rehda villagers and the settlement of stranded humans.

Gameplay is a standard action-RPG variety. Adol can attack in real time with various upgrade-able swords and can boost his stats with new equipment. There are also a small selection of special moves and a magic spell that changes depending on what weapon is currently being used which must be charged by giving or receiving damage. The enemies are surprisingly varied and the action is quick and simple, but still satisfying. The art and music are top notch though the PSP version was downgraded to sprites from the PS2/PC version with full polygons that change based on Adol's equipment. The only thing really wrong is the loading times. They are far too long and far too frequent. The game loads after exiting EVERY. DAMN. ROOM and can take up to 20 seconds which is sometimes longer than the time that will even be spent in said room. It is massively annoying to load and enter an empty room for that long and then it takes 3 seconds to turn left and boom there is another loading screen. The game was good enough to force my way through it, but it was still problematic. One more nitpick is I had to turn down the SFX volume because the sound of Adol's footsteps were loud as fuck and sounded like he had hooves.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PC, PS2 and PSP. Go for the PS2 version if you can for full polygons, voice acting and to avoid the chronic load times. The only thing the PSP version has going for it is a few added fetch quests and an unlockable media database.

3 Anti-hero assholes in all black out of 5

Bully / Canis Canem Edit (2006)

Genre: Sandbox | Players: 1 | Developer: Rockstar Vancouver (PS2) / Rockstar Toronto (Wii) / Rockstar New England (Xbox 360, PC)

Authority figures: pricks. We all know one. Some of you may even want to be one. For those of us that don’t, Rockstar provides.

The game takes place at Bullworth Academy, a fictional boarding school in New England. It’s similar to the Grand Theft Auto games in that you play a role and have a sandbox environment to kick around in, but it’s not just GTA: School. The scholastic setting is more than just a cosmetic change, and the satire reflects that.

You play as fifteen-year-old Jimmy Hopkins, a troubled youth from an equally troubled home environment. From the beginning it’s clear that Bullworth is as fucked-up as all the other schools that Jimmy has been expelled from, which leaves him with two options: keep his head down and hope the bullies leave him alone, or stand up to them using the kind of methods they understand.

The world may seem small to begin with because you’re confined to school grounds, but progression through the story opens up additional areas to explore and new tasks to undertake.

Between missions you’ll have the opportunity to attend classes that take the form of mini-games. They’re all very simple except for Shop, which is infuriating. It’s not essential to complete all classes, but the rewards for doing so tend to help make progress easier in the missions, so they’re definitely worthwhile.*

Weapons become available (*see above) and fit with the school aesthetic (slingshot, fire crackers, stink bombs, etc), but their use will have consequences.

There’s a lot of stuff to do outside of missions and classes, such as races, shopping and gathering collectibles. They’re not all signposted, so often the onus is on you to explore and find them for yourself. If you've played a Rockstar game before, you'll know how much fun that can be and how much time it can take.

Originally only on PS2, it was later ported to Wii, Xbox 360 and PC as Bully: Scholarship Edition (2008) with additional content. The PS2 version was renamed 'Canis Canem Edit' in PAL territories, a title that more accurately describes the nature of the game world into which Jimmy is unceremoniously thrust.

5 detentions out of 5