Mega Man 2 (1989)

Better art than 1, but still shit.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Though hailed as a classic by many, I'm just not much of a fan of it. I still play it, though. That having been fearlessly stated, I will concede that there are a number of positives!

I really do love the Masters. I’m sincerely glad that they all came back in Mega Man 3. That wasn’t padding. It was honoring, dammit. Because I load this up rather infrequently compared to the rest, I usually have to do the rematches many multiple times. I blame Wily. Though, blame is a poor choice of word. I’m rather glad of it. I love having to do it! It demonstrates to me that the fluidity in the controls did come into being a bit sooner than the third entry. Something about being removed from the stages themselves puts that into perspective. I’ll never ever be able to Buster Shadow Man, but I have a decent grasp on Quick Man and his fleet-footed shenanigans. There’s a wholesome joy to blasting through all of them again and again, until I remember that the hit-box on Wily Machine 2 seems to extend beyond its nose…

Some of the stages are exquisite. I have no qualms whatsoever with doing Quick Man’s as many times as necessary. The disappearing blocks in Heat Man’s are the most notorious in my personal span of the series. There might be more insidious ones out there, but I absolutely respect this set. I enjoy those precarious bastards. On the other end of the spectrum, Crash Man’s is pure monotony and Metal Man’s makes my eyes bleed. While we’re here, one could complain about so many Masters and other bosses being weak to the Metal Blades, but frankly I’m surprised that more aren’t. You’re literally chucking sawblades around, of course destruction is inevitable! The rate at which your supply depletes is broken, as well. Feel free to cheese the game to your heart’s content. Even someone who Busters as much as they feasibly can, like me, ends up using them a decent amount.

The elephant in the room is the Boobeam Trap. It’s pretty bad. I’ll explain why I feel this way: until you know exactly how to do it, it will waylay your first run. If you play as sporadically as me, it’ll stop even subsequent runs dead in their tracks. The stage itself feels overly long with the moving platform sections, and overly cruel with the final gauntlet of Sniper Joes and their mecha walker things. Technical terms, yo. Dying to the trap makes you repeat all of the sections I just detailed. There is no boss hallway checkpoint! The thing that makes it the worst is that the turrets can only be damaged with Crash Bombs. You simply don’t have enough to take out all of the barriers and the turrets. Now, a bit of mercy is shown in that if you make it there again, without getting a game over, the barriers you destroyed will not reappear. Of course, you’ll have to hope you didn’t take the weapon refill capsules at the start (and go back there to get them, if you didn’t) because otherwise you will be FARMING. Oh JOY~

Now, I’m going to draw a direct comparison to explain my thinking. The first Wily stage in the first game also forces me to play it over and over. However, unlike the Boobeam Trap, I rather enjoy the process. Mainly it’s because that stage is not an exercise in exact resource management. You have more than enough Ice Slasher to freeze the Big Eyes and the flame pillars. You have enough Super Arm for all three lives in a round. You are given energy for the Magnet Beam after traversing the pit, immediately before the section it is mandatory for. You restart right before the Yellow Devil. The Thunder Beam is very energy efficient. AND, even if you somehow manage to run out (you won’t, you’ll die first) you can damage it with more than just its weakness!!!

The Boobeam Trap doesn’t break the game, but it exists squarely in the realm of INCREDIBLY IRKSOME, until you know (or remember) what has to happen. I avoid 2 as much as I do, because of it.

“Get Good!”

That requires motivation, son, and this game tends to sap it out of me.

Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). NES Mini. Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

1½ Overrated Tracks out of 5

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (1988)

Genre: Action, Platformer, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Konami

This review is an experiment. Or, more precisely, this playthrough was an experiment. It had been decades since I last played Simon’s Quest, in any serious capacity, and I wanted to judge it as objectively as possible. Were the virtually universal problems with the game actually legitimate complaints? I was determined to find out. There were some solutions that I could not remove from my memory, however. In those cases, I set about determining if there was ANY way to intuit those things in the course of normal play, bereft of Nintendo Power and the strategy guide of its era that I had back then. I fully admit that there was an obscene amount of nostalgia in play, but I did my best to not let that determine the score.

No matter the outcome, I knew a singular truth would remain, one that outreaches its success or failure as a playable and enjoyable experience: this is the kind of game that I like. Honestly, it’s the first game I encountered that won me over with its ATMOSPHERE. I do enjoy the original Castlevania and Dracula’s Curse, and I now believe that those are very successful at creating atmosphere in their own right. This is because of my latter-day experiences with Castlevania IV. However, none of those are the type of game that I innately prefer. Simon’s Quest has you visiting towns, exploring the countryside, finding secrets, and collecting a set of special objects. The engine is very similar to the other two games in the franchise that were released on the NES, but the execution is almost wholly different. You aren’t traveling a fixed path. You have to backtrack and explore the world. Your progression is dependent on finding, buying, and trading items; it’s the first step towards Metroidvania! I love the world and I love the mythos. As a kid, I pored over Oriental Trading catalogues to find exactly the right toys to be Dracula’s body parts. As much as a ring can be a body part, at any rate… I still have my two copies of Christopher Howell's Worlds of Power adaptation! I even had the Tiger Electronics handheld.

Right, onto the game itself: Hearts act as currency and seemingly allow you to level up. There's an experience meter, but in my...experience, I've always leveled up when actually collecting a heart. You have three lives but this only really matters when you’re grinding to buy something. I.e., when you’re trying to buy something, park yourself on the closest screen with enemies and BE CAREFUL until you’ve reached your goal and made the purchase. Okay, okay, continuing does affect the ending you'll receive, as well. I'll get to that in time.

Frankly, this does everything right that Zelda II does wrong. Yeah, you're moving back and forth and up and down levels, but the areas look different. They're colored diversely. Different colored woods, different colored skies, different colored towns. There's as much back and forth in the entire game as there is in, I dunno, the first two palaces in Zelda II? That game is out of its mind. I should have scored it lower.

It is similar to that game in that if you're playing on an NES, you'll be placed back in Jova when entering the password you can ask for when you Game Over. They’re a little lengthy (16 characters), but they aren't the worst I've heard of, and Jova is fairly centrally located. If you're playing on the Virtual Console, just exit to the Wii Menu when on the Game Over screen, without resetting. That way, you can pick up exactly where you left off. You don't even have to write down the passwords thanks to this de-facto save state!

Alright, moment of truth: In my opinion, it's not badly translated. It's deliberately cryptic. The manual even says that some of the townspeople are tricksters! I had one problem, and it was the result of a lack of exploration and an assumption naturally made by the human brain given the specific visual stimuli on display. However, that decidedly is NOT the result of mistranslation. I was able to completely fill out the menu and do EVERYTHING, except proceed to the endgame. I acknowledge that not being able to find Castlevania is an intensely significant act with which to have trouble. However, it is nice to see that the greatest challenge was the final one. Someone more clever and thorough than me could easily manage it. I'm just over the moon that it didn't involve the translation or any of the puzzle-solving!

It was partially MY fault, and partially the designers being intimately aware of the intricacies of human perception and thought processes. I think it's a fair and intelligent challenge. You're free to disagree all you want.

You’ll have to play for speed if you want the 'better' endings, but that’s no different than other games on the system (e.g., Metroid). Also, the ending you’re almost assuredly going to get the first time is completely fine! I like it better than the 'middle' ending, to be frank. Also also, this really is obviously all about the journey.

I'm not sorry, guys; this is an ambitious, fully fleshed-out NES game, whose clue-dependent puzzles can be solved with the text as it was presented. If you'd like to see my justifications for the ones that I couldn't forget the solutions to, please check below the cut. More than anything, though, I'd like this to serve as evidence for my belief that, if you're truly interested in something, you should judge it yourself.

Buyer's Guide: Originally an NES game. It seems it was re-done for the PC. I know for a fact that it was on the Wii and Wii U Virtual Consoles. It's also on the NES mini. It is not, however, on the Famicom Mini. They included Final Fantasy III, instead. Not VI, the real III. What were they thinking!?!?! There's a redacted version out there, available on actual carts, but it should be obvious that I don't think you need to bother with that sort of thing.

4 Deliciously Bloody Tears out of 5

Final Fantasy — 20th Anniversary Edition (2007)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Tose

The first game in this (what came to be) ironically titled series is without question the most basic console RPG experience I’ve ever encountered. Yes, I do believe Mystic Quest is more complex than this is, in any of its iterations. Explore, talk to townsfolk, buy items, exchange items, fight baddies, and grind. That’s it. It’s quaint, almost painfully so.

You’re free to make a party of four, from six classes (Warrior, Thief, Monk, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) and name them after you and your friends or other characters (oh hai Vivi~). The grinding could be considered severe depending on your history and personal tolerances, but it is structured to match the regimented story, at the very least. Gain ten levels to be comfortable in the introductory dungeon and ten more for each subsequent. Level 60 is where you’ll want to be for a winnable final encounter that will still elicit slight fears of failure.

In the original NES release, a pointedly dated/annoying mechanic was the system’s inability to automatically switch your aim to another enemy if the one you originally targeted was defeated by another party member. It’s been fixed in every other version, but it’s not a ‘smart’ system and you’ll still want to be careful about your assignments as you’ll often find your warrior suddenly attacking a smaller enemy that your mages could have taken out either alone, or in tandem, to save you a round of combat.

That’s another thinly veiled tip. Bring more than one mage if you aren’t doing a challenge run, of which there are MANY flavors. Of course, I have to admit that outside of those popular challenges and nostalgia for its own sake, there is NO reason to play this game, today. If you want to experience a standard, classic Final Fantasy, play IV or VI.

This version contains all of the bonus dungeons from the GBA version as well as an exclusive that utilizes a mechanic similar to VIII’s endgame. You’ll be repeatedly handicapping yourself in order to progress. For me, getting extra gear and fighting bosses from the later games is silly, but it’s extra content if you want it.

If you have a PSP and are absolutely sure you want to play it, this IS the version I recommend. All PSP owners need more games and it’s bright, crisp, colorful, and in widescreen here. Win.

Buyer’s Guide: Here we go. /takes deep breath: NES, MSX2 (what?), WonderSwan Color, Playstation (as part of FF Origins, in the west), GBA (as part of Dawn of Souls with II—fuck you II, die in a hole), iOS, PSP, Windows Phone, Android, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console, 3DS eshop, and the NES mini.

 

The Pixel Remasters look like ass trash, to me. I said it.

3 Parts of Neg Still Love To Name Nameless Characters out of 5

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1988)

Genre: Action, Adventure, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo R&D4

I respect franchises that are brave enough to change much of their formula, especially early on. Accordingly, Zelda II’s change to a side-scrolling POV for interiors, random enemy encounters, and hidden overworld areas is not something I classify as a problem. It’s a decision; one that I have no qualms with, in a vacuum. The same is true for the brutal difficulty. There are magic drops in carefully doled out supply that will make progression exceedingly possible, if not delectably care-free.

There are RPG elements in play and while you are welcome to grind your heart out there are measures in place to facilitate a relatively swift adventure. You’ll be given a free level-up for completing each temple. If you use the experience-heavy enemies inside them to level just prior to placing the jewel at the end, you’ll be able to make the most out of this boon.

Regardless of my tolerance for these changes, there is a major problem: those very temples. Much like the original Metroid, there is a sameness to each area. Colors change from place to place, but within each temple it’s the same, from the floors to the walls to the bots drop from….the ceilings…The dungeons in the first game are equally guilty, but being presented top-down with a map system forewent the left-right, up-down experimentation necessary to complete these temples. “I went left last time, but I didn’t go up and then right at that elevator I found when I did, right?” is a conversation no one should have to have with themselves. EVER.

As tedious as one of the main focuses of the series is here, there are a few positives: Ocarina’s sages find their origin in the town names of this version of Hyrule. It’s Error and Bagu’s 'hood, yo. Yet most importantly, to me, is the music. There’s something about the tone that makes it haunting, perched on the precipice of madness. I love it. It should also be noted that a New Game+ exists that allows you to keep your levels and spells.

I can’t in good conscience implore anyone to play this in any serious capacity. If someone you know has it, give it a few minutes. Completing the first temple gives a representative enough feel of the experience.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally an NES game, it’s been ported to the GameCube (on the Zelda Collector’s Edition), the GBA, and every version of the Virtual Console currently in existence. It has also been included on the NES mini.

2 Sides of Yourself Enter, One Leaves out of 5