Final Fantasy XII (2006)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square Enix

XII will always have a place in my memories for being the thing that led me to the circle of friends I’ve cherished for, what will soon be, the past decade. As a game, however, it is a monumental failure. There's very little in the way of things to grab someone both at the outset and in the long run. You're presented with sweeping fields of people as faceless crowds and then faceless combatants. The combat and many of the environments are competently rendered but are boring and un-engaging. Also, what manner of sadistic developer sets the X-Axis to be inverted and doesn't allow it to be changed?!?! You’re provided with a rudimentary programming language by which to indirectly command your party members and while you’ll be quick to tell me that this isn’t dissimilar to XIII, I will tell you right now that you CANNOT make XIII play itself the way you can with XII.

Further, the characters in XIII are engrossing and they do what they do out of love, which is individualistic and easy to get behind, unlike the political drone of XII’s plot. Sazh and Vanille serve as an everyman and obligatory cute girl, sure, but as the game progresses they are given compelling and critical story relevance unlike the whingy Vaan and non-existent Penelo. Because of the structure of XIII and its post-game content, you cannot faff around long enough to lose the thread of the plot. You can work on XII’s side-content, which adds virtually nothing to the story, for literal days on end, losing it entirely for insanely massive periods of time. It’s all tick-the-box fare and hunts that don’t have the emotional pull of XIII’s, which demonstrate how the fate of a L’Cie destroys all manner of human relationships. XII also sets up requirements you’re sure to fail at, nearly instantly, damning you to a second playthrough, endless resets, or direct RNG manipulation. None of which are fair to players and simply force your hand in buying a guide or gluing your eyes to GameFAQs. The things you can reattempt, like spawning rare game and chaining enemies for drops, are usually incredibly esoteric and convoluted, especially as those two are not always mutually exclusive.

It feels like they designed a single-player MMO and that’s simply a contradiction of terms. This sort of content needs to be made bearable by the banter of your friends and done over the course of years, for hours at a time, when you’re all available. There really is something genuinely pathological to me about tackling the depth of it alone, in isolation.

For me, XII fails in every way that XIII succeeds. The characters and political nonsense are (almost entirely) flat and uninteresting. The side-quests outweigh the main story by many magnitudes. There’s no legitimate emotional resonance in it for me, or between most of the characters. A slight hint at something in the ending cinematic is far from enough. There's virtually no humanity on display, whatsoever. The focus of this entry is one that does not gel with me, even though I did put in multiple hundreds of hours, during a different era of my life. The only purpose it ever served was to kill time, which has not been enough for me, for quite a while now. Perhaps it was the beginnings of me expecting more, out of gaming, out of fiction, and out of life.

1 Stirring Statement in the Entire Bloody Thing out of 5

Final Fantasy — 20th Anniversary Edition (2007)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Tose

The first game in this (what came to be) ironically titled series is without question the most basic console RPG experience I’ve ever encountered. Yes, I do believe Mystic Quest is more complex than this is, in any of its iterations. Explore, talk to townsfolk, buy items, exchange items, fight baddies, and grind. That’s it. It’s quaint, almost painfully so.

You’re free to make a party of four, from six classes (Warrior, Thief, Monk, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) and name them after you and your friends or other characters (oh hai Vivi~). The grinding could be considered severe depending on your history and personal tolerances, but it is structured to match the regimented story, at the very least. Gain ten levels to be comfortable in the introductory dungeon and ten more for each subsequent. Level 60 is where you’ll want to be for a winnable final encounter that will still elicit slight fears of failure.

In the original NES release, a pointedly dated/annoying mechanic was the system’s inability to automatically switch your aim to another enemy if the one you originally targeted was defeated by another party member. It’s been fixed in every other version, but it’s not a ‘smart’ system and you’ll still want to be careful about your assignments as you’ll often find your warrior suddenly attacking a smaller enemy that your mages could have taken out either alone, or in tandem, to save you a round of combat.

That’s another thinly veiled tip. Bring more than one mage if you aren’t doing a challenge run, of which there are MANY flavors. Of course, I have to admit that outside of those popular challenges and nostalgia for its own sake, there is NO reason to play this game, today. If you want to experience a standard, classic Final Fantasy, play IV or VI.

This version contains all of the bonus dungeons from the GBA version as well as an exclusive that utilizes a mechanic similar to VIII’s endgame. You’ll be repeatedly handicapping yourself in order to progress. For me, getting extra gear and fighting bosses from the later games is silly, but it’s extra content if you want it.

If you have a PSP and are absolutely sure you want to play it, this IS the version I recommend. All PSP owners need more games and it’s bright, crisp, colorful, and in widescreen here. Win.

Buyer’s Guide: Here we go. /takes deep breath: NES, MSX2 (what?), WonderSwan Color, Playstation (as part of FF Origins, in the west), GBA (as part of Dawn of Souls with II—fuck you II, die in a hole), iOS, PSP, Windows Phone, Android, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console, 3DS eshop, and the NES mini.

 

The Pixel Remasters look like ass trash, to me. I said it.

3 Parts of Neg Still Love To Name Nameless Characters out of 5

Front Mission 4 (2004)

Genre: Turn-based Strategy | Players: 1 | Developer: Square Enix Product Development Division 6

An assault is undertaken on a series of German military bases by an unknown and powerful wanzer force that all but cripples the German military's capabilities. As quickly as they appeared, they disappear into the night. The collective European allied nations known as the European Community (E.C.) send in the Durandal, a team of pilots and researchers specializing in wanzer combat including new recruit and protagonist Elsa Elaine, to help with the investigation and uncover who is behind the attack. Meanwhile, a half a world away, Venezuela declares independence from the United Continental States (U.C.S.) and is now embroiled in a conflict between UCS troops and the state army forces. 2nd protagonist UCS sergeant Darril Traubel and his 3-man wanzer squad are slacking off on their rear guard duties as usual when a state army plane is shot down and they are the first to the crash. The plane's only cargo is a crate filled with gold; the funds embezzled by the corrupt Venezuelan governor from the people. Darril and the squad, unhappy with their career trajectories decide to steal the gold, go AWOL and make plans to abscond with the cash out of the country which proves much more difficult than expected.

Gameplay takes place on some rather large battlefields with possibly daunting tactical depth. There are many stats to be aware of for both the pilots and the wanzers and also how they interact with each other. There are prebuilt wanzer models for players who don't get off on all that number crunching, but deep customization is the only way to get the most out of your units. There are AP points that dictate how many actions a pilot can take in a turn, EP that can be spent to learn skills and boost stats and Link points that can be assigned to friendly pilots so they can act in tandem providing they have enough AP and are in range.

Weapons are in 1 of 3 categories of Melee, Ranged and Long Range. Melee weapons only hit once and can only be used adjacent to an enemy, but only cost 1 AP. Ranged weapons cost more AP to use and are limited by ammo and accuracy, but hit multiple wanzer parts. Long Range weapons have huge attack range and power, but cost large amouns of AP to use, have very limited ammo, and are extremely heavy so only large, slow wanzers can carry them. There are also 3 different types of armor; Impact, Piercing and Fire. Only 1 type can be used at a time (at first), but if it is the counter to the enemies' weapon then damage will be cut by a third. There are also support abilities with new backpacks that can be used to carry items, inflict status ailments, extend missile range and call in air support. Using all of these factors in tandem along with optimizing wanzer parts will let players tear through the opposition. The only problem with it besides its daunting depth is it isn't entirely necessary until later in the plot because of enemy A.I. that is pretty unchallenging. Enemies don't often work together, leaving damaged easy kills to attack another pilot that they have a fixation on and also not using Links effectively, often being linked with a unit on the other side of the map. Although once enemies figure that out later, it is a whole different ballgame.

The graphics are pretty, though bland. Colors are washed out and lots of textures are flat and uninteresting which might at least be in theme with a mech game I suppose. The cinematics are top notch as is expected from Squeenix. There isn't a whole lot of replayability. You can start a new game with all your EP and money from a previous game, but only the hardcore will care to use that boost to try different setups and unlock all the hidden Simulator battles which are the only way of grinding.
For those who like it, incredible depth of tactics and a suspenseful political plot with some decent voice acting outweighs the easy difficulty curve and serviceable, but bland visuals.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for the PS2.

4 Everything explodes out of 5

Front Mission Evolved (2010)

Genre: 3rd Person Shooter | Players: 1 - 8 | Developer: Double Helix Games

Dylan Ramsey is on the job testing his company's new wanzer (aka mech) prototype in New York when a mysterious force invades and destroys the city's orbital elevator as well as the building where Dylan's father works as a wanzer scientist. Dylan then takes a special commission in the army to avenge his father and take down the soldiers responsible which will set him into a larger geopolitical quagmire (as it always does in this series).

The latest and most likely last entry in the Front Mission series ditches the turn-based tactical gameplay for a more traditional 3rd person action experience. Traditional being the key word as the gameplay is pretty standard. Despite being in mechs, there isn't a whole lot that distinguishes it from any other 3rd person shooter or even the sections outside of the wanzers. The wanzers can feel lumbering, but it is mostly tedious when you just want to skate to get around faster, but can't because the gauge needs to refill. Shooting outside of wanzers is even more generic as now the fleeting feeling of piloting a mech is gone and all the player is left with is a cookie cutter shooter. Not to mention these on-foot sections are so incredibly piss-easy that they feel like padding just to add a "feature" to the back of the box. You rarely encounter a handful of enemies at a time and there is spare ammo everywhere. The auto aim is also broken if the target is moving at all. Turning it off actually made the shooting much better since I could shoot while they were moving instead of endless cover-based pop-up potshots.

Customizing the wanzer for different objectives can be great fun, but the generic action doesn't really lend itself to anything other than the standard mid-range weapons outside of plot specific events where the game forces you to play differently. Sure there is limb specific damage, but it doesn't really matter since enemies and yourself can still use them, just less effectively. Destroying legs does make enemies and the player move slower, but in the space of 20 second battles, the same amount of time and effort could just be used killing most enemies. The boss battles are a different beast and are where actually knowing the advantages of different setups is actually helpful as well as all the piloting controls since if you don't the battle will literally be over in 3 seconds. This can be problematic if your setup isn't up to the task and you don't have any cash to switch loadouts forcing you to switch to weaker and cheaper parts to change weapons. This is a crack in the difficulty curve, but the battles are exciting and really the highlight of the game. The feeling of piloting was less fleeting while skating to avoid missiles while simultaneously firing a machine gun, locking on missile targets and avoiding EMP bombs. There is also the E.D.G.E. system which is just another name for bullet-time which works fine, but I went most of the game without using.

The story is serviceable, though simplified. The intricate political plots of past entries are mostly gone, for better or worse. In its place is a much more generic revenge plot with an unnecessary romantic subplot that the game doesn't even take the time to earn any emotional investment in as well as other opportunities involving changing loyalties and deaths of characters. Despite the balance issues and the overall generic gameplay, there are some shining bits of entertainment to be found.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on PS3, Xbox 360 and PC

3 insane bands of mercenaries out of 5

Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy (2012)

Genre: Rhythm / Music | Players: 1-2 | 

Developer: Square Enix 1st Production Dept. / indieszero

Theatrhythm plays similarly to Elite Beat Agents and other stylus-controlled rhythm games on the DS. However, the notes appear on the top screen while you react on the bottom. This is strange, but serviceable. Gameplay is divided into 4 styles, across 3 modes. In all of these you tap notes, hold notes, and slide the stylus in various directions.

The Series mode has song sets for each of the games, I through XIII. The opening and ending songs are simply bonus stages where you tap the screen as notes pass over a crystal. Relevant dialogue from the games scrolls on top. This is entirely inappropriate as each song deserved to be fully playable. The other three songs in each set are a Field theme, an Event theme, and a Battle theme. Notes in Field themes move across the screen horizontally over animated backgrounds of game locations. Event theme notes dance around the screen in patterns, while gameplay footage plays behind it. Finally, Battle theme notes come across in four rows simultaneously.

It should be noted that you aren’t playing the full songs and this is jarring and inexcusable for Event themes, especially those with lyrics.

The Challenge mode allows you to play songs on higher difficulties. The Chaos Shrine mode is mostly where you amass items and the crystals needed to unlock characters. Speaking of characters, it’s worth noting that each game’s lead (as [sometimes incorrectly] designated by Squeenix) is available from the start so you can construct a party of four. At least one additional character from each game is unlockable.

Here’s the rub: unlocking them takes a decent amount of effort and they start at LEVEL 1. It was bullshit in Tactics and it’s bullshit here. I wanted two additional characters. I threw the first into my party as I started to work on getting the second and it ruined me. So, I would have been stuck with the party I leveled (to 50, mind you) until Snow arrived. Then what? I’d be burnt out and have no desire to play casually using those characters, negating the point of busting my ass entirely.

There’s a multiplayer function to the Chaos Shrine, but there was no reason for me to check it out. If you really like Elite Beat Agents and the lead Final Fantasy characters, give it a shot. USED.

Buyer’s Guide: Available on 3DS and iOS. There’s an expanded version coming soon, but it adds music from XIII-3 and XIV. Who needs that? I don’t. There’s a decent list of downloadable songs on the e-shop, too.

2 Shafted Pasty Dudes out of 5

I do not have binocular fusion and are thus incapable of experiencing 3D. 

Don't ask me how it looks here, or in any other 3DS game.

Xenogears (1998)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Squaresoft

I missed this one the first time around, but being an avid fan of all things Square I pulled it off PSN. The game starts with our protagonist Fei Fong Wong who has been brought to a small town with a bad case of that ever-so-useful amnesia. After a few years of peaceful living, a centuries long conflict between the 2 nations of Aveh and Kislev spill over into town and the town is destroyed in the battle between the armies' huge mechs called "gears". Now Fei must travel the continent with the town doctor Citan and discover the origins of the conflict and the forces behind it that may go back even farther.

Gameplay is a fairly standard RPG model with a twist on the turn based battles. During each character's turn, they are assigned attack points that can be used for either low, medium or high powered attacks that are mapped to the triangle, square and X buttons respectively. Using different combinations will allow the use of special deathblow combos that can be learned with experience. Unused AP can also be saved and then used for a long string of deathblows for devastating damage. There is also ether points (EP) that are this universe's form of magic which acts in an identical way to most other RPGs, but the main draw for most is probably the battles inside of the gears. Gear battles are pretty much the same except AP is replaced with fuel which every attack consumes as well as any special abilities the gear might have like healing. Woe be to the player who gets stuck fighting a gear sized enemy without their own gear.

The story starts out almost cliche, but gets more interesting as more subplots and characters are added. Then it goes too far in the opposite direction with so much going on that the whole narrative becomes muddled and confusing. The majority of the subplots are never resolved and it comes to a head on disc 2 when they are all mostly dropped completely as is most of the actual game.The story becomes a long slog of characters narrating events to the player instead of actually playing it out. Only sparse scenarios interrupt this shift with things like the world map and visiting towns and such disappearing completely until the endgame. This fault line was so bleh that I almost stopped playing, especially when I sat for over an hour reading narration with no gameplay. Whatever the reasons for the rift, it mars the game and it took considerable effort to maintain the motivation to keep going which I did mostly to justify the hours already spent. The themes based off of different psychological practices were interesting until they became overblown like everything else. There is a bunch of stuff ranging from reincarnation and gene manipulation to nano machines and living gods when just picking one would have made a much more cohesive experience. It feels like a bad case of spectacle creep and a nasty extension of the weird habit Japan has of giving divine qualities to large robots that I am rarely willing to accept. They can never just be weapons.

Otherwise the game held up better than most of the time even if the sparse anime cutscenes are nowadays nothing special and the voice-overs for them are laughably out of synch and there are way too many random battles, often within a few seconds of the previous one ending. Altogether, an interesting experience if not always an enjoyable one.

Buyer's Guide:
The original PS1 release is a collectors item, so expect to pay a premium for it even though it is now available for download on PSN.

2½ But at least there was kung-fu and gun-slinging priests out of 5

Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix (2013)

Genre: RPG / Action  |  Players: 1  |  Developer: Square Enix

HD 1.5 Remix contians two full games and FMV from a third title. The two games are KH: Final Mix (an updated version of KH), KH: Re:Chain of Memories (an updated version of KH:CoM), and the FMV is from KH: 358/2 Days. Rather than deal with what each game is (and isn't), I’ll list the changes that have been made for those that want to decide if it's worth double-dipping.

KH: Final Mix:

• The camera is now controlled via the right analogue stick, not the shoulder buttons. It feels more natural on a stick but it’s not without problems. It can be a struggle to get it where you want it and not have Goof’s giant head filling the screen. Plus, unless you have a third thumb it’s now no longer moveable when gliding, which is a real problem.
• There's a handful of new Heartless to wrap your Keyblade around, and many of the usual ones have been recoloured.
• There’s new weapons (including alternate Ultimate weapons), ten new abilities, over a dozen new accessories, additional Gummi ship missions (*cringe), new Ansem Reports, and even some new FMV both in story mode and related to the new optional bosses.

However, the tweak that'll change your gaming experience the most from how you remember it is the game difficulties, of which there are three:

• Final Mix Beginner:  You begin with a Ribbon, an EXP Chain, 8 Power Ups, 8 Guard Ups and 4 AP Ups.
• Final Mix:  I assumed this would be the equivalent of Normal from the original release so I chose it, but it isn't. The Gummi Ship takes twice as much damage and your attack power is cut by one third.
• Final Mix Proud:  The Gummi Ship's attack is reduced by 1/2, and damage taken is increased by a factor of 4. Yikes.

KH: Re:Chain of Memories:

• CoM is now in a 3D environment. You can move around as you would in the original KH, but the transition from GBA sprites into PS2 era polygons makes it less enjoyable for a time. It was easier to accept the restrictions/limitations of the card system when it was on a handheld, but seeing it so close to being something it isn't makes those limitations less bearable. I wanted to do away with the cards altogether and gain real control of the battle system.
• Thankfully, attaining stronger ATK cards means that becomes less of an issue in the second half. The addition of new bosses and some really awesome Sleights (special moves) also helped it eventually surpass the original in many ways.
• The soundtrack has been improved, there’s new FMV and voice work, but when clown shoes speaks he sounds like he’s in his mid-twenties.

KH: 358/2 Days:

• The FMV from the DS title is included but contains no actual gameplay. It’s as if Jim Bowen has walked into your room and said, “You’re a loser, but let’s have a look at what you could've won!” I assume its inclusion was to help newcomers get up to speed with the *story* before the inevitable KH 2.5 Remix collection comes out. Prepare to hate Roxas.

4 arrogant dicks in black coats out of 5

Final Fantasy IX (2000)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: SquareSoft

The ninth installment of Square's flagship series is a return to its roots, ditching the cyberpunk and sci-fi trappings of VII and VIII and returning to a more classical medieval fantasy setting with a generally more lighthearted tone in both plot and character design. The main protagonist Zidane is a thief whose group of thieves/theater actors has been hired to kidnap Princess Garnet of the Alexandria kingdom. He is surprised when she actually wants to be kidnapped, but Queen Brahne of course isn't happy about it. After their airship crashes during the escape an adventure begins at first to get Garnet to safety and then to explore the reasons for the Queen's increasingly aggressive actions that threaten to plunge the whole of the known world into war.

The return to roots in setting is also in the gameplay mechanics such as the return to a 4 member party limit and exclusive classes between characters as well as numerous callbacks and references to the series as a whole. The leveling and abilities have been simplified and the whole game is much more accessible and user-friendly, making this a good entry point for new players. Though the game feels much shorter than other installments and it actually is since it is possible to complete the game in less than 20 hours which is a fraction of most JRPGs. One sidequest even requires a time limit to the endgame of 12 hours. Of course how much the player chooses to indulge in the leveling, minigames and sidequests will affect how much time and joy they get out of the gameplay which is good for experienced players.

The aesthetics are very well-designed with the bright and slighty cartoony backgrounds as well as the more stylized and deformed characters ranging from standard humans to anthropomorphized hippos and anteaters. This is only hampered by the limits of the console it was designed for as the PlayStation was on its last legs at the time of this release. The pixels on top of polygons effect that was used does squeeze more detail out of the hardware, but adds to it sometimes grainy and muddled visuals. Whatever that lacks in visuals though is made up in story and characters. The 8 main characters are all likeable and relatable with each trying to overcome their own problems ranging from existential crisis, the nature of duty and honor, love and loss and loneliness, etc.  The adventure is not only a quest for a goal, but also a personal growth journey for each of them. My personal favorite of the series as well as that of the series' creator as it represents everything that the series was envisioned to be.

Buyer's Guide:
Can be found for the original PlayStation in both the original and Greatest Hits releases and as a PSone Classic on PlayStation Network.

4½ Surprisingly no palette swaps of enemies out of 5

Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days (2009)

Genre: RPG / Action | Players: One / Multi | Developer: Square Enix

358/2 Days is an interquel that begins around the time of the first game’s end, runs parallel with KH: Chain of Memories, and ends a short time before the beginning of KH II. It’s advisable to have played both KH and KH II if you’re to have any hope of following the half-assed story. If you bypass the others and pick this as your first KH experience you’ll be very, very confused. I've played both of them more than once and I was still confused.

Tetsuya Nomura was quoted as saying that if you want to know what the 358/2 means, you’ll need to finish the game. I did, and I still don’t know what it means. Finishing the game didn't answer many questions, it raised more. KH was already a convoluted mess, it didn't need this shit.

The biggest problem with the game is that it’s about Roxas. No one cares about Roxas. I'm aware that he’s supposed to be defined by his lack of personality, but that doesn't give the player anything to connect with. Being Roxas is as dull as licking magnolia paint... in the dark.

You’ll visit familiar worlds and see familiar faces, but once there missions are tedious. Kill Heartless. Collect hearts. Kill Heartless. Collect hearts.

Happily, there are some positives. The gameplay is polished and the controls are responsive. There are a lot of different moves mapped to the DS’s limited number of buttons. There’s even some doubling-up, so it’ll take a while to be able to effectively replenish your Limit (powerful attack), use items or cast magic if you haven’t got what you need assigned to a short-cut.

There’s something called a Panel System that lets you customise your weapon, armour, magic, items, abilities and character level if you have the appropriate slot filler. During missions you can use only the items, spells, etc, that you equipped on your panels prior to setting out. You’ll have to think carefully about what to position where, because things are shaped like Tetris blocks.
As you progress your panel will get larger enabling more items to be attached. It’s an interesting if occasionally frustrating system.

I'm constantly amazed at the visual splendour that devs like Ninty and Square are able to squeeze into such a small screen; it really is beautiful to look at, but I see no reason why it was exclusive to the DS. I didn't use the stylus once. It could easily have been ported to the PSP.

One tip: Before you go for the final boss battle, make sure you've plenty of battery power, because it’ll be a long time before you can save your game.

2½ ice creams out of 5

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep (2010)

Genre: Action RPG | Players: 1 - 6 | Developer: Square Enix

The Kingdom Hearts series has what many thought would be a ridiculous premise; A crossover mash-up of Disney characters and those of Final Fantasy. It is in some ways very ridiculous, but it works if the player just lets it play out. Birth By Sleep is the prequel entry in the series, taking place 10 years prior to the first game. It follows the 3 main protagonists in separate, but concurrent journeys going through different Disney worlds to battle the forces of darkness which manifests as varying monsters called the Unversed.

The combat is smooth action with a touch of RPG leveling that is very satisfying at times, but may be a little daunting for new players as there are a myriad of options and menus to navigate to make the combat effective. There is the command deck that must be stocked with commands akin to the card system of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (slightly streamlined), the action commands that are used outside of battle and the shotlock command which can only be used with the focus gauge. Players have up to 3 decks that can be modified to suit different situations. All these commands also themselves level up and can be melded together to form new commands and modified with crystals to give various equip-able abilities. There is also the Dimension Link which allows players to use the commands of various characters they encounter along their journey as well as the command board which is a minigame that lets players level up their commands in a monopoly-type board game. It's a lot to take in, but with practice the battles become even more exciting and engaging.

Cons are a somewhat easy difficulty even on the harder settings since it is very easy to spam all the options listed above until they recharge which works even on bosses. This entry hardly features any Final Fantasy characters and despite 3 different character stories to go through, is rather short. But a lot is packed into such a small portable package with some excellent animation and voice work (mostly) as I suppose it should be given Disney is an animation studio. The multiplayer is ad-hoc wireless only, but has both competitive and co-op modes and can support up to six players. A wonderful entry in the series that shows the series' progression and yet is still familiar.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PSP on both UMD and PSN.

4 spoilers given away in the opening animation out of 5

Dirge of Cerberus (2006)

Genre: 3rd-Person Shooter, Action, RPG | Players: 1

Developer: Square Enix Product Development Division 1

...you can sleep in a coffin, but the past ain't through with you...

This is a steaming pile of shit in the most vital way: the gameplay. Movement is stiff, you can only jump off ledges when the designers want you to, and most heinous of all, you’re going to be told you suck on your first playthrough. This was actually intended to be played over and over. Hence, your likely only pass is going to be riddled with disappointment, ad nauseum presses of R1, and most of the bad-assery being left to fight-ending cinematics. Not that I really mind that SO much, considering QTEs are nowhere to be found. Silver linings can be absolutely microscopic, sometimes.

The enemy team Squeenix cooked up has a purpose, in the long run, but are ultimately there to provide Vinny with boss fights other than military hardware. Even still, he’s got a huge beef with helicopters if this game is any indication. The main conflict works within the world’s mythos, at least. We could probably debate whether that’s good or bad.

As I drove on, I again found myself getting caught up in it; It’s a numb feeling akin to being stuck on the side of a Katamari ball, I suppose. Near the end, Vincent seems to realize he’s in a video game and most people are going to find the culmination to ring a bit sour because of it. There really isn’t that much revealed in terms of his character’s arc. It is nice to see stuff from VII play out in 3D cutscenes, though. Yuffie is presented well and her interactions with Vincent are very pleasant, if predictable. Reeve, however, shines by far the brightest before the game finally realizes who’s on the box cover.

If you like Vincent and have a high tolerance for shit, this will likely be the guiltiest of pleasures. If he didn’t spark your interest with his appearance in the main game, avoid at all costs.

I feel like I should start shopping at Hot Topic for liking this at all.

Buyer's Guide: PS2 exclusive. Wiki says it's on PSN. They lie, thankfully. It did somehow receive a Greatest Hits release, and it's probably the only one that has ever actually worked, aesthetically. I.e., I'm glad I sold my original and ended up with the re-release on my shelf. There was a tie-in on mobile phones, once upon a time, but I'm sure it's lost to the digital aether, now.

Now that I've reviewed VIII, it's especially pertinent to note that Quistis and Selphie's character models get re-used, here, as....ZOMG, actual CHARACTERS 😄

1½ 'I had enough things to be guilty about, as it was' out of 5

Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (2004)

Genre: Action / RPG  |  Players: 1 |  Developer: Square Enix

Chain of Memories takes place between the original Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts II, both on PS2. Unlike those games, it uses a card-based combat system that'll take some time to explain fully. It isn't turn based. The cards dictate the kind of attack you do and the power of that attack, which is then carried out in real-time when you press the attack button. You can cycle through cards to choose attack, heal, etc, when needed. If your opponent simultaneously draws a higher card than you, your attack will be deflected. If your opponent draws a lower card than you, your attack will deal damage. That's the boring basics.

During combat you’ll run out of cards, but they can be replenished. Doing so leaves you vulnerable for a time; it’s usually then that you’ll get your ass handed to you. Each subsequent time your cards need replenished the longer it'll take.

You can customise, rename and save decks to suit each situation, up to a maximum of three; once customised they aren't set in stone so you can modify them easily. This is further complicated by requiring you to have adequate Card Points. Each card has a unique CP value, so you’ll have to decide which is the best combination at any given time. As you level up you can increase your maximum CP to create a stronger deck and kick more Heartless ass.

There are other modifiers and abilities granted by equipping secondary cards, but they cost a lot of CP. If your head is beginning to melt, don't worry. It’s complicated to describe but makes sense in practice. It's like the difference between tying your shoelaces and describing to someone else how to do it.

A high degree of tactics is involved initially, but once you gather a decent deck it’ll be the usual KH method of repeated button-bashing; except during boss battles, many of whom you'll recognise from earlier games. KH fans should enjoy it. KH haters should enjoy hating it. It's business as usual but with cards.

3½ Keyblades in your dark parts out of 5

Deus Ex: Human Revolution (2011)

Genre: FPS, RPG, Stealth | Players: 1 | Developer: Eidos Montreal

Eidos takes the reins for the Deus Ex franchise with some help from Square-Enix who have begun to make a push towards publishing since they have recently forgotten how to make games and are now buying up other developers to make games for them. In the case of Eidos, it has paid off with an entry in the series that more than lives up to the franchise's pedigree.

Adam Jensen is the new head of security of Sarif Industries who produce biomechanical augmentation technology. Just before an important congressional hearing, a group of soldiers storm the laboratory complex killing scientists and destroying equipment and research during which they brutally put Adam down. Adam is then augmented to save his life from his massive injuries. 6 months afterwards, Adam is healed and called back to look into who is behind the attacks as there are a number of suspects including rival companies and purists who object to augmentations among others.

Like the rest of the series, players are given a great amount of freedom in how they approach mission objectives. Cover-based gunplay and stealth can be used and enhanced with a wide array of choices in augmentations to suit either play-style. Augmentations can be gained with points by completing objectives or buying upgrades at clinics which is where the RPG part of the game comes in as well as extensive weapon modification. There is also a great emphasis on character interaction. Players will often have multiple conversation choices and characters will react differently based on what players choose versus the character's personality. Depending on the person, players can flatter their vanity, appeal to their reason or just plain coerce them into giving up information. Also whether the player uses lethal force or not can affect gameplay.

The depth of story and themes of trans-human ethics give a rich experience along with solid gameplay. There are only so many character models, but Eidos tried their best to cover it up with mixed results as players may notice a lot of the same faces running around. The levels are surprisingly big given the detail put into them and while shorter than the original, the length is surprisingly long for a modern game. At least 20 hours depending on player skill and sidequests chosen. There were some technical hiccups like NPC's sinking slightly into the pavement and such, but nothing game breaking. The boss battles were somewhat incongruous with the rest of the game, but that is to be expected when they are done by a totally different studio. Pretty, but not shallow with some replay value.

Buyer's Guide:

Available on PC, Mac, PS3 and 360. There is also downloadable content called The Missing Link.

4 The I.T. guy is an abrasive douchebag, like a lot of real counterparts out of 5

Final Fantasy XIII-2 (2012)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square-Enix

Somehow, Squeenix managed to screw up every single facet of XIII-2. Instead of bringing back the stellar cast of the original, it was decided that monsters would fill the third slot in your party. The system is similar to Lufia II’s, in that you give your monsters items as opposed to leveling them in a traditional manner. It’s a serviceable enough system, but why should we be denied the cast when they are all actually in the game?

In terms of gameplay improvements, you are now allowed to save paradigm decks (a feature sorely lacking from the original) in A GAME WITH NO CHARACTER SWITCHING.

Roles are now leveled from 1 to 99 and the majority of the skills are given to you near the beginning of each skill track. There doesn’t feel like there is much progression from around lvl 40 to the high 80s and 90s, in the main quest.

Further, the roles are denied crucial skills such as Haste (which is dependent on getting pre-emptive strikes) and the En-spells. Synergists and Saboteurs are not necessary for the majority of the main quest but are crucial to the final battles. This leaves one scratching their head as to why you’re able to complete the game almost exclusively using the Cerberus paradigm—a very erroneous criticism leveled at the original game.

In the main quest, you only visit a handful of areas (repeatedly). Besides Academia (the new Zozo) they are relatively small and lackluster. Questing within them is banal and insultingly bad, to boot, as quest items are just found in chests.

The characters from the original make cameos, as noted, but the plot of this game makes an intelligent character seem like a dolt constructing a Rube Goldberg-esque solution to what should ultimately be a non-problem.

Most egregiously, the story somehow simultaneously rehashes part of the original’s plot while managing to also completely invalidate its entire point. It’s a slap in the face to fans of the original and while it may not be the worst game I’ve played on a technical level, it is the worst in as much as it ruins characters I am invested in on an emotional level.

Oh, and you’re going to have to buy the real ending as dlc.

Buyer’s Guide:
Sadly, this is currently widely available for both the PS3 and the Xbox 360.

0 Nu-metal Chocobo Themes Should Have Ever Existed out of 5

Nutted by NEG

Final Fantasy XIII (2010)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square-Enix

The thirteenth entry in the ubiquitous series is hands-down the most divisive. Unquestionably the Xenosaga fan’s Final Fantasy, XIII buoys its story on the back of an insane amount of cutscenes. For the majority of the game, movement is contained in gloriously rendered, yet painfully linear areas, between said cutscenes. In the beginning, emphasis is heavily placed on moving the story forward and teaching you the intricacies of the highly kinetic battle system. The story does take a long time to get moving, and the potential of the battle system cannot be witnessed until late in the game when you finally get access to the entire party and everyone can start learning all 6 roles, as opposed to their native 3.

If you have a great deal of patience and can appreciate that the confusion inherent to much of the story is intentional—in service of the overarching metaphor—then you should be able to enjoy yourself until the game opens up in the eleventh chapter (of, you guessed it, thirteen). At this time, you can take advantage of a good percentage of the optional hunts presented to you, if you prepare accordingly. The more challenging hunts can only be taken on successfully after a final set of upgrades is presented post-game. XIII rewards fans of its battle system both before and after the credits roll.

One should be aware that the story begins in media res and characters do not always relay all important information outloud. It pays off greatly to read the voluminous datalog that is provided, as well as the vignettes presented with each hunt, which provide further insight into the denizens of the game.

Focusing on what happens when you are suddenly and violently excluded from society, your home, family, and friends and enslaved by a fate you seem completely unable to change, XIII embodies a premise that transcends its literal presentation and has the potential to speak to so many players.

With one of the smallest and most well-realized casts in the series’ history, XIII delivers a simplified jrpg experience for those willing to take the time to appreciate it. If you want high degrees of freedom, go play the Fallout or Elder Scrolls series. This game should not be criticized for what it isn’t (and people in the West have become accustomed to), but celebrated for what it is.

Buyer’s Guide:
Available on the PS3 and Xbox 360. It’s unfairly cheap, these days.

5 Unclear Focuses out of 5
If you want to hear me praise it even more, check out my review of XII.

Nutted by NEG

Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions (2007)

Genre: Turn-based strategy | Players: 1-2 Vs. or Co-op | Developer: Square Enix

Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions brings the Playstation classic to the PSP with new characters, job classes, cut scenes, a new translation and multiplayer.

Gameplay:
Battles unfold on isometric battlefields where characters take turns maneuvering and attacking with a variety of weapons, spells, animals and job classes; all with different strengths and weaknesses. Players must also be aware of terrain, height and enemy placement to complete their objective. Battles can be very complex and satisfying for strategy and RPG enthusiasts. New additions now include wireless multiplayer where players can fight versus or co-op to complete missions and earn new weapons and items.

Graphics:
The new FMV cutscenes are beautifully done in a cel-shading art style and the original aesthetic is enhanced by the new widescreen aspect ratio. Unfortunately, almost every action in battle is met with annoying slowdown.

Sound:
The soundtrack is one of Square Enix’s best and the voice acting for FMV’s is excellent. Sound effects in battle are affected by the slowdown, often finishing long before their respective action.

Story:
The end of a 50 year war has left rampant crime and poverty. The king dies and a regent is needed for his infant son to rule. Two candidates emerge; One with the banner of a black lion who is supported by the nobility and the other with the banner of a white lion supported by the poor and disenfranchised. This kicks off the titular conflict wherein you play as idealist knight-in-training Ramza as he and his associates are swept up in these events.

Buyer’s Guide:
Available on PSP, Playstation Network and iOS. The iOS version omits the multiplayer. The original PS1 version can be found used as well.

4 entitled assholes out of 5