Final Fantasy VIII (1999)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Squaresoft

VIII went out of its way to create a very unique and strange system, but it ironically ended up producing a very one-dimensional experience, even compared to bog-standard RPG systems. Basically, you equip stocks of spells as armor and stat-boosts. Of course, this drops your inclination to use magic to absolute 0. Well, close enough. You’ll usually end up collecting two full batches of the various Cure spells, so you can actually use them, as intended, but that’s it. Outside of that, when you cast magic, you’re decreasing your stats! Why would you ever want to do that?

There are two ways to get magic, but all that changes between those methods is HOW you’re going to be significantly waylaid. You can ‘Draw’ magic from enemies, resulting in a duplication of leveling. You’ll be leveling yourself and grinding for spells whenever you come across an enemy with something new. Ideally, you don’t want to level, because enemies’ levels increase right alongside yours. But, you need AP to teach your summons new abilities, especially if you’re using the second method. Ergo, you ARE going to level to a normal degree, unless you specifically modify EVERY non-boss enemy into its playing card, from the game’s preeminent mini-game, Triple Triad. That only increases the time necessary to complete the game a MILLION fold. You ARE going to level. It is…inevitable...

The second method involves modifying Triple Triad cards and item drops into collections of spells. Again, that only means that you’re going to spend aeons playing cards, or getting drops, instead of Drawing spells. There is no escaping the eternity of VIII, unless you’re a speedrunner, but their fate is still mostly the same.

VIII commits a fundamental sin. I consider a fundamental sin to be an act that goes against something so BASIC to the structure or purpose of something, that it should have never had to be spoken of, in the first place. The joy of grinding in jrpgs is based on the very simple concept of reinforcement. The more you level, the stronger you become, and USUALLY the more money you acquire. The stronger you are, the faster battles end. This creates a very nice curve, and cycle, of reinforcement.

VIII says, ‘NO.’ An early boss battle sums the problem up, perfectly:

'Oh, no! HELP ME!'

'Yo, I got you, girl...just wait for about 30 minutes while I Draw these 3 new spells from this thing and its minions. Don’t worry, I’ll get around to defeating them, eventually.'

You get stuck in singular battles for extended periods of time, Drawing spells. The joy of getting into and ending battles swiftly is largely denied. It doesn’t help that the battle animations feel like they’re in slow-motion, and there’s a healthy delay to getting into battles AND starting card games. Again, there is no escape.

What inevitably happens (if you don’t quit immediately) is that you put up with this and equip the spells and summons as best you can, in three sets, that you can switch between characters. This is largely a farce, though, since you’re just going to attack Squall until he’s in critical HP, and then have him spam his Renzokuken Limit Break endlessly, since it hits a large amount of times.

If only there was a game that allowed you to hit multiple times, without having to be on the verge of death. Oh yeah, Final Fantasy I… It’s utterly incomprehensible that VIII chose to make class-specific skills into Limits. Why isn’t the Blue Mage casting Blue Magic? Why isn’t the Monk doing his special attacks, at will? Why isn’t the gunman using special ammo? Why is the Beastmaster not using her beast? The ways to prevent players from spamming these skills are MP pools, fighting game inputs, and ammo supplies. They had all of this down pat two games prior! But, here, they all have to be nearly dead to use their special skills. What? Why?!?!

I’ll address Triple Triad, here, because I want to end with some discourse on the story and characters. When I think of VIII, I'm always struck by how I remember the events of it, but virtually nothing of the characters. They are character sketches, at best. Ideas jotted on a napkin, by a writer, that were never brought to life, never developed. It's exactly the same in Uchu Sentai Kyuranger. At the end of the series, because there have been no personal interactions between them, no bonding, no hanging out, the Senshi are STILL just character sketches. 50 hours, or 50 episodes, and there's nothing to show for any of these characters beyond: "This is the brooding lead." "This is the sickeningly cute girl." "This is the chef.” Many members of the party in Xenogears only have their introductory story event to their names. This is honestly much more than most of the party in VIII can claim. They’re almost like Transformers: they’re definitely personalities, but not really characters.

Part of the issue is that Squall is given carte blanche to turn them off like light-switches. Quistis TRIES to be a character, but Squall flatly says, ‘NO. Not on my watch.’ No one should ever be given this manner of power.

When it comes to the story…I still don’t entirely understand it. I’ve definitely heard some theories about it, but none of them have helped me. The resolution to this amorphous issue is honestly awe-inspiring, in the worst possible way. You are going to be presented with the most bald reasoning I have ever witnessed. It’s like an animatronic that has been stripped of not only its skin, but also all of the plastic shielding holding its wire guts to shape.

You can’t do that. You have to come up with some explanation, guys. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it has to EXIST. I’m talking Care Bears, here, guys. Care Bears. Oh, and technically the game's biggest surprises are spoiled by the computer you can access at the very beginning of the game. But, who reads things? Oh wait, people who play RPGs... 😡

There was a time when I actually strolled into a forum and claimed that this was my favorite game. Do you know why? Because it helped me waste time. It gave me something to do, while I was coming to grips with something I had lost. First came VIII, then came XII. I needed time and distractions. If that’s all you need, have at it. It’s great for wasting your time, but little else.

A dumpster fire, from stem to stern. I don’t understand how things like this and Kyuranger make it out of development, in such a state.

 

I'll stick with Dirge, tyvm~

Buying Guide: Originally a PSX release. Also, PC. It's been remastered, so it's on PS4, Switch, and Xbox One. I've seen some screenshots. They definitely half-assed it. I'm honestly not surprised. Wait, didn't they lose the source code, or something? Some things are lost for a reason, mir?

0 Dreamy Cowboys For Selphie To Bang, Even If She Wrote This Fanfiction out of 5

Mega Man 4 (1992)

Yes, Pharaoh Man, purge those demonic faces with flame.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Let’s wrap this endeavor up. I briefly discussed 4 in my review of 5, but I want to tackle the Anniversary Collection in a Mega Man Collection post. The main reason I’ve forwent this for so long, besides wanting to talk about 5 quite a bit more, is because 4 is very much the workhorse entry. It’s not the greatest; it’s FAR from the worst. I’ve never complained about doing a run, outside of having to deal with the newly borked Rush Jet, of course.

As I’ve said elsewhere, it’s a deathtrap, now. I cannot fathom why they would ever go from the perfect execution of it (in Rush’s first appearance, no less!) to this pile of horseshit. If a sub-pixel of your toe touches him, he’s off, WITHOUT YOU. Progress. We’re supposed to progress, people. Move forward, not back. This is a regression.

I’ll be honest, I take Toad Man out first, which immediately nets me Rush Marine. And yet, I have NEVER thought to use it in Dive Man’s stage. Not once. I only now saw it mentioned as a possibility on the wiki. Ergo, for me, there is only one tiny section where it’s ever been able to be used. That has never bothered me. It made it feel special. It made me feel glad that they decided to keep it, in spite of its VERY VERY limited time to shine. I’m a 3 fanboy, through and through. It can’t jump out of the water and be used for platforming, anymore, but that was quirky icing, not functionality I ever expected.

Beyond Rush, there are two new, hidden movement tools to find. Balloon is basically Item 1 from MM2. Wire is a grappling claw that allows you to travel vertically and jump slightly sideways on the dismount. Its usefulness is somewhat constrained, unless you’re like me and want to grind for E-Tanks in Drill Man’s stage.

I mean the following in a literal sense, not a tonal sense: The visuals are a bit darker than elsewhere in the series. Everything’s a bit drab. It doesn’t take too much away from the experience, but it is worth noting. I suppose the beginning of Ring Man’s stage is an outlier, but the majority of it falls very much in line with this assessment. That said, it is a serious boon for Pharaoh Man and Dust Man. The former is top-tier, from his design, to his theme, to the night-time tomb raiding expedition that is his stage. I respect him way too damn much to use his weakness against him. The first time, anyway. The rematches are immediately followed by the initial battle with Wily. I have to be pragmatic about it. Dust Man…the unspoken story of his stage is magnificent and haunting.

Ultimately a damn fine game, across the board.

Buyer’s Guide: Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

3 Fat Guys Hula-Hooping In the Rain out of 5

Mega Man 6 (1994)

It took them until their last NES at-bat, but they finally hit a grand slam. I fucking love this boxart.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

When I first started replaying this entry as an adult, I found it kind of soulless. That’s a bit crazy to me, at this point. The more I played it, the more I enjoyed it. It’s really fun! It isn’t as easy as 5, but it’s the closest game in the franchise to it, in that regard.

It’s cool to know that some of the Masters were designed by people other than Capcom’s usual creative staff. Contest winners from Canada (Daniel Vallée) and…North America (Michael Leader; thanks Mega Man Wiki, for that wonderfully detailed bit of information…) were responsible for Knight Man and Wind Man. I rather like the former, but not for reasons one might expect. You see, he doesn’t care about always giving you easy chances to cross the room, like most Masters. No, he’s perfectly fine with occasionally jumping you straight into a corner. I rather like assholes like him and Charge Man (who’ll change directions on a whim and pimp walk all over your corpse with no fucks given). Wind Man…is one of the easiest Masters ever. Oh well~

If nothing else, those two are the ones that appear on the NA cover. That's top-shelf, Nintendo. Class. Yes, Nintendo, because they were the ones that published it, here, not Capcom.

In spite of the split theming of the overall crew, there is a bit of a generic feel to everything on display, but it’s far from my original assessment of the game’s merit. All of the Masters are taking part in a tournament run by Wily (SPOILERS, OH NO!!!), but four of them are much more warrior-like than the others. Those being Knight Man, Centaur Man, Tomahawk Man, and Yamato Man. It’s best that they didn’t call the last one Spear or Yari Man, because you would have ended up wielding the Spear Spear~

These four Masters can all be reached via two different paths. The fights with them are the same, but traversing the less accessible ones will cause them to give you the Beat parts. Yeah, Beat returns, but isn’t nearly as useful, as far as I can tell. In 5, he was fairly indispensable. Here…is anything weak to him? I always just use Tomahawks whenever it seems as if he would be worth calling.

I absolutely cannot complain about that, however, given how well the Rush Adaptors are utilized. You have to use Power and Jet Mega Man CONSTANTLY, especially in the Dr. X and Wily Castles. Yeah, the same animations of Rush transforming play every time you select them, but you can skip ‘em by mashing buttons. The only real drawback to using them is that you cannot slide. Power Mega Man still has a basic projectile in spite of him mainly relying on regular and charged punches. Not being able to charge your Buster isn’t really something you need to do while flying as Jet Mega Man. No, it flat out isn’t necessary, at all, to my knowledge. I’ve never felt that need. These two went on to be combined into the Super Adapter in 7.

The other four Masters are mostly elemental in nature. Flame Man stands out, as you may personally find him culturally insensitive. I’m honestly much more upset that the power he grants you is a re-colored flame effect from Gemini Man’s stage. Seriously? Plant Man is the oddball, but I rather like him. I even like his somewhat irritating backyard. The latter half of his stage is a pit-filled obstacle course predicated on springs that respond to the strength with which you press the jump button. This can be trouble if your controller of choice is as knackered as my current PS2 one is. It’s a little maddening, but it’s an appropriate challenge to overcome in order to earn the Jet Adaptor.

In short, 6 is a bit of a mixed bag, but even what’s not top-tier is still comfortably enjoyable.

I dig it, man.

Buyer’s Guide: Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

3 Easily Missable Proto Man Appearances out of 5

Mega Man 2 (1989)

Better art than 1, but still shit.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Though hailed as a classic by many, I'm just not much of a fan of it. I still play it, though. That having been fearlessly stated, I will concede that there are a number of positives!

I really do love the Masters. I’m sincerely glad that they all came back in Mega Man 3. That wasn’t padding. It was honoring, dammit. Because I load this up rather infrequently compared to the rest, I usually have to do the rematches many multiple times. I blame Wily. Though, blame is a poor choice of word. I’m rather glad of it. I love having to do it! It demonstrates to me that the fluidity in the controls did come into being a bit sooner than the third entry. Something about being removed from the stages themselves puts that into perspective. I’ll never ever be able to Buster Shadow Man, but I have a decent grasp on Quick Man and his fleet-footed shenanigans. There’s a wholesome joy to blasting through all of them again and again, until I remember that the hit-box on Wily Machine 2 seems to extend beyond its nose…

Some of the stages are exquisite. I have no qualms whatsoever with doing Quick Man’s as many times as necessary. The disappearing blocks in Heat Man’s are the most notorious in my personal span of the series. There might be more insidious ones out there, but I absolutely respect this set. I enjoy those precarious bastards. On the other end of the spectrum, Crash Man’s is pure monotony and Metal Man’s makes my eyes bleed. While we’re here, one could complain about so many Masters and other bosses being weak to the Metal Blades, but frankly I’m surprised that more aren’t. You’re literally chucking sawblades around, of course destruction is inevitable! The rate at which your supply depletes is broken, as well. Feel free to cheese the game to your heart’s content. Even someone who Busters as much as they feasibly can, like me, ends up using them a decent amount.

The elephant in the room is the Boobeam Trap. It’s pretty bad. I’ll explain why I feel this way: until you know exactly how to do it, it will waylay your first run. If you play as sporadically as me, it’ll stop even subsequent runs dead in their tracks. The stage itself feels overly long with the moving platform sections, and overly cruel with the final gauntlet of Sniper Joes and their mecha walker things. Technical terms, yo. Dying to the trap makes you repeat all of the sections I just detailed. There is no boss hallway checkpoint! The thing that makes it the worst is that the turrets can only be damaged with Crash Bombs. You simply don’t have enough to take out all of the barriers and the turrets. Now, a bit of mercy is shown in that if you make it there again, without getting a game over, the barriers you destroyed will not reappear. Of course, you’ll have to hope you didn’t take the weapon refill capsules at the start (and go back there to get them, if you didn’t) because otherwise you will be FARMING. Oh JOY~

Now, I’m going to draw a direct comparison to explain my thinking. The first Wily stage in the first game also forces me to play it over and over. However, unlike the Boobeam Trap, I rather enjoy the process. Mainly it’s because that stage is not an exercise in exact resource management. You have more than enough Ice Slasher to freeze the Big Eyes and the flame pillars. You have enough Super Arm for all three lives in a round. You are given energy for the Magnet Beam after traversing the pit, immediately before the section it is mandatory for. You restart right before the Yellow Devil. The Thunder Beam is very energy efficient. AND, even if you somehow manage to run out (you won’t, you’ll die first) you can damage it with more than just its weakness!!!

The Boobeam Trap doesn’t break the game, but it exists squarely in the realm of INCREDIBLY IRKSOME, until you know (or remember) what has to happen. I avoid 2 as much as I do, because of it.

“Get Good!”

That requires motivation, son, and this game tends to sap it out of me.

Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). NES Mini. Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

1½ Overrated Tracks out of 5

Mega Man X (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Though they are related, the classic and X series are relatively distinct entities. X did not take up the torch, wholesale. Mega Man 7 saw release after this game, and eventually there was an 8, 9, 10, and 11. The defining differences are as follows:

Pros:

• The Mavericks, while still essentially Robot Masters, are animal-themed.
• X can wall-jump straight up singular walls.
• X can find Dr. Light capsules to power-up his legs, armor, helmet, and X-Buster.

Cons:

• X’s soundtrack is all screechy guitars and synths.
• Each entry attempts to shoe-horn in more and more story.
• Heavy emphasis on a new character, as the series progresses.

There’s an (ego-driven) reason that Zero is doted on, but that doesn’t mean it was done well, or was justified. It wasn’t. In fact, in a later entry, there exists a situation that clearly demonstrates that they were no longer bothering to play-test the games fully, FOR THE TITULAR CHARACTER. Zero is over-powered and there’s no weakness present in him to balance it out, as with Proto Man. How I love thee, my dear, sweet Proto Man 😍

If you’ve read almost any of my reviews here, or on the other Nut Blogs, you know that, in general, I play games for story. I play them for characters. There are times where skill is the primary focus, however, and the classic and Mega Man X series are two of those times, for me. If I found the story of the X series to be compelling—or logical—I would have been ecstatic. However, it’s not, and I find it completely and utterly obtrusive. The text gets longer and longer in each entry and quickly becomes unbearable. As I noted in my X3 review, the power-ups come to be detrimental, as well. It pains me, because this game is fantastic. X2 is acceptably worse, and I honestly kind of like X3, in spite of itself. That’s where the series ends for me. I tried my hand at X4, X5, and X6 and they are not pleasant. In my opinion, both series lost themselves when they jumped to the Playstation.

This game, though, this one has always been near-perfection. Zero’s role is minimal, the story is basic, and it controls like a dream. There are changes in the levels that occur depending on the order in which you take out the Mavericks. You’ll have to revisit some of them to collect the heart container in each (and the game's four sub-tanks), because of these ultimately beneficial changes. Those sub-tanks are innovation of the best kind, because you permanently possess them and you can fill them by collecting energy when you’re at full health. There’s even a level that starts with the perfect grinding spot. It’s not the kind of secret that you can intuit, but Ryu’s Hadouken can be learned and performed when at full health. It instantly KOs everything and I highly recommend using it to painlessly clear the first part of the Sigma fight. I really wish he had settled for simply being a serial villain like Wily. There was no reason he couldn’t have been all, “I got put back together and I’ve got another set of Mavericks, X!”

The elephant in the room is, fittingly, Maverick Hunter X, which I said did the near-impossible and improved this. It did. I stand by that. Numerical scores are a tricky thing and they can paint you into corners. Well, when writing reviews, YOU can paint yourself into a corner. While Maverick Hunter X improves quite a bit, it is a case of ICING. In terms of the original LACKING, I can only bring to mind the second Sigma level, which starts in a very ho-hum way as compared to the remake.

I can’t give this less than what I gave Maverick Hunter X, and I won’t. This is simply a consequence of the nature of the act of writing reviews. And, when you feel inspired to write them. Also, being human. If nothing else, it helps me call attention to a collection post wherein my fellow Nut Blog authors and I detail the pieces of media that we feel are equally worthwhile in multiple incarnations.

Buyer's Guide: Originally an SNES game. It's on the Wii and Wii U Virtual Consoles, and the eShop (but, only if you're using a New 3DS, apparently). Damn your idiotic nomenclature, Nintendo. Your quarter-assed console iterations, too. It's on the SNES Mini, mobile phones, and oddly enough MS-DOS, as well. It's obviously in the Mega Man X Collection, which was on PS2 and GameCube, but is now coming to PS4, Xbox One (Did Nintendo name that one, too?), and the Switch.

4 Bosses Philip Finds Fascinating out of 5

Mega Man (1987)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

What are we looking at up there? Bloody hell. Look to the Japanese box art if you want something accurate. Look somewhere else entirely if you want a cushy, enjoyable time with this series. That’s harsh, but it’s true. That isn’t to say that this isn’t worth playing. For a sense of history and perspective, I think anyone who has enjoyed a classic Mega Man game should give this a shot. It’s weird saying this seven nuts in, but this is a platforming series with a heavy emphasis on ranged combat, characterized by a multitude of projectile types derived from the powers of a set of enemy bosses. You can tackle their stages and steal these rock/paper/scissors-esque powers in any order you choose before heading to the final levels comprising Dr. Wily’s fortress.

Dr. Wily is a serial villain with a fetish for Guts Man (one of the bosses debuting here) and eyebrow wiggling. There’s no story beyond a modicum of rudimentary exposition, in the manual. Good. Mega Man isn’t War and Peace.

Why is this so ball-bustingly difficult? Well, movement is stiff and it randomly seems like there’s ice physics in play EVERYWHERE, not just Ice Man’s stage. There are no E-tanks. When you fight a boss, you’ve got one life bar and that’s assuming you show up with full health to begin with. There’s a swift, movement puzzle of a beast that most people can only take down using a glitch. Oh, and you have to re-fight the bosses. That’s not strange, though. That’s both a general Capcom and a Mega Man specific tradition. No, the rub is you have to fight four of them in a row with no health items immediately before the two-part battle with Wily.

Hey, guess what? Their projectiles don’t disappear and you can die because of this AFTER THEY’RE DEAD.

You can’t fudge this game with E-tanks and be awarded a victory and gooey feelings that’ll encourage you to get better, more elegant, over time. In this game, and the first sequel, you have to get better NOW. You stay in the trenches and do it OVER and OVER and OVER until you throw your controller just to pick it back up again, like a machine.

Play it. You don’t need to beat it, you don’t even have to enjoy it. Knowing the pain is something I think is beneficial, though. History and perspective.

Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

2 Victories of My Own Choosing out of 5

Mega Man 5 (1992)

Gravity Man, you must succeed where Pharaoh Man failed...with lightning, apparently...

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Since I haven’t covered the fourth entry in the classic series*, I’ll briefly list the things introduced there that carry over to this game:

***You can charge your regular shots for larger and more powerful blasts.

***Eddie, a small flip-top robot will show up in certain places to give you a random item.

***Rush Jet now starts moving forward uncontrollably the moment even a sub-pixel of your foot hits it and will get you killed most of the time because of it.

I’ll also list the “features” that are new to it:

***You’ll be collecting letters (and a number) in each level to spell ‘Mega Man 5,’ which will unlock your new bird companion, Beat. He relentlessly circles enemies and WRECKS most of the bosses in Proto Man’s castle.

***Yes, Proto Man is the fake villain this time. Ooooooh SPOILER -_-

***You must now allow the Rush Coil to jump off the ground with you before jumping off it at its apex. It’s really weird, yes, but once you know how it works it’s worlds less dangerous than Rush Jet.

Outside of some kick-ass music (Wave Man’s theme is one of the best pieces on the NES), that’s most of what’s worth noting. Why bother writing this, then? Simple, I want to convey that to me Mega Man 5 is a rare kind of nostalgic that teleports me back to my days in front of the NES, on the floor, after school. This is even more astounding considering I maybe rented it once, ever, if at all.

Other than Rush’s tragic downfall, it’s sublimely playable and if critics want to say that’s because it’s overly easy (extra men DO drop like flies), they aren’t going to offend me. But, they also aren’t going to change my mind, either. I’ll likely be too busy completely unplugging to care.

*I have, now. Check it out, here.

Buyer’s Guide: It’s an NES game, but get the Mega Man Anniversary Collection (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, Game Cube, Switch). If you’re feeling contrarian or want it on the go you can find it on mobile phones, the Wii VC, and PSN.

3½ Train Men Cometh out of 5

Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright (2005)

Genre: Adventure, Visual Novel | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

If stepping into the shoes of a defense attorney doesn’t sound entirely appealing to you, you aren’t alone. I wasn’t enamored with the idea at first, either. The large cast of quirky, slightly over-the-top, but infinitely endearing characters will see you through this trepidation, but they will not make you enjoy wading through seas of text any more than you already do. An appreciation of old-school point-and-click adventures and visual novels is indeed the most important prerequisite to enjoying this series.

To that end, and this game’s credit, a number of improvements have been implemented that greatly decrease the probability of experiencing DEAD STOPs. Gameplay is divided into two discrete modes: investigation and trial proceedings. On trial days, you will cross-examine witnesses and attempt to expose the real criminals (usually murderers) by pointing out contradictions using evidence you gather while investigating. To relieve the strain on the legal system, trials in this world have been capped at three days. To relieve the strain on your sanity, investigation segments will not end until you’ve found everything the script deems necessary. If you present incorrect evidence, or choose a wrong dialogue option, you are given a strike. Five strikes and you’re out. However, you can save at any time and scum like a boss.

This is not a particularly damning game.

As mentioned, while the characters can be cartoony at times, they are obscenely memorable and painfully relatable. Few things in this world (not just games) have as much heart as the Ace Attorney series. This derives significantly from the cast, which tent-poles a plot that ultimately and masterfully pulls the strings tight on what can initially seem like unconnected trials and events. Don’t get me wrong, the sleuthing and intuiting gameplay is well-executed and leads to some jaw-dropping moments, but it is not the keystone of the series. This is why adventure game fans should give it a shot, even if they don’t have any great interest in the legal system.

This was originally on the GBA in Japan, if you’re so inclined and linguistically equipped. The DS version contains an extra trial that utilizes the system's touch-screen functionality for forensic investigation activities. These are associated with the alternate companion character, Ema Skye. She is awesome. In case 1-5, as that trial is referred to, that is. She also appears in Apollo Justice's game, but her attitude is quite different, and she is no longer the heart of the story, as she is, here—the same as Maya is for the trilogy, as a whole.

This first game has also appeared on PC, Wii (as WiiWare), iOS, and mobile phones (partially). There is a trilogy version available in the West, as a download in the 3DS eShop. According to the AA wiki, there are some changes to the text, in addition to the fixes for the incredibly small number of typos that the series contains. Recently, it was ported to the Switch, PS4, and Xbox One.

Case 1-5 can peculiarly be purchased individually as WiiWare. Perhaps because it was not originally part of the game, and its canon-icity was debatable until it was decided that Ema would be part of Apollo's outing. Personally, I've come down on the opposite side of that debate. Like Reika, in Go-Busters, Ema is a briefly tenured wonder who literally steals the show, the one time that she wrests command of the ship.

 

2023 Update: Given that this franchise, or at least Phoenix's arc, exists to exalt tokusatsu, I can no longer recommend this game, or series.

4½ Well-Deserved Burgers out of 5

Mega Man 7 (1995)

Treble instead of Ru...who the hell is that on the bottom left?!?!?

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

This is pretty much going to cement that I have a hard-on for SNES-era Mega Man. No, I’m not counting Soccer -_-  When the classic series FINALLY debuted in the 16-bit arena, the Blue Bomber hit it out of the park with his first and (sadly) last at bat (in the NA region).

The sprites grew to monstrous sizes, the backgrounds vividly brought each level to life, and a greater emphasis was placed on searching for upgrades and secrets. Sure, you could buy all of them in the shop, but why spend bolts on things you can get for free if you’re a thorough enough player? You can save your money for the extra lives needed to tackle Wily IMMEDIATELY after the boss rush. I don’t much appreciate marathon battles (I’m looking at you 1) but I persevered here because I just like this entry THAT much.

There are a few elemental bosses, but one has a neat design, one’s a transformer, and one is an incredibly cool customer with an involved pattern you will love to chase him through once you’ve figured it out. Beyond that we’ve got a vampire, an improvised munitions specialist, Wolverine and.....a pile of junk and a walking spring.....

Shut up, they’re cool.

A new antagonist and his dog debut here and are able to combine just as you were in 6. To counter this, you again don Rush as armor allowing flight and rocket punching action. Honestly, ancillary Mega Man characters outside of Proto Man don’t do much for me, but he’s here too so who am I to complain? He’s even got a special upgrade for you.

It sucks pretty hard that this was the only classic game on the SNES (in NA) and even more that both series lost a lot aesthetically and gameplay-wise for me when they jumped into the Playstation era. As such, for me, this stands alone as a special entry that feels packed to the brim with great ideas and a satisfying sense of completeness.

Buyer's Guide: Originally on the SNES, but don't you dare spend over $100 to get the cart. Mega Man Anniversary Collection: PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GameCube, Switch. You know the drill, by now~

4 Energy Tanks are Barely Enough out of 5

Mega Man X3 (1996)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom/ Minakuchi Engineering

We’re going to springboard from the few pros to the associated cons. Ikuze.

Some of the Maverick choices are clever (specifically crawfish and seahorse), but we all knew a rhinoceros beetle was inevitable after Kuwanger. Their arsenal isn’t overly inspired or effectively utilized in the requisite collect-a-thon, though. There’s much more to discover than in the first two games, but accessing most of it isn’t very satisfying. The one fully useful upgrade shows where everything is located and this would be great if you were challenged once you found the right areas. Instead, you’re often left drilling walls or busting them open with the new, summonable ride armors. Worst, too many of the items are just sitting in the open  -_-

There are three extra Mavericks that can be run off or completely destroyed for different outcomes, and while the challenge rooms for two of them are directly in the main path of each level this isn’t as inconvenient as it could be. If you fail enough, they’ll sometimes not show up, out of mercy. While that dick move was side-stepped, there are about 3 blind jumps into spikes. Thanks guys. 

The game’s ultimate weapon hinges on how you handle that third maverick. Sadly, this weapon is almost mandatory given the hitbox of the final boss. This brings up a large contention with this series moving forward: upgrades can now actively hinder you. With the buster upgrade, you fire two charged shots and they can combine. However, 99% of the time you want to fire normal, fully charged shots, on the fly. This upgrade makes it so your first shot is smaller and slower. Further, the upward dash is a great idea, but is often picky on which input it wants to follow in the heat of the moment. You want to go horizontal? You might go up, and vice versa.

As a final quibble, the music has discrete looping points where it actually stops momentarily. This has gotten me hurt because I associate the ceasing of the music with the defeat of an enemy. Think the mini-boss is dead? Nope, someone just utterly failed at Looping 101. 2023 Update: This is a problem with the PS1 port. The SNES original's music is perfectly fine. Gee, I wonder how I was able to find this out~

This game still has the trappings of the first game (it even has stage changes based on the order you defeat Mavericks!) and is playable, but it's ultimately dominated by problems that would only grow worse as the series went on.

Buyer's Guide: Originally available on SNES and later the PS1, Saturn, and PC. The 32-bit iterations have additional animated cutscenes and it is this version that was ported to the PC and included in the Mega Man X Collection on PS2, PS4, Game Cube, and Switch. Don't go looking for the original cart. It's obscenely expensive.

2 Cheese Pizzas Hidden by Assholes out of 5

Mega Man 3 (1990)

Why is Top Man green? Why is Alfred E. Neuman shooting Michael Bay's Spark Man in the crotch? 😖

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

As much as everyone seems to love Mega Man 2, I find it still somewhat hampered by the stiffness of the first game. With the third entry in the storied series, I finally began to feel at home in the improved controls and competent enough to see the task through to completion. While standing as a pseudo-prototype for the immediately successive games, there are in fact several key things 3 accomplished that those almost immediately forewent:

***Virtually no stereotypical, elemental Robot Masters — There's an electric boss, but the water stage doesn’t even belong to a water master. We’ve got magnets, tops, needles, snakes, sexual innuendos and fuggen ninjas. Ice and fire need not apply.

***No shield weapon — Does ANYONE actually enjoy shield weapons? Yet, they’ve been in almost every game since.

***Rush Jet — Not only was this the debut of Rush, period, it was the only time that Rush Jet has ever been fully functional. You can move backwards, forwards, up, down—all a-fucking-round. Ever since, it has been some form of auto-piloting death trap, ready to drop you to your doom at a moment’s notice. Fix ur shit, Capcom. If you haven’t already in 9 or 10.....

***Doc Robot stages — They saw fit to bring back the masters of 2 for rematches in remixed versions of half of the stages. This was a legitimate way to lengthen the game and pay homage to those then already iconic masters.

Some have argued that the Wily stages are overly simple. Mayhaps, but to me they don’t feel insanely short or half-assed in the way others have *cough*X2*cough.* Sure, one is a brief romp to the new Yellow Devil fight, but the fight itself is satisfying and far more managable (w/o glitches) than the original, to compensate.

Others have complained that there is no story set up at the beginning of the game itself, with slight plot details suddenly being dropped out-of-the-blue after clearing all the masters. I do usually play games for story, but I don’t with Mega Man. This is a critical failing of the X series and I couldn’t care less, here. I have a set of masters unique in the scope of the series in front of me waiting to be massacred, and that’s more than enough.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally on the NES. Available most easily on the Virtual Console, PSN, and in the Mega Man Anniversary Collection on PS2, GameCube, and Xbox. It’s also on mobile devices, several Japanese compilations, and the 3DS VC in Japan.

4½ Motherfucking Snakes (Impaled) On Motherfucking Pins out of 5

Mega Man X2 (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

While innovation is the keystone of almost all successful franchises, there are times when such evolution sends one completely off the rails. It’s just my opinion, but this is what I believe to be the case with the Mega Man X series. Each successive entry added more insipid story elements (eventually with horrendous voice acting), more complex requirements for hidden extras, and eventually a frustrating collection system masquerading as equippable perks. There are reasons for this, but it doesn’t change how I feel: Aside from X4, this complexity is inversely related to the quality of the games. Each is worse than the last.

That said, let’s focus on X2. As the first step away from the stellar original game, it stands as ‘acceptably worse.’ The bosses have decent enough patterns that are fun to learn to buster-only. The stages are a slight bit more lackluster but passable enough, even if there aren’t any cross-stage changes, as there were in the first game. The extras only require you to quickly take out three additional Mavericks, which can appear in any of the stages. The armor upgrades make sense and two are exquisite. The air-dash is indispensable and when combined with a charged-up boss weapon can be extended greatly. This mechanic is utilized often and even very cleverly in one spot, which appropriately leads to the greatest reward in the game.

The music didn’t stand out to me, to be honest. However, this is also true of X1, so I can hardly hold it against this particular sequel. The X series' music just pales in comparison to the classic series’ giant collection of unique and identifiable stage themes. In the end, literally, the Sigma stages are short and overly easy once you’ve been through them fully. The final area is even a direct copy/paste of a Maverick stage. Seriously? At least Mega Man 3 remixed the four stages used for Doc Robot battles. Ultimately, the Sigma fights are far less memorable this time around, but the duel with an old friend that proceeds them is genuinely a blast to buster.

I have a very love/hate relationship with the X series, but if you like the original, and find X2 (or the X collection) at a flea market, you might as well. There are far worse games you can play. Some are just much closer at hand to it than others.

Buyer's Guide: Originally available on the SNES. Your """best""" bets are the Mega Man X collection on PS2, PS4, Xbox One, GameCube, and Switch, or the Virtual Console, however. If for some reason you have an "i-mode" or "EZweb" compatible phone, and live in Japan, you can get it that way, as well.

2½ Unaccounted Zero Parts out of 5