Bully / Canis Canem Edit (2006)

Genre: Sandbox | Players: 1 | Developer: Rockstar Vancouver (PS2) / Rockstar Toronto (Wii) / Rockstar New England (Xbox 360, PC)

Authority figures: pricks. We all know one. Some of you may even want to be one. For those of us that don’t, Rockstar provides.

The game takes place at Bullworth Academy, a fictional boarding school in New England. It’s similar to the Grand Theft Auto games in that you play a role and have a sandbox environment to kick around in, but it’s not just GTA: School. The scholastic setting is more than just a cosmetic change, and the satire reflects that.

You play as fifteen-year-old Jimmy Hopkins, a troubled youth from an equally troubled home environment. From the beginning it’s clear that Bullworth is as fucked-up as all the other schools that Jimmy has been expelled from, which leaves him with two options: keep his head down and hope the bullies leave him alone, or stand up to them using the kind of methods they understand.

The world may seem small to begin with because you’re confined to school grounds, but progression through the story opens up additional areas to explore and new tasks to undertake.

Between missions you’ll have the opportunity to attend classes that take the form of mini-games. They’re all very simple except for Shop, which is infuriating. It’s not essential to complete all classes, but the rewards for doing so tend to help make progress easier in the missions, so they’re definitely worthwhile.*

Weapons become available (*see above) and fit with the school aesthetic (slingshot, fire crackers, stink bombs, etc), but their use will have consequences.

There’s a lot of stuff to do outside of missions and classes, such as races, shopping and gathering collectibles. They’re not all signposted, so often the onus is on you to explore and find them for yourself. If you've played a Rockstar game before, you'll know how much fun that can be and how much time it can take.

Originally only on PS2, it was later ported to Wii, Xbox 360 and PC as Bully: Scholarship Edition (2008) with additional content. The PS2 version was renamed 'Canis Canem Edit' in PAL territories, a title that more accurately describes the nature of the game world into which Jimmy is unceremoniously thrust.

5 detentions out of 5

Max Payne 3 (2012)

Genre: Action / 3rd Person shooter | Players: 1 - 16 (Online)
Developer: Rockstar Vancouver

MP3 is ugly. Really fuckin' ugly. It’s as it was designed by a student of Filmmaking 101 who was eager to use in a game all the filters his DV camera had to offer; all the filters his tutor told him not to use (unless the tutor was JJ Abrams). It’s a neon hell saturated in crap like TV scan lines, colour channels split and offset over the image, distortion, noise, strobes and lens flare. Why? None of it makes any sense aesthetically. I'm not lying when I say there was some FMV I couldn't even bear to watch. I had to close my eyes and just listen.

It’s a good thing it has a story, right? The 'story' (for lack of a better word) is just as bad. Max has grown up, but the writing hasn't. The dialogue is unrealistic, but realism doesn't seem to have been its primary goal, so I guess that’s okay. It seems to have been aiming for something akin to hardboiled noir. Noir is a tough thing to achieve, it requires the proper intonations and a voice that has the correct amount of gravitas. Max doesn't have that. What he does have is a personality that’s pulled out of the Big Book of Clichéd Personalities for the First Time Writer: Chapter One: The Washed-up Cop with a Drinking Problem.

Missions involve killing people on rooftops, killing people in nightclubs, killing people in corridors and, just to shake it up a little, killing people during on-rails action scenes; all of which can be done in slow motion.

During missions you have the option to look for clues that make no difference to the outcome whatsoever. All they do is initiate a short V/O from Max about what he thinks is happening or a recollection from his past. It helps give an insight into his tortured mind, but in truth he’s not a character that I wanted to know better.

There are some positives. Max will snap to cover behind a convenient barrier or pillar easily, from which he’s able to shoot bad guys as they run towards him like kamikaze dolls. And the targeting is reasonably accurate.

In short, MP3 is an ugly game that's perfect for people obsessed with guns and killing, but will leave those wanting a more engaging experience unfulfilled.

1½ shit sandwiches out of 5

Grand Theft Auto Online (2013)

Genre: Sandbox  |  Players: 1 - 16  |  Developer: Rockstar North

I’ll begin with a confession: I'm not a fan of online gaming. There are some exceptions, but primarily I play a game to be immersed in story, not for social interaction. I’d much rather someone who cares about online gaming review this, but unfortunately you’re stuck with me.

I'm not being puerile when I say I agree with RS that GTA Online is a separate game; albeit one that uses the same resources and game mechanics as the one player aspect. It has its own levelling-up system, its own monetary system, its own property market and, most importantly, its own unique missions.

It’s set two months before GTA V, so people you may have assassinated there are still available here to offer you jobs. Complete jobs or activities and you’ll earn Reputation Points (RP). Get enough RP and you’ll level-up.

Working your way up the ranks unlocks new items that you can purchase from the in-game stores; things like silencers for guns, engine and transmission upgrades for your personal vehicle, or new clothes.

Jobs also earn you money. Everything revolves around money and not having enough of it. You’ll work your ass off just to afford a new engine. Acquiring enough for an entire car will take a long time.

You could steal a flash car but the mod-shops will refuse to respray it and the cops will have such a hard-on for you that it’s not worth the hassle. Losing your wanted level only stops them for a short time. That means you’re either stuck with a shitbox or you buy your own and upgrade it; and don’t forget to insure it or you’ll have wasted your cash when it eventually gets blown to pieces.

At time of writing, the Heists aren't yet playable, but are promised as FREE DLC in the not-too-distant future. It’s a shame, becuase they're the only part of the online experience that I was genuinely interested in.

Similarly, the Content Creator is still forthcoming.  he official word from RS is that it'll be initially limited to Death Matches and Races (yawn). Perhaps in the future there'll be an option to create custom jobs and rewards.

The potential to add to the game-world over time is reportedly “endless”, which is overly optimistic in my opinion, but admittedly there's scope for a large number of variations on a theme. If they can keep those variations fresh and interesting it'll help distract from the repetitious nature of the theme.

3½ fetch and carry missions out of 5

Grand Theft Auto V (2013)

Genre: Sandbox  |  Players: One  |  Developer: Rockstar North

Note: This is for the single player aspect only. GTA Online is included on the disc but is essentially a separate game, so is reviewed HERE.

GTA IV was a depressing game. I would go into it for escapism and come out feeling worse. TLaD is hardly worth mentioning, but TBoGT proved that Rockstar could do better if they tried. With V, they tried and they succeeded. Hell, they excelled. It’s still minus some key elements from the series past that I suspect were held back perhaps for future DLC episodes, or maybe even for GTA Online, but what’s included on the disc is a vast improvement over the miserable fourth numbered entry in every way. Nico is just a bad memory; that pleases me.

How is V better? There are too many reasons to list them all, but here’s a few: the driving is fixed (motorbikes are again the best way to travel); the targeting is fixed; saving your game is simpler; mission structures are more varied; the protagonists are more entertaining; the humour is back; and the radio stations are more interesting. RS learned a lot from the success of Red Dead Redemption, and quite rightly they've included the best bits of it in GTA.

Contrary to what the tabloids claim, it's not just a senseless murder simulator. I'm not trying to pretend it’s high art, it’s not, it’s just a game, but it’s a game that takes a long, hard look at the world in which we live and dares to make a statement about why it’s a complicated mess of selfish ideals, political chicanery and social stratification. It’s a game that takes the American dream and holds it up to a filthy mirror. It’s coloured with biting satire and pop culture spoofs while being critical of television, radio and newspapers, and that most abhorrent of control mechanisms: the opiate of the masses. And that’s just scratching the surface of what you can find within.

The amount of small detail that RS have included is staggering; I've never seen anything like it. I’d occasionally just stop and listen to NPC’s, drink in the ambience and exist for a short time in the game world.  Check out this time lapse video and see for yourself just how alive the City seems to be: CLICK ME.

My only criticism is that the game world is too big. That may seem an odd thing to say, but the scale of it makes it impossible to take in and less intuitive to navigate.
You should also be aware that while it’s bigger geographically, it's also shorter in length than previous games and the difficulty level is lower. I've played all entries since III and this one is by far the easiest of them all.

5 carefully planned heists out of 5

Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare (2010)

Genre: 3rd Person Shooter / Action  |  Players: One / Online Multi  |

Developer: Rockstar North / Rockstar San Diego

All they had to do was give us more of the same awesomeness for this Red Dead Redemption expansion and I'd have fapped in their coffee cups.  But they didn’t, they changed things, which is a pleasant way of saying they fucked it up.

The undead have appeared in the Wild West and waste no time in shitting up everyone’s routine.  You once again play as John Marston; his quiet life has been interrupted so he sets out to remedy it.  You’ll meet some old friends from RDR along the way, so it pays to have played it first.

The core game mechanic is the same but what they do with it is painfully formulaic.  You ride into town, kill zombies, ride into the next town, kill some zombies, ride into the next town… yawn.

Beyond that, the game is an endless hunt for ammunition.  You can’t buy it.  You have to farm it from the dead zombies.  To kill a zombie you have to get a headshot and blow his/her brains all over the dusty plains.  Worse still, to save a town from being overrun you have to give away a portion of your precious ammo to the townsfolk, who, in an act of asshat economics, will get overrun again 2 hours later while you’re off doing something else, and they will all die.  Your great heroic deed is for naught.  You could drop what you’re doing at the time and go save their sorry asses again but that is even more tedious than farming for ammo from dead dead people.

In the regions where there’s no high ground for you to climb, you’ll spend 90% of your time running away from a horde of hungry dead cretins so you can line up a shot.  By the time you’ve picked off 2 or 3 the remainder are clawing at you, killing you; you will die.  When you respawn they will all be back but your valued ammo stock will still be depleted.  To succeed you have to drop your aim and run away some more, etc.  It’s hateful and it’s the polar opposite of fun.

Heaven forbid your horse gets killed.  You’ll be stuck with a zombie horse that controls like a supermarket trolley; the one with the wobbly wheel.  I’m not even kidding.  The bastard nag won’t run straight.  He’ll pull you off ledges and bridges and into rocks and trees.  I couldn't even gain any joy in shooting it in the head because technically it was already dead.

Fuck you, Rockstar.  You turned one of the best sandbox games you've ever made into the worst sandbox game you’ve ever made.  I may well be the only person that doesn't think this is good but I care not.  I can't even give it away as I bought it from PSN.  Another reason to hate digital D/L.

Buyer’s Guide:

Available on PS3 and Xbox 360 as a D/L from the stores.  The D/L can either be as regular DLC, or as a full game (also available on disc) which will give you access to further add-ons, and multiplayer even with those that just own the original RDR.

2 run away, shoot, run away, run away, shoot, farm ammo out of 5

Red Dead Redemption (2010)

Genre: 3rd Person Shooter / Action |  Players: One / Online Multi

Developer: Rockstar San Diego

Westerns rock!  Take all that's good about the film medium and mix it with satire and social commentary (Rockstar style) and you’ll have RDR.  You've maybe heard it described as Grand Theft Auto: Wild West, and while that’s essentially true, they’re both sandbox games sharing many features, it’s also a disservice to the scope and underlying heart of Red Dead, which is something that GTA lacked.

You control John Marston, a visibly scarred former outlaw who now plays by the rules, mostly.  He still carries a gun and can kill a man if need be but in truth Marston is a friendly, politically neutral character.  It’s up to the player to define his morality and guide his choices much of the time.

The story is carried along by successive events.  Missions and tasks are triggered by people you meet.  That takes you over a large open-world map that's mostly deserted prairies with the occasional town or community encampment scattered throughout.  The game world feels alive.  The towns in particular are microcosms of the larger whole.  The violence you’ll encounter there, the domestic abuse and greed, is something you can actively stop if the notion takes you.

It may seem initially time-consuming to have to travel from town to town on horseback but it soon becomes apparent that it’s the journey, those lengthy moments of solitude, that make the game special.  It gives you time to get emotionally attached to Marston and makes it all the more important that tasks are completed successfully.  The loneliness becomes the very thing that drives you onward, as weird as that sounds.

There are dozens of diverse side-missions and lengthy lists to pass the time between missions.  You’ll be herding cattle, hunting bounties, hunting treasure, gambling at saloons, brawling, collecting flowers (really) and much more.

The music is an integral part of the experience and representative of different regions.  The voice acting is also top class, full of pathos and wry, sarcastic humour when needed.  The varying cast of ranchers, bandits, renegades, law-men and general nut-jobs keep things fresh.

Online multiplayer is another great feature.  You’ll be traversing the same terrain but there’ll be other players.  You can team up for unique co-op missions, or go it alone to clear an area of bandits for some greedy exp points.  There are the usual death-match games too if that kind of thing gives you wood.

If you don’t make it to the end of the story you’ll be missing out on perhaps the best part; the climax is the most emotional that Rockstar have ever produced.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on PS3 and Xbox 360 on disc or as a D/L from the stores.

5 hog-tied whores out of 5

Grand Theft Auto San Andreas (2004)

Genre: Sandbox | Players: Mostly 1 player but with some co-op  | Developer: Rockstar North

Gamelay:

This game is basically a Massively Single Player Offline Role Playing Game.

Practically every single vehicle can be driven and they all control differently. While the missions drive the story that’s only a small part of what’s available for you to do in this expansive world which includes such things as gang warfare, paramedic, taxi cab driver, shooting pool, low rider DDR, and even micro games in the arcade cabinets scattered throughout the world. Hell you can even earn a little money by pulling off crazy stunts just by tooling around and jumping stuff.

The customization is pretty darn high too with options for haircuts, tattoos, a huge wardrobe of clothes, and even auto tuning and custom paint & parts for cars.    

I haven’t gotten a 2^nd controller nor have I anyone to play with so I have no idea what the co-op is like. :foreveralone:

Controls:

Walking around, riding bikes, driving cars and trucks, swimming, flying planes, scoring a headshot with a 9mm form a block away all control solid only thing it does take quite a bit of getting used to. Here’s why:

The 1^st R-trigger is for auto aim but you also have to hold it down for manual as well so you’ll most likely target and shot innocence and police when you’re trying to shot an enemy and end up making things worse. Now the 1^st L-trigger brings up your stats but it’s the fire button when you hold down the R-trigger. It’s also the fire button in vehicle mode, but it’s the jump button when you’re on a bicycle, but when you’re in a hydraulic vehicle the left click stick is for jumping.

As you can see every button does something and there are tons of options for you but you’ll need to remember what does what when and where.  The jetpack would be a great start for a good Gundam control setup.

Graphics:

With a massive world packed with tons of people & vehicles the PS2 is pushed to its limits to render everything. There are times when buildings and roads won’t fully render or are completely transparent which can lead to slamming into a building or tossing yourself off a bridge into the river. Other times you’ll have to wait a few minutes for people and cars to spawn in areas and others they’ll just all suddenly pop out of hyperspace right behind you. The sketchy drawing of graphics can be troublesome but for the most part everything runs with no slowdown and looks decent for the most part.

Sound:

Great voice work by not only professional voice actors but also some high level Hollywood stars coupled with a script filled with witty and humorous dialogue gives the characters and world they live in some genuine personality.    The music soundtrack is jam packed with jams that spans everything from the obvious rap and hip hop to rock, reggae, & country with modern (by 1990’s) hits to classical ones.  

Story:

After years in another city you return home to bury your mother only to be swept up in your old life of crime. Do what you can to survive.

Buyer’s Guide:

Avalible on:  PlayStation 2, Xbox, Xbox 360, PC and Mac.  There have been tons of ports and reprintings of GTA:SA including a few “greatest hits” bundles with other GTA titles. I don’t believe there’s too much difference between them.  You can get it for under $10 easy.

5 Popes shitting in the woods out of 5