Final Fantasy VIII (1999)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Squaresoft

VIII went out of its way to create a very unique and strange system, but it ironically ended up producing a very one-dimensional experience, even compared to bog-standard RPG systems. Basically, you equip stocks of spells as armor and stat-boosts. Of course, this drops your inclination to use magic to absolute 0. Well, close enough. You’ll usually end up collecting two full batches of the various Cure spells, so you can actually use them, as intended, but that’s it. Outside of that, when you cast magic, you’re decreasing your stats! Why would you ever want to do that?

There are two ways to get magic, but all that changes between those methods is HOW you’re going to be significantly waylaid. You can ‘Draw’ magic from enemies, resulting in a duplication of leveling. You’ll be leveling yourself and grinding for spells whenever you come across an enemy with something new. Ideally, you don’t want to level, because enemies’ levels increase right alongside yours. But, you need AP to teach your summons new abilities, especially if you’re using the second method. Ergo, you ARE going to level to a normal degree, unless you specifically modify EVERY non-boss enemy into its playing card, from the game’s preeminent mini-game, Triple Triad. That only increases the time necessary to complete the game a MILLION fold. You ARE going to level. It is…inevitable...

The second method involves modifying Triple Triad cards and item drops into collections of spells. Again, that only means that you’re going to spend aeons playing cards, or getting drops, instead of Drawing spells. There is no escaping the eternity of VIII, unless you’re a speedrunner, but their fate is still mostly the same.

VIII commits a fundamental sin. I consider a fundamental sin to be an act that goes against something so BASIC to the structure or purpose of something, that it should have never had to be spoken of, in the first place. The joy of grinding in jrpgs is based on the very simple concept of reinforcement. The more you level, the stronger you become, and USUALLY the more money you acquire. The stronger you are, the faster battles end. This creates a very nice curve, and cycle, of reinforcement.

VIII says, ‘NO.’ An early boss battle sums the problem up, perfectly:

'Oh, no! HELP ME!'

'Yo, I got you, girl...just wait for about 30 minutes while I Draw these 3 new spells from this thing and its minions. Don’t worry, I’ll get around to defeating them, eventually.'

You get stuck in singular battles for extended periods of time, Drawing spells. The joy of getting into and ending battles swiftly is largely denied. It doesn’t help that the battle animations feel like they’re in slow-motion, and there’s a healthy delay to getting into battles AND starting card games. Again, there is no escape.

What inevitably happens (if you don’t quit immediately) is that you put up with this and equip the spells and summons as best you can, in three sets, that you can switch between characters. This is largely a farce, though, since you’re just going to attack Squall until he’s in critical HP, and then have him spam his Renzokuken Limit Break endlessly, since it hits a large amount of times.

If only there was a game that allowed you to hit multiple times, without having to be on the verge of death. Oh yeah, Final Fantasy I… It’s utterly incomprehensible that VIII chose to make class-specific skills into Limits. Why isn’t the Blue Mage casting Blue Magic? Why isn’t the Monk doing his special attacks, at will? Why isn’t the gunman using special ammo? Why is the Beastmaster not using her beast? The ways to prevent players from spamming these skills are MP pools, fighting game inputs, and ammo supplies. They had all of this down pat two games prior! But, here, they all have to be nearly dead to use their special skills. What? Why?!?!

I’ll address Triple Triad, here, because I want to end with some discourse on the story and characters. When I think of VIII, I'm always struck by how I remember the events of it, but virtually nothing of the characters. They are character sketches, at best. Ideas jotted on a napkin, by a writer, that were never brought to life, never developed. It's exactly the same in Uchu Sentai Kyuranger. At the end of the series, because there have been no personal interactions between them, no bonding, no hanging out, the Senshi are STILL just character sketches. 50 hours, or 50 episodes, and there's nothing to show for any of these characters beyond: "This is the brooding lead." "This is the sickeningly cute girl." "This is the chef.” Many members of the party in Xenogears only have their introductory story event to their names. This is honestly much more than most of the party in VIII can claim. They’re almost like Transformers: they’re definitely personalities, but not really characters.

Part of the issue is that Squall is given carte blanche to turn them off like light-switches. Quistis TRIES to be a character, but Squall flatly says, ‘NO. Not on my watch.’ No one should ever be given this manner of power.

When it comes to the story…I still don’t entirely understand it. I’ve definitely heard some theories about it, but none of them have helped me. The resolution to this amorphous issue is honestly awe-inspiring, in the worst possible way. You are going to be presented with the most bald reasoning I have ever witnessed. It’s like an animatronic that has been stripped of not only its skin, but also all of the plastic shielding holding its wire guts to shape.

You can’t do that. You have to come up with some explanation, guys. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it has to EXIST. I’m talking Care Bears, here, guys. Care Bears. Oh, and technically the game's biggest surprises are spoiled by the computer you can access at the very beginning of the game. But, who reads things? Oh wait, people who play RPGs... 😡

There was a time when I actually strolled into a forum and claimed that this was my favorite game. Do you know why? Because it helped me waste time. It gave me something to do, while I was coming to grips with something I had lost. First came VIII, then came XII. I needed time and distractions. If that’s all you need, have at it. It’s great for wasting your time, but little else.

A dumpster fire, from stem to stern. I don’t understand how things like this and Kyuranger make it out of development, in such a state.

 

I'll stick with Dirge, tyvm~

Buying Guide: Originally a PSX release. Also, PC. It's been remastered, so it's on PS4, Switch, and Xbox One. I've seen some screenshots. They definitely half-assed it. I'm honestly not surprised. Wait, didn't they lose the source code, or something? Some things are lost for a reason, mir?

0 Dreamy Cowboys For Selphie To Bang, Even If She Wrote This Fanfiction out of 5

Dirge of Cerberus (2006)

Genre: 3rd-Person Shooter, Action, RPG | Players: 1

Developer: Square Enix Product Development Division 1

...you can sleep in a coffin, but the past ain't through with you...

This is a steaming pile of shit in the most vital way: the gameplay. Movement is stiff, you can only jump off ledges when the designers want you to, and most heinous of all, you’re going to be told you suck on your first playthrough. This was actually intended to be played over and over. Hence, your likely only pass is going to be riddled with disappointment, ad nauseum presses of R1, and most of the bad-assery being left to fight-ending cinematics. Not that I really mind that SO much, considering QTEs are nowhere to be found. Silver linings can be absolutely microscopic, sometimes.

The enemy team Squeenix cooked up has a purpose, in the long run, but are ultimately there to provide Vinny with boss fights other than military hardware. Even still, he’s got a huge beef with helicopters if this game is any indication. The main conflict works within the world’s mythos, at least. We could probably debate whether that’s good or bad.

As I drove on, I again found myself getting caught up in it; It’s a numb feeling akin to being stuck on the side of a Katamari ball, I suppose. Near the end, Vincent seems to realize he’s in a video game and most people are going to find the culmination to ring a bit sour because of it. There really isn’t that much revealed in terms of his character’s arc. It is nice to see stuff from VII play out in 3D cutscenes, though. Yuffie is presented well and her interactions with Vincent are very pleasant, if predictable. Reeve, however, shines by far the brightest before the game finally realizes who’s on the box cover.

If you like Vincent and have a high tolerance for shit, this will likely be the guiltiest of pleasures. If he didn’t spark your interest with his appearance in the main game, avoid at all costs.

I feel like I should start shopping at Hot Topic for liking this at all.

Buyer's Guide: PS2 exclusive. Wiki says it's on PSN. They lie, thankfully. It did somehow receive a Greatest Hits release, and it's probably the only one that has ever actually worked, aesthetically. I.e., I'm glad I sold my original and ended up with the re-release on my shelf. There was a tie-in on mobile phones, once upon a time, but I'm sure it's lost to the digital aether, now.

Now that I've reviewed VIII, it's especially pertinent to note that Quistis and Selphie's character models get re-used, here, as....ZOMG, actual CHARACTERS 😄

1½ 'I had enough things to be guilty about, as it was' out of 5

Super Scribblenauts (2010)

Genre: Puzzle  | Players: 1 | Developer: 5th Cell

You'll have to walk your brain outside the box if you're to enjoy Super Scribblenauts. It's described as an 'emergent action puzzle game'. What that means in practical terms is a licence to do magic with the stylus; i.e. conjure things in real time simply by spelling them. Use the stylus to input words and watch as the game creates the object(s) on-screen: Ninjas. Velociraptors. Trout. Almost any non-trademarked object you can imagine can be rendered. Almost… it's kid friendly, so no shark-toothed vaginas or armour-clad knobs.

You can even attribute adjectives to your creations. The majority of the time the creature/object will behave according to its nature. Things may get out of hand if you create opposites, or carnivores and tasty humans in the same play park.

Leaving that aside, the gameplay revolves around Maxwell. You move him either with the D-pad or the stylus. The stylus is used for moving your creations around on-screen, so it's simpler to control Maxwell via the D-pad.

Maxwell collects starite, one of which is awarded for each of the 120 levels completed successfully. You'll need to analyse a situation, then create an object that will solve a dilemma or enable Maxwell to get from point A to point B safely. Once the starite is won you move onto the next puzzle. It's structured as a set of tutorials that'll help you gradually understand the mechanics of the game.

There's almost always more than one way to proceed, but admittedly some of the solutions are tenuously related to the problem. Sometimes the obvious, most rational solution will fail to solve the equation with no explanation why. It can get frustrating. When that happened I drifted off into toy box mode again, and fun was had with a jetpack and a flamethrower. Pyromaniacs will get their jollies.

As a game it's too short and too arbitrary to give full marks to. But as a toybox/sandbox simulator it has almost endless possibilities, provided you have a sufficiently fertile imagination to tap into. The middle ground between the two aspects is an amazingly simple idea married to a densely packed creation tool.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on Nintendo DS only.

3½ homicidal scribbles out of 5

Final Fantasy XIII-2 (2012)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square-Enix

Somehow, Squeenix managed to screw up every single facet of XIII-2. Instead of bringing back the stellar cast of the original, it was decided that monsters would fill the third slot in your party. The system is similar to Lufia II’s, in that you give your monsters items as opposed to leveling them in a traditional manner. It’s a serviceable enough system, but why should we be denied the cast when they are all actually in the game?

In terms of gameplay improvements, you are now allowed to save paradigm decks (a feature sorely lacking from the original) in A GAME WITH NO CHARACTER SWITCHING.

Roles are now leveled from 1 to 99 and the majority of the skills are given to you near the beginning of each skill track. There doesn’t feel like there is much progression from around lvl 40 to the high 80s and 90s, in the main quest.

Further, the roles are denied crucial skills such as Haste (which is dependent on getting pre-emptive strikes) and the En-spells. Synergists and Saboteurs are not necessary for the majority of the main quest but are crucial to the final battles. This leaves one scratching their head as to why you’re able to complete the game almost exclusively using the Cerberus paradigm—a very erroneous criticism leveled at the original game.

In the main quest, you only visit a handful of areas (repeatedly). Besides Academia (the new Zozo) they are relatively small and lackluster. Questing within them is banal and insultingly bad, to boot, as quest items are just found in chests.

The characters from the original make cameos, as noted, but the plot of this game makes an intelligent character seem like a dolt constructing a Rube Goldberg-esque solution to what should ultimately be a non-problem.

Most egregiously, the story somehow simultaneously rehashes part of the original’s plot while managing to also completely invalidate its entire point. It’s a slap in the face to fans of the original and while it may not be the worst game I’ve played on a technical level, it is the worst in as much as it ruins characters I am invested in on an emotional level.

Oh, and you’re going to have to buy the real ending as dlc.

Buyer’s Guide:
Sadly, this is currently widely available for both the PS3 and the Xbox 360.

0 Nu-metal Chocobo Themes Should Have Ever Existed out of 5

Nutted by NEG

Noby Noby Boy (2009)

Genre: Erm... | Players: 1 - 4 | Developer: Namco Bandai

NNB is an odd game. I’m not even sure if it can be called a game. I’ll try to explain. You control BOY, a kind of worm with a head and a butt. The left analogue stick moves his head; the right stick moves his butt. If you push them in opposite directions he stretches out. If you eat things (fruit, blocks, speakers, people, camels, etc) you can stretch further. The further you can stretch the bigger the object you can eat. You score points by stretching to as great a length as you can.

The SUN sends your points to a second character called GIRL, who's whizzing around the solar system and can only reach a new planet when you (and the rest of the world, it’s a cumulative thing) send her enough score. A new planet reached is a new level for you to stretch around on, and gives new things to eat. (This happened to me during playing, I chuckled: open in new tab for pic. That’s my worm character in the background, the long thing with the bunny on its back.)

Each world is a floating platform in space, so if you get too long your ass can fall off the sides. If your ass is too heavy, it’ll drag you down with it. You can lighten the load by shitting out things you've eaten, but that'll shrink you.

The camera controls are a nightmare until you get used to them. To move the camera you hold L1 and R1 and tilt the controller. You have to do that while simultaneously using L2 to eat things. If you want to zoom in or out you use one button and tilt. You can also spin around, go above or below BOY (inside the planet view) and more that I can’t even begin to try and remember right now.

It’s made by Keita Takahashi, the creator of Katamari Damacy, so if you've played it you’ll maybe begin to understand why I had trouble reviewing NNB. I'm giving up now. I can't write any more. My head is full of Noby.

Buyer's Guide:
Can only be bought directly from PSN.

3½ times literally eating my own ass and because IU demanded it out of 5

Breakdown (2004)

Genre: First Person Shooter, Action | Players: 1 | Developer: Namco

An attempt to be innovative that failed in it's execution.
Gameplay:
Players control Derrick in an unbroken first person perspective as he battles soldiers and warriors with guns and with various punch and kick combos. The developer was aiming for total immersion so in addition to the uninterrupted perspective (Valve did that better) there is almost no heads up display and interacting with anything in the environment is handled more realistically in that you actually have to pick up items instead of just walking over them. This essentially does nothing but get in the way as Derrick lovingly examines every item until you tell him to use it which is a problem if you need ammo or health in the middle of a fight which you inevitably will because of the terrible controls. Also irksome is you can save ammo, but not healing items. You use it or lose it.
Controls:
The shooting is terrible particularly if you are more than 5 feet from your target. The auto lock is worthless and you're better off not using it at all. It's a little more useful for the hand to hand fighting since without it you may go sailing past the enemy if you are too close which you will invariably have to be since you are fighting hand to hand. The triggers are the main attack buttons which is a stupid idea for fist fighting as they are not responsive enough. Combos are made using the left stick with attack buttons, but the stick also controls movement and the game has difficulty acknowledging which action you want to take. So you are left to basic combos that don't need the joystick which limits your options. One more nitpick, platforming sections are never good in first person perspective.
Sound:
Not a whole lot of music. It only punctuates a few action scenes and in between you are left with nothing but Derrick's footsteps and breathing. If this is supposed to be part of the immersion someone needed to remind the developers that games are supposed to be fun. The voice acting is OK at least.
Graphics:
Endless gray hallways all around. Office spaces with the most draconian decorating regulations aren't as bland as these environments. Human characters seem to have eaten all the graphical resources since they look pretty good.
Story:
Derrick awakes in a lab with amnesia by a woman who seems to know him and she helps him escape when soldiers invade the lab and try to kill him. The story is actually somewhat interesting. It would have been better served with decent gameplay or just as a nice science fiction movie.
Buyer's Guide:
Can be found online or in bargain bins for around $5.

1½ A for effort, D for execution out of 5

Flower, Sun and Rain: Murder and Mystery in Paradise (2008)

Genre: Mystery  |  Players: 1  |  Developer: Grasshopper Manufacture

I'd describe Flower, Sun and Rain as a mystery game, but it’s a mystery game developed by Suda 51, so it’s typically beyond the realms of weird, slithering into bat-shit crazy territory.

You play as Sumio Mondo, a 'searcher' with an ability to find lost things. Aided by a talking suitcase named Catherine you interact with items in the game world that are real and unreal, spiritual or just plain bizarre. You decode puzzles by plugging Catherine into objects, consulting your guide book or talking with the other guests of the Flower, Sun and Rain hotel.

With little instruction or help I found myself wandering around lost a lot of the time; a heck of a lot. Not that I could wander very far, much of the game world is closed off in its own tightly controlled hermetic space, which is very irritating.

It’s populated with a cast of weirdos that speak a mumbling kind of gibberish, much like Suda’s Killer7 (2005) game. There's a non-linear David Lynch sense of time. Sumio exists in a seemingly-endless time loop that adds further mystery to the story. The reason you were summoned to the hotel in the first place is never far away from your mind, but at the same time seems a million miles away.

The most frustrating thing (besides the lack of instruction) is the repetitiveness of the text. You’ll end up talking to the same person a lot and reading the same thing over and over while trying to pinpoint a single word that might hold a clue to the mystery. It gave my head a mini-meltdown.

I'm glossing over a lot of details here because of limited space, so I’ll end by saying if you like Suda 51’s brand of the bizarre, or want to be frustrated to the point of agony with puzzles that initially seem to have nothing in common with their eventual solution, then you may find something of interest in FS+R.

2½ eerie peepholes out of 5