The Witcher (2007)

 

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: CD Projekt Red

        In a crapsack medieval world where peasants are terrorized by monsters, bandits and an encroaching empire coming north to conquer the kingdoms, the peasants only recourse are Witchers; Humans enhanced with alchemy and a lifetime of training that give them a longer life, heightened senses and greater strength to hunt monsters. Witchers roam the land killing monsters or solving problems for a price, but they are a dying breed of warrior as the process to make witchers is both deadly and requires obscure arcane knowledge as well as regular humans fearing and shunning them despite the service they provide.

     A veteran witcher Geralt awakens in the forest close to his home fortress of Kaer Morhen, dazed and close to death. He is found by fellow witchers and taken home where a sorceress named Triss helps heal him. They are glad to see Geralt as he was thought to be dead for some time. Geralt has lost his memories, but before they can try to help him recollect bandits led by a rogue mage with a pet monster attack the fortress. Geralt and the witchers repel them with the help of Triss at the cost of the newest witcher recruits life and realize the mage managed to steal the knowledge and ingredients to the witcher process. Geralt sets off to hunt them down for revenge, to return the witcher secrets and to find out more about his past that he can't remember with the only clue being the insignia some of the bandits wore.

      The game looks like an early PS2 game and controls like a 90s point and click rpg despite being released a decade after. Aged as well as the sidequests where you collect sexual conquests as trading cards. Thankfully there is a 3rd control scheme you can select that uses mouse and keyboard with a fixed over the shoulder camera that makes it closer to a decent action game. The one click swordplay is very unengaging especially at first, but gets mildly better as you learn to switch sword-styles for different enemies. You can enhance your abilities with alchemy and books, but both require expensive materials. Some enemy parts needed for quests can't even be harvested unless the player has read the matching book first. You would think just rooting around in the corpses would be enough. Exploration is fairly open ended as Geralt travels around talking to NPCs looking for any paying work while investigating the main quest. The game is also plagued by a few bugs like character hair models that can't stay still and fly around like a flag in a storm, animations that don't load and random crashes. The characters and story are still quite good and may be enough to tough out the slog of the gameplay, but non hardcore fans may want to just watch a recap video or wait for the announced remake.

Buyer's Guide: An enhanced edition is available in most online storefronts that fixes bugs and removes the censorship that was in the original North American release. Can also wait for the announced remake by a new studio overseen by CD Projekt Red.

2 Bangin a witch near the mob tryin to kill her out of 5 

Horizon: Zero Dawn (2017)

 

Genre: Open World Action RPG | Players:1 | Developer: Guerrilla Games

     Tribal humans fighting mecha-dinosaurs? Quite a pitch. Sign me up. I see why they put that as the first trailer for the game. That child's dream premise is the setting of Horizon: Zero Dawn, where an unspecified apocalypse has left humanity on the brink of extinction. Those left have reverted to tribal stone age societies that survive by hunting animals and scavenging the mechanical beasts that now roam most of the land.

    At the center of this is Aloy, a girl cast out from her tribe at birth for unknown reasons. Raised by her adoptive father figure and mentor, she trains to be able to take place in a tribal tradition that will win her re-admittance to the tribe as well as the right to demand answers of the matriarchal tribal leader of her past and banishment. Things go wrong tho when the contest is interrupted by outsiders raiding and slaughtering the contestants and other warriors who have seemingly come specifically to kill Aloy. This spurs her to journey outside tribal territory on a journey to find answers to not just the attack, but to her own heritage and how it connects to the legacy of the "Old Ones"; the humans of the pre-apocalyse who are both semi-worshiped for their technological knowledge and feared for their downfall that has left only ruins.

    Players control Aloy in an open world setting where they can do quests for NPC's, follow the main story, fight machines both stealthily or openly with a wide variety of weapons and skills, or scavenge resources to craft items, weapons, ammo and outfits. The combat is decently fluid and the skills and weapons give many ways to take down enemies. Each enemy type has strengths and weaknesses that Aloy can scan to learn the best way of taking them down and leveling up gives skill points that can be spent for Aloy to learn new abilities which gives the RPG part of this action RPG. The enemy AI is decently challenging, but can feel a bit stifling when multiple enemies attack patterns overlap effectively stun-locking until Aloy dies. The world is large and heavily explorable with villages, bandit camps, cities, landscapes and the ruins of the Old Ones. More chances to run into the more colorful NPCs. The characters are all interestingly designed and acted as they go about their lives like the man who pays players to collect "artifacts" which are actually just ancient coffee mugs with corporate branding on them because he thinks they were part of a sacred ritual. Too bad Aloy is the least animated of them. Natural given she has lived isolated for 18 years, but she never seems to grow out of it. Ashly Burch gives great emotion in some dialogue, but Aloy's whole personality can come off kind of flat. There are also some technical bugs like voices sometimes going out of sync with mouths, or Aloy becoming torso-less when an outfit change won't load. Nothing unseen before in video games and it doesn't dampen what is an excellent science fiction story and adventure with varied combat and deep exploration with a bit of replayability in different dialogue trees and choices to be made.

Buyer's Guide: Was a PS4 exclusive for years until a PC port was released. The PC port was super buggy. It has since been patched, but is still the slightly less stable version with more versatility in technical options being on PC. Later editions come with the Frozen Wilds DLC already included.

4 Corporate Sponsored Apocalypses out of 5

Let’s Talk About Silent Hill in 2023(Also, The Order I Suggest Newcomers Follow)

 

WOW, the monetary suggestions I made, and the hunting tips I laid out, in my reviews, sure look ludicrous, now, don’t they? You probably know who to blame. Let’s hope they get what they deserve, and that makes the market return to normal.

Don’t hold your breath on it, but have hope, nevertheless.

The best outcome I can reasonably expect is that the folks who spent obscene amounts of money on Silent Hill games, the last few years, will actually play them, and not simply let them rot on their shelves, as objects of status.

FUCKING DO IT; THEY’RE OBSCENELY AMAZING.

I intend to help anyone of that number who actually ends up wandering into this dark, sometimes, somewhat comforting corner of the interwebs. A while back, I was talking with a friend of mine, and stumbled into a sound strategy for tackling the series. I might as well share it.

My suggested order is present at the bottom of this post, as an image, for those who have no interest in listening to me explain myself. I promise there will be no spoilers, should you hear me out, in full, but lots of people are impatient/busy/etc. That’s alright, because I enjoy talking, for my own sake. Diogenes would be proud.

Guess who cashed out? 😂

Final Fantasy VIII (1999)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Squaresoft

VIII went out of its way to create a very unique and strange system, but it ironically ended up producing a very one-dimensional experience, even compared to bog-standard RPG systems. Basically, you equip stocks of spells as armor and stat-boosts. Of course, this drops your inclination to use magic to absolute 0. Well, close enough. You’ll usually end up collecting two full batches of the various Cure spells, so you can actually use them, as intended, but that’s it. Outside of that, when you cast magic, you’re decreasing your stats! Why would you ever want to do that?

There are two ways to get magic, but all that changes between those methods is HOW you’re going to be significantly waylaid. You can ‘Draw’ magic from enemies, resulting in a duplication of leveling. You’ll be leveling yourself and grinding for spells whenever you come across an enemy with something new. Ideally, you don’t want to level, because enemies’ levels increase right alongside yours. But, you need AP to teach your summons new abilities, especially if you’re using the second method. Ergo, you ARE going to level to a normal degree, unless you specifically modify EVERY non-boss enemy into its playing card, from the game’s preeminent mini-game, Triple Triad. That only increases the time necessary to complete the game a MILLION fold. You ARE going to level. It is…inevitable...

The second method involves modifying Triple Triad cards and item drops into collections of spells. Again, that only means that you’re going to spend aeons playing cards, or getting drops, instead of Drawing spells. There is no escaping the eternity of VIII, unless you’re a speedrunner, but their fate is still mostly the same.

VIII commits a fundamental sin. I consider a fundamental sin to be an act that goes against something so BASIC to the structure or purpose of something, that it should have never had to be spoken of, in the first place. The joy of grinding in jrpgs is based on the very simple concept of reinforcement. The more you level, the stronger you become, and USUALLY the more money you acquire. The stronger you are, the faster battles end. This creates a very nice curve, and cycle, of reinforcement.

VIII says, ‘NO.’ An early boss battle sums the problem up, perfectly:

'Oh, no! HELP ME!'

'Yo, I got you, girl...just wait for about 30 minutes while I Draw these 3 new spells from this thing and its minions. Don’t worry, I’ll get around to defeating them, eventually.'

You get stuck in singular battles for extended periods of time, Drawing spells. The joy of getting into and ending battles swiftly is largely denied. It doesn’t help that the battle animations feel like they’re in slow-motion, and there’s a healthy delay to getting into battles AND starting card games. Again, there is no escape.

What inevitably happens (if you don’t quit immediately) is that you put up with this and equip the spells and summons as best you can, in three sets, that you can switch between characters. This is largely a farce, though, since you’re just going to attack Squall until he’s in critical HP, and then have him spam his Renzokuken Limit Break endlessly, since it hits a large amount of times.

If only there was a game that allowed you to hit multiple times, without having to be on the verge of death. Oh yeah, Final Fantasy I… It’s utterly incomprehensible that VIII chose to make class-specific skills into Limits. Why isn’t the Blue Mage casting Blue Magic? Why isn’t the Monk doing his special attacks, at will? Why isn’t the gunman using special ammo? Why is the Beastmaster not using her beast? The ways to prevent players from spamming these skills are MP pools, fighting game inputs, and ammo supplies. They had all of this down pat two games prior! But, here, they all have to be nearly dead to use their special skills. What? Why?!?!

I’ll address Triple Triad, here, because I want to end with some discourse on the story and characters. When I think of VIII, I'm always struck by how I remember the events of it, but virtually nothing of the characters. They are character sketches, at best. Ideas jotted on a napkin, by a writer, that were never brought to life, never developed. It's exactly the same in Uchu Sentai Kyuranger. At the end of the series, because there have been no personal interactions between them, no bonding, no hanging out, the Senshi are STILL just character sketches. 50 hours, or 50 episodes, and there's nothing to show for any of these characters beyond: "This is the brooding lead." "This is the sickeningly cute girl." "This is the chef.” Many members of the party in Xenogears only have their introductory story event to their names. This is honestly much more than most of the party in VIII can claim. They’re almost like Transformers: they’re definitely personalities, but not really characters.

Part of the issue is that Squall is given carte blanche to turn them off like light-switches. Quistis TRIES to be a character, but Squall flatly says, ‘NO. Not on my watch.’ No one should ever be given this manner of power.

When it comes to the story…I still don’t entirely understand it. I’ve definitely heard some theories about it, but none of them have helped me. The resolution to this amorphous issue is honestly awe-inspiring, in the worst possible way. You are going to be presented with the most bald reasoning I have ever witnessed. It’s like an animatronic that has been stripped of not only its skin, but also all of the plastic shielding holding its wire guts to shape.

You can’t do that. You have to come up with some explanation, guys. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it has to EXIST. I’m talking Care Bears, here, guys. Care Bears. Oh, and technically the game's biggest surprises are spoiled by the computer you can access at the very beginning of the game. But, who reads things? Oh wait, people who play RPGs... 😡

There was a time when I actually strolled into a forum and claimed that this was my favorite game. Do you know why? Because it helped me waste time. It gave me something to do, while I was coming to grips with something I had lost. First came VIII, then came XII. I needed time and distractions. If that’s all you need, have at it. It’s great for wasting your time, but little else.

A dumpster fire, from stem to stern. I don’t understand how things like this and Kyuranger make it out of development, in such a state.

 

I'll stick with Dirge, tyvm~

Buying Guide: Originally a PSX release. Also, PC. It's been remastered, so it's on PS4, Switch, and Xbox One. I've seen some screenshots. They definitely half-assed it. I'm honestly not surprised. Wait, didn't they lose the source code, or something? Some things are lost for a reason, mir?

0 Dreamy Cowboys For Selphie To Bang, Even If She Wrote This Fanfiction out of 5

Mega Man 4 (1992)

Yes, Pharaoh Man, purge those demonic faces with flame.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Let’s wrap this endeavor up. I briefly discussed 4 in my review of 5, but I want to tackle the Anniversary Collection in a Mega Man Collection post. The main reason I’ve forwent this for so long, besides wanting to talk about 5 quite a bit more, is because 4 is very much the workhorse entry. It’s not the greatest; it’s FAR from the worst. I’ve never complained about doing a run, outside of having to deal with the newly borked Rush Jet, of course.

As I’ve said elsewhere, it’s a deathtrap, now. I cannot fathom why they would ever go from the perfect execution of it (in Rush’s first appearance, no less!) to this pile of horseshit. If a sub-pixel of your toe touches him, he’s off, WITHOUT YOU. Progress. We’re supposed to progress, people. Move forward, not back. This is a regression.

I’ll be honest, I take Toad Man out first, which immediately nets me Rush Marine. And yet, I have NEVER thought to use it in Dive Man’s stage. Not once. I only now saw it mentioned as a possibility on the wiki. Ergo, for me, there is only one tiny section where it’s ever been able to be used. That has never bothered me. It made it feel special. It made me feel glad that they decided to keep it, in spite of its VERY VERY limited time to shine. I’m a 3 fanboy, through and through. It can’t jump out of the water and be used for platforming, anymore, but that was quirky icing, not functionality I ever expected.

Beyond Rush, there are two new, hidden movement tools to find. Balloon is basically Item 1 from MM2. Wire is a grappling claw that allows you to travel vertically and jump slightly sideways on the dismount. Its usefulness is somewhat constrained, unless you’re like me and want to grind for E-Tanks in Drill Man’s stage.

I mean the following in a literal sense, not a tonal sense: The visuals are a bit darker than elsewhere in the series. Everything’s a bit drab. It doesn’t take too much away from the experience, but it is worth noting. I suppose the beginning of Ring Man’s stage is an outlier, but the majority of it falls very much in line with this assessment. That said, it is a serious boon for Pharaoh Man and Dust Man. The former is top-tier, from his design, to his theme, to the night-time tomb raiding expedition that is his stage. I respect him way too damn much to use his weakness against him. The first time, anyway. The rematches are immediately followed by the initial battle with Wily. I have to be pragmatic about it. Dust Man…the unspoken story of his stage is magnificent and haunting.

Ultimately a damn fine game, across the board.

Buyer’s Guide: Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

3 Fat Guys Hula-Hooping In the Rain out of 5

Mega Man 6 (1994)

It took them until their last NES at-bat, but they finally hit a grand slam. I fucking love this boxart.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

When I first started replaying this entry as an adult, I found it kind of soulless. That’s a bit crazy to me, at this point. The more I played it, the more I enjoyed it. It’s really fun! It isn’t as easy as 5, but it’s the closest game in the franchise to it, in that regard.

It’s cool to know that some of the Masters were designed by people other than Capcom’s usual creative staff. Contest winners from Canada (Daniel Vallée) and…North America (Michael Leader; thanks Mega Man Wiki, for that wonderfully detailed bit of information…) were responsible for Knight Man and Wind Man. I rather like the former, but not for reasons one might expect. You see, he doesn’t care about always giving you easy chances to cross the room, like most Masters. No, he’s perfectly fine with occasionally jumping you straight into a corner. I rather like assholes like him and Charge Man (who’ll change directions on a whim and pimp walk all over your corpse with no fucks given). Wind Man…is one of the easiest Masters ever. Oh well~

If nothing else, those two are the ones that appear on the NA cover. That's top-shelf, Nintendo. Class. Yes, Nintendo, because they were the ones that published it, here, not Capcom.

In spite of the split theming of the overall crew, there is a bit of a generic feel to everything on display, but it’s far from my original assessment of the game’s merit. All of the Masters are taking part in a tournament run by Wily (SPOILERS, OH NO!!!), but four of them are much more warrior-like than the others. Those being Knight Man, Centaur Man, Tomahawk Man, and Yamato Man. It’s best that they didn’t call the last one Spear or Yari Man, because you would have ended up wielding the Spear Spear~

These four Masters can all be reached via two different paths. The fights with them are the same, but traversing the less accessible ones will cause them to give you the Beat parts. Yeah, Beat returns, but isn’t nearly as useful, as far as I can tell. In 5, he was fairly indispensable. Here…is anything weak to him? I always just use Tomahawks whenever it seems as if he would be worth calling.

I absolutely cannot complain about that, however, given how well the Rush Adaptors are utilized. You have to use Power and Jet Mega Man CONSTANTLY, especially in the Dr. X and Wily Castles. Yeah, the same animations of Rush transforming play every time you select them, but you can skip ‘em by mashing buttons. The only real drawback to using them is that you cannot slide. Power Mega Man still has a basic projectile in spite of him mainly relying on regular and charged punches. Not being able to charge your Buster isn’t really something you need to do while flying as Jet Mega Man. No, it flat out isn’t necessary, at all, to my knowledge. I’ve never felt that need. These two went on to be combined into the Super Adapter in 7.

The other four Masters are mostly elemental in nature. Flame Man stands out, as you may personally find him culturally insensitive. I’m honestly much more upset that the power he grants you is a re-colored flame effect from Gemini Man’s stage. Seriously? Plant Man is the oddball, but I rather like him. I even like his somewhat irritating backyard. The latter half of his stage is a pit-filled obstacle course predicated on springs that respond to the strength with which you press the jump button. This can be trouble if your controller of choice is as knackered as my current PS2 one is. It’s a little maddening, but it’s an appropriate challenge to overcome in order to earn the Jet Adaptor.

In short, 6 is a bit of a mixed bag, but even what’s not top-tier is still comfortably enjoyable.

I dig it, man.

Buyer’s Guide: Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

3 Easily Missable Proto Man Appearances out of 5

Mega Man 2 (1989)

Better art than 1, but still shit.

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Though hailed as a classic by many, I'm just not much of a fan of it. I still play it, though. That having been fearlessly stated, I will concede that there are a number of positives!

I really do love the Masters. I’m sincerely glad that they all came back in Mega Man 3. That wasn’t padding. It was honoring, dammit. Because I load this up rather infrequently compared to the rest, I usually have to do the rematches many multiple times. I blame Wily. Though, blame is a poor choice of word. I’m rather glad of it. I love having to do it! It demonstrates to me that the fluidity in the controls did come into being a bit sooner than the third entry. Something about being removed from the stages themselves puts that into perspective. I’ll never ever be able to Buster Shadow Man, but I have a decent grasp on Quick Man and his fleet-footed shenanigans. There’s a wholesome joy to blasting through all of them again and again, until I remember that the hit-box on Wily Machine 2 seems to extend beyond its nose…

Some of the stages are exquisite. I have no qualms whatsoever with doing Quick Man’s as many times as necessary. The disappearing blocks in Heat Man’s are the most notorious in my personal span of the series. There might be more insidious ones out there, but I absolutely respect this set. I enjoy those precarious bastards. On the other end of the spectrum, Crash Man’s is pure monotony and Metal Man’s makes my eyes bleed. While we’re here, one could complain about so many Masters and other bosses being weak to the Metal Blades, but frankly I’m surprised that more aren’t. You’re literally chucking sawblades around, of course destruction is inevitable! The rate at which your supply depletes is broken, as well. Feel free to cheese the game to your heart’s content. Even someone who Busters as much as they feasibly can, like me, ends up using them a decent amount.

The elephant in the room is the Boobeam Trap. It’s pretty bad. I’ll explain why I feel this way: until you know exactly how to do it, it will waylay your first run. If you play as sporadically as me, it’ll stop even subsequent runs dead in their tracks. The stage itself feels overly long with the moving platform sections, and overly cruel with the final gauntlet of Sniper Joes and their mecha walker things. Technical terms, yo. Dying to the trap makes you repeat all of the sections I just detailed. There is no boss hallway checkpoint! The thing that makes it the worst is that the turrets can only be damaged with Crash Bombs. You simply don’t have enough to take out all of the barriers and the turrets. Now, a bit of mercy is shown in that if you make it there again, without getting a game over, the barriers you destroyed will not reappear. Of course, you’ll have to hope you didn’t take the weapon refill capsules at the start (and go back there to get them, if you didn’t) because otherwise you will be FARMING. Oh JOY~

Now, I’m going to draw a direct comparison to explain my thinking. The first Wily stage in the first game also forces me to play it over and over. However, unlike the Boobeam Trap, I rather enjoy the process. Mainly it’s because that stage is not an exercise in exact resource management. You have more than enough Ice Slasher to freeze the Big Eyes and the flame pillars. You have enough Super Arm for all three lives in a round. You are given energy for the Magnet Beam after traversing the pit, immediately before the section it is mandatory for. You restart right before the Yellow Devil. The Thunder Beam is very energy efficient. AND, even if you somehow manage to run out (you won’t, you’ll die first) you can damage it with more than just its weakness!!!

The Boobeam Trap doesn’t break the game, but it exists squarely in the realm of INCREDIBLY IRKSOME, until you know (or remember) what has to happen. I avoid 2 as much as I do, because of it.

“Get Good!”

That requires motivation, son, and this game tends to sap it out of me.

Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). NES Mini. Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

1½ Overrated Tracks out of 5

Mega Man X (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

Though they are related, the classic and X series are relatively distinct entities. X did not take up the torch, wholesale. Mega Man 7 saw release after this game, and eventually there was an 8, 9, 10, and 11. The defining differences are as follows:

Pros:

• The Mavericks, while still essentially Robot Masters, are animal-themed.
• X can wall-jump straight up singular walls.
• X can find Dr. Light capsules to power-up his legs, armor, helmet, and X-Buster.

Cons:

• X’s soundtrack is all screechy guitars and synths.
• Each entry attempts to shoe-horn in more and more story.
• Heavy emphasis on a new character, as the series progresses.

There’s an (ego-driven) reason that Zero is doted on, but that doesn’t mean it was done well, or was justified. It wasn’t. In fact, in a later entry, there exists a situation that clearly demonstrates that they were no longer bothering to play-test the games fully, FOR THE TITULAR CHARACTER. Zero is over-powered and there’s no weakness present in him to balance it out, as with Proto Man. How I love thee, my dear, sweet Proto Man 😍

If you’ve read almost any of my reviews here, or on the other Nut Blogs, you know that, in general, I play games for story. I play them for characters. There are times where skill is the primary focus, however, and the classic and Mega Man X series are two of those times, for me. If I found the story of the X series to be compelling—or logical—I would have been ecstatic. However, it’s not, and I find it completely and utterly obtrusive. The text gets longer and longer in each entry and quickly becomes unbearable. As I noted in my X3 review, the power-ups come to be detrimental, as well. It pains me, because this game is fantastic. X2 is acceptably worse, and I honestly kind of like X3, in spite of itself. That’s where the series ends for me. I tried my hand at X4, X5, and X6 and they are not pleasant. In my opinion, both series lost themselves when they jumped to the Playstation.

This game, though, this one has always been near-perfection. Zero’s role is minimal, the story is basic, and it controls like a dream. There are changes in the levels that occur depending on the order in which you take out the Mavericks. You’ll have to revisit some of them to collect the heart container in each (and the game's four sub-tanks), because of these ultimately beneficial changes. Those sub-tanks are innovation of the best kind, because you permanently possess them and you can fill them by collecting energy when you’re at full health. There’s even a level that starts with the perfect grinding spot. It’s not the kind of secret that you can intuit, but Ryu’s Hadouken can be learned and performed when at full health. It instantly KOs everything and I highly recommend using it to painlessly clear the first part of the Sigma fight. I really wish he had settled for simply being a serial villain like Wily. There was no reason he couldn’t have been all, “I got put back together and I’ve got another set of Mavericks, X!”

The elephant in the room is, fittingly, Maverick Hunter X, which I said did the near-impossible and improved this. It did. I stand by that. Numerical scores are a tricky thing and they can paint you into corners. Well, when writing reviews, YOU can paint yourself into a corner. While Maverick Hunter X improves quite a bit, it is a case of ICING. In terms of the original LACKING, I can only bring to mind the second Sigma level, which starts in a very ho-hum way as compared to the remake.

I can’t give this less than what I gave Maverick Hunter X, and I won’t. This is simply a consequence of the nature of the act of writing reviews. And, when you feel inspired to write them. Also, being human. If nothing else, it helps me call attention to a collection post wherein my fellow Nut Blog authors and I detail the pieces of media that we feel are equally worthwhile in multiple incarnations.

Buyer's Guide: Originally an SNES game. It's on the Wii and Wii U Virtual Consoles, and the eShop (but, only if you're using a New 3DS, apparently). Damn your idiotic nomenclature, Nintendo. Your quarter-assed console iterations, too. It's on the SNES Mini, mobile phones, and oddly enough MS-DOS, as well. It's obviously in the Mega Man X Collection, which was on PS2 and GameCube, but is now coming to PS4, Xbox One (Did Nintendo name that one, too?), and the Switch.

4 Bosses Philip Finds Fascinating out of 5

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (1988)

Genre: Action, Platformer, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Konami

This review is an experiment. Or, more precisely, this playthrough was an experiment. It had been decades since I last played Simon’s Quest, in any serious capacity, and I wanted to judge it as objectively as possible. Were the virtually universal problems with the game actually legitimate complaints? I was determined to find out. There were some solutions that I could not remove from my memory, however. In those cases, I set about determining if there was ANY way to intuit those things in the course of normal play, bereft of Nintendo Power and the strategy guide of its era that I had back then. I fully admit that there was an obscene amount of nostalgia in play, but I did my best to not let that determine the score.

No matter the outcome, I knew a singular truth would remain, one that outreaches its success or failure as a playable and enjoyable experience: this is the kind of game that I like. Honestly, it’s the first game I encountered that won me over with its ATMOSPHERE. I do enjoy the original Castlevania and Dracula’s Curse, and I now believe that those are very successful at creating atmosphere in their own right. This is because of my latter-day experiences with Castlevania IV. However, none of those are the type of game that I innately prefer. Simon’s Quest has you visiting towns, exploring the countryside, finding secrets, and collecting a set of special objects. The engine is very similar to the other two games in the franchise that were released on the NES, but the execution is almost wholly different. You aren’t traveling a fixed path. You have to backtrack and explore the world. Your progression is dependent on finding, buying, and trading items; it’s the first step towards Metroidvania! I love the world and I love the mythos. As a kid, I pored over Oriental Trading catalogues to find exactly the right toys to be Dracula’s body parts. As much as a ring can be a body part, at any rate… I still have my two copies of Christopher Howell's Worlds of Power adaptation! I even had the Tiger Electronics handheld.

Right, onto the game itself: Hearts act as currency and seemingly allow you to level up. There's an experience meter, but in my...experience, I've always leveled up when actually collecting a heart. You have three lives but this only really matters when you’re grinding to buy something. I.e., when you’re trying to buy something, park yourself on the closest screen with enemies and BE CAREFUL until you’ve reached your goal and made the purchase. Okay, okay, continuing does affect the ending you'll receive, as well. I'll get to that in time.

Frankly, this does everything right that Zelda II does wrong. Yeah, you're moving back and forth and up and down levels, but the areas look different. They're colored diversely. Different colored woods, different colored skies, different colored towns. There's as much back and forth in the entire game as there is in, I dunno, the first two palaces in Zelda II? That game is out of its mind. I should have scored it lower.

It is similar to that game in that if you're playing on an NES, you'll be placed back in Jova when entering the password you can ask for when you Game Over. They’re a little lengthy (16 characters), but they aren't the worst I've heard of, and Jova is fairly centrally located. If you're playing on the Virtual Console, just exit to the Wii Menu when on the Game Over screen, without resetting. That way, you can pick up exactly where you left off. You don't even have to write down the passwords thanks to this de-facto save state!

Alright, moment of truth: In my opinion, it's not badly translated. It's deliberately cryptic. The manual even says that some of the townspeople are tricksters! I had one problem, and it was the result of a lack of exploration and an assumption naturally made by the human brain given the specific visual stimuli on display. However, that decidedly is NOT the result of mistranslation. I was able to completely fill out the menu and do EVERYTHING, except proceed to the endgame. I acknowledge that not being able to find Castlevania is an intensely significant act with which to have trouble. However, it is nice to see that the greatest challenge was the final one. Someone more clever and thorough than me could easily manage it. I'm just over the moon that it didn't involve the translation or any of the puzzle-solving!

It was partially MY fault, and partially the designers being intimately aware of the intricacies of human perception and thought processes. I think it's a fair and intelligent challenge. You're free to disagree all you want.

You’ll have to play for speed if you want the 'better' endings, but that’s no different than other games on the system (e.g., Metroid). Also, the ending you’re almost assuredly going to get the first time is completely fine! I like it better than the 'middle' ending, to be frank. Also also, this really is obviously all about the journey.

I'm not sorry, guys; this is an ambitious, fully fleshed-out NES game, whose clue-dependent puzzles can be solved with the text as it was presented. If you'd like to see my justifications for the ones that I couldn't forget the solutions to, please check below the cut. More than anything, though, I'd like this to serve as evidence for my belief that, if you're truly interested in something, you should judge it yourself.

Buyer's Guide: Originally an NES game. It seems it was re-done for the PC. I know for a fact that it was on the Wii and Wii U Virtual Consoles. It's also on the NES mini. It is not, however, on the Famicom Mini. They included Final Fantasy III, instead. Not VI, the real III. What were they thinking!?!?! There's a redacted version out there, available on actual carts, but it should be obvious that I don't think you need to bother with that sort of thing.

4 Deliciously Bloody Tears out of 5

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997)

Genre: Platforming, Metroidvania, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo

Symphony of the Night is the quintessential example of a game that largely changed, and then subsequently dictated, the gameplay of its franchise, going forward. While most games of the era were focused on delivering early, pioneering 3D experiences, Castlevania instead dedicated itself to perfecting a sex-tight 2D platforming juggernaut. To my knowledge, this was the birth of the hybrid sub-genre, Metroidvania. Which, is famous for draping the former’s power-up driven exploration in the quaint trappings of everyone’s favorite (non-sparkly) vampire lord.

This incarnation of the castle mostly exists as one large, interconnected experience. The various wings and caverns are united by loading zones perfectly masquerading as short hallways the length of Mega Man boss-corridors. Yes, you will be backtracking through areas multiple times, but you’ll always have new toys and abilities to dispatch the endlessly respawning minions of the night. Many of the weapons have special attacks that can be discovered through simple trial and error. The same is true for the button combinations necessary to elicit the spells already lying dormant in your arsenal. Though, there are scrolls available to teach you the lengthier ones, on your first playthrough. They are exquisitely fitting, given the protagonist’s lineage. SOTN was actually Alucard’s second appearance in the series, debuting as he did in Castlevania III. Thankfully, his movement is infinitely smoother and finessed, here, aided by several, once again, entirely apropos transformations.

All of this is topped off by what is objectively the largest easter egg a game could deliver without wearing out its welcome. At this point in my life, I could admit that it can indeed sometimes test my patience. But, I’ve thought about it, and I feel like that would be roasting a sacred cow, just for the sake of it. Simon’s Quest always leaves me wanting more, upon finishing a run, but SOTN is like Thanksgiving dinner: you’re going to feel bloated, but by next year, you’re going to be itching to do it all over again.

I suppose the elephant in the room is the spoken dialogue. Some have blasphemously described it as hokey! It’s found throughout, but especially at the outset. I find it entirely iconic, and I absolutely refuse to play any of the versions that have done away with it. It’s one of the absolute best parts of the experience, and I promise you that if you like the genre, setting, and themes at play, you will love SOTN. You will.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally on the Playstation 1. The Saturn port allows you to play as, and fight, Maria. It also provides a handful of gameplay extras and two additional areas to explore. It’s known as Dracula X: Nocturne in the Moonlight. The standard version is available as an unlockable extra in The Dracula X Chronicles on PSP. The version on Xbox live is said to remove much of the lag natively present in the game. However, it does away with the best video game song ever. I’ve got the PSN version installed on both my PS3 and PSP, and I’ve never noticed anything different from my PSX original. I.e., I absolutely recommend that release.

I have to imagine that the later ports are the ones that changed the voice acting. Look elsewhere for information on those. I will not be party to such treachery.


5 Miserable Little Piles of Secrets out of 5

Pokémon Moon (2016)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1-4 | Developer: Game Freak

"It is only when the balance of old and new is just right that you can create something original."

Are you listening, Toei? Unlike the demo, which skewed heavily towards Gen 1 (probably for the sake of players returning via Pokémon Go -_-), Moon actually abides by this mantra, to the letter. I’d argue that the mix is about 90:10, in favor of entirely new content. Instead of challenging gyms, you’re tasked with completing various trials. These activities vary and increase in creativity and appropriateness as the game progresses. Don’t get annoyed if the first one feels disappointing, like it did to me. After every trial on a given island is complete, you’ll face off with its kahuna, in the standard manner. In both instances, you’ll be awarded with their associated Z-Crystals, which allow your pokes to use Z-moves. If one of your pokes has a move of the matching type, they can equip the crystal and perform a corresponding special move, once per battle. Just as Mega Evolution grants a power-up form, a Z-move is essentially a hissatsu. Yes, one of the event pokémon IS an homage to Kamen Rider Ichigo and his unique Z-move is a Rider Kick!!! Many status moves can also be utilized as such for status related effects.

I’m not entirely sure how some folks flew through the game as fast as they did, given that the main storyline took me just over 140 hours to complete. I admit some of that time was a result of stopping to train up new pokes. I wanted to try out a good number of them! I’ll tell you right now, at the end of the series (Lockstin REPRESENT), I have found my preferred set of starters. That’s so fitting for me! A large chunk of the Alola dex is absolutely stellar. I even like most of the Alolan forms for Kanto pokémon. I only briefly used a Grimer, but that’s because I wanted to mostly use new pokes for my first run. I even used the GTS to get one that’s only available via an Island Scan. You can scan QR codes and build up to being able to encounter some that aren’t normally available in the wild, by default. This includes the Johto starters and the pre-evolution of my beloved Roserade.

Though, while I'll be able to bring my Mawile from Y over, it cannot arrive holding its Mega Stone, which is also completely absent from Alola. I’m made to suffer for the sake of keeping things balanced for competitive players. That’s bullshit. I came to like Mega Evolution once I had conceptualized it as a power-up form. I.e., it's fine that it's temporary.

There are some ½ health mechanics in play for a handful of new and “returning” pokes and while I feel they ruin the Wimpod line and Wishiwashi, I quite like it when it comes to Zygarde. This is because it works in reverse. After you find all 100 of his cells and cores, via a classic squee-worthy collection quest, he can assume his Complete Forme when he reaches ½ health, whereas the others escape and become useless, respectively. Plus, you can Dragon Dance every turn while you’re waiting to be whittled down. Also also, your HP is restored at the end of the battle. I adore Zygarde. Can you tell?

If you’re planning on using a Grubbin or a Crabrawler, know that they cannot fully evolve until almost the end of the game. This is different than not being able to get a poke at all until then, and the payoff WAS worth bringing a Charjabug with me across four islands.

Other new features include Poké Pelago, which mainly allows you to collect evolution stones and poké beans, which replace the puffs in X and Y. The mini-games of Amié were removed to streamline Pokémon Refresh, which now takes place in front of a background matching where you currently are, making it feel much more organic. You can also take pictures at designated spots if you’re a fan of Pokémon Snap. Poké Ride is a new system to replace HMs. While I am proud to be a distributor and love how that makes all of my pokes feel even more special, I have to admit that this was done exceedingly well. It maintains the spirit of everyone having a role to play in our exploration and progression, because the instantly summoned Ride pokémon feel like my own. The choices are incredibly sound and I already had characters associated with the vast majority of them. Because of Ride, I have a team of 13. Yes, 13. 

I want to mention that you should purchase a large number of pokéballs before doing the last thing in the story, and have a non-damaging status move on one member of your team. Trust me on this. As a final mechanics note, know that when pokémon feel they are in danger, they can call in reinforcements and this is helpful for leveling, getting pokes not otherwise available, and shiny hunting, as the chances increase as the chain does. It also makes it so you can get pokes with maxed IVs, but forget that sort of thing. Focus on the story!

It’s fantastic, on the whole, and several aspects just make MUCH more sense in Moon as compared to Sun. Development is intensely poured into one character in particular and I’m so sincerely fine with that. I adore her! Cause and effect, yo~ As with Y, my privilege as the playable character makes me feel like a douche, but unlike the previous generation, this one allows for a very concrete head-canon via the last image in the credits. 

One that makes everything perfect.

5 Chances to Go Out on the Highest of Notes out of 5

The Last Guardian (2016)

Genre: Adventure / Puzzle / 3D Platformer  |  Players: 1  |  Developers: Team Ico / genDESIGN / SIE Japan Studio

The many delays and behind the scenes troubles that plagued the game's development are well-documented elsewhere, so I'll skip all of that. My stance can be summed up with a familiar phrase, 'better late than never'. And in a strange way the delay makes TLG more special to me, because it delivers the kind of one-player PS2-era experience that is becoming rare in titles on modern consoles.

But, subjective silver lining aside, there's a drawback to deal with. While not much of a problem at the beginning, what's required of you as you progress deeper into the game causes the camera mechanic to feel outdated. Because it has to acknowledge both the boy and the giant cat-bird-dog creature (named Trico) featured on the cover art, it can favour one when you need it to favour the other. It moves freely with the right stick, but in cramped spaces its functionality takes a hit, leading to frustration, and the game features quite a lot of such places.

Trico feels more alive and has more personality than any collection of pixels should conceivably have. Equal parts ferocious and timid, Trico is a genuine wonder, and it only takes about twenty minutes of play to become completely attached to its presence. The creature has its own mind, it's not an empty-headed steed, so when you want it to go someplace you'll have to encourage it, which often means assessing its mood and influencing it accordingly. If it's hungry, feed it; if it's frightened, soothe it, etc. Judge well and you'll have smoother sailing.

If you enjoyed Ueda's previous games, namely ICO (2001) and Shadow of the Colossus (2005), then the chances are good that you'll enjoy TLG, too. The world has the same kind of ancient, historically rich beauty as its predecessors; the same kind of forward progression and puzzle solving as ICO; and the necessary interdependence of the two main characters is once again where the heart of the story resides. You play as the young boy, but if you're an animal lover in real life then the winged Trico is likely where the majority of your sympathies will lie.

The many set pieces that punctuate the emotional journey are heart in throat experiences that I'll remember and no doubt relive for years to come. Takeshi Furukawa's music often heightens them, periodically adding mysterious, exotic, sympathetic and dramatic tones that help bring what's important to the surface.

4 nutritious barrels out of 5

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D (2015)

Genre: Action, Adventure | Players: 1 | Developers: Grezzo, Nintendo EAD Tokyo

As with the 3DS remake of Ocarina, this revamp of Majora’s Mask successfully addresses every issue I had with the original. They were laser-precise in fixing the things that irked me the most, and even if I feel that those things were overcome-able by patient, smart players, I have to admit that there is an incredible sense of legitimacy to the changes herein. There is no similar great crime to rival the hand-holding present in Ocarina 3D’s trade quest.

The two largest alterations have a gigantic impact on how convenient it is to do a 100% playthrough. Owl statues now grant permanent saves, instead of temporary ‘memo’ saves. Resetting the time, however, no longer elicits one. I.e., get into the new habit of resetting, playing the Inverse Song of Time and running around the clock tower to the owl statue, now centrally located along with the bank. Having legitimate saves in the middle of cycles makes once trying things, like completing Anju & Kafei’s quest, completely tolerable.

The other significant innovation is that the Song of Double Time now allows you to pick the exact hour to which you’d like to travel within a given day. Picking a time in the next day will require a second rendition, but it’s still a huge boon in comparison.

While many other small refinements were made, sometimes the original tail-end dialogue for events will remain, resulting in a nice sense of preservation, but also a tiny loss of overall semantic logic. Further, relocating two of the masks may seem infuriating (especially given what one of them is), but this does result in a stronger story for an involved NPC.

The four boss fights are updated, unequivocally, for the better. They are more involved and cinematic. In order to maneuver underwater like an Arwing, Mikau now requires magic. Fear not, you can still dash and dolphin leap just fine without any, but if you want to have unfettered fun, I absolutely recommend going to grab a bottle of Chateau Romani before taking a swim.

There are only two problems. One is a bonus feature, so I’m not inclined to hold it against this release: While it makes all the sense in the world to finally bring the one truly missing feature of 3D Zelda games to MM3D, the fishing is simply a complete disappointment. The IDEA of wearing certain masks to catch analogous fish is incredibly sound! Having to basically catch every fish in the lake to spawn “boss” fish, however, is tedium and there is no reward, at all. When I say reward, I mean a log, a menu to fill up stating which fish I’ve caught. That’s ALL I ask for when it comes to fishing in Zelda, and I’d imagine that’s true for most fans. Here, as far as I can tell, you catch them, (sometimes) hear a comment from the fishing hole attendant, and release them with no record whatsoever that you caught them in the first place. If I’m wrong, please correct me.

The other issue could be serious, depending on individual circumstances: There were two instances where I became caught up on the geometry in Termina Field. I was able to free myself both times by changing forms. I realize that you cannot go outside prior to gaining control over the Deku Mask, but that could easily occur in Clock Town, if you’re trying to be adventurous with your jumping the same way I was when I had trouble outside.

I absolutely recommend this over the original versions, but please be careful on your first cycle! That said, I don’t think I've ever made it entirely clear how much I adore this interactive piece of fiction. Majora's Mask 3D makes this dense, rich experience magnitudes more playable. It is an utter joy to execute actions in this game once you understand how to play it. Resonant emotional colors bleed from it profusely. Cherish it, if it speaks to you even a fraction as much as it does to me.

4½ Inexcusable Instances of Deku Scrub Racism out of 5

I do not have binocular fusion and are thus incapable of experiencing 3D. 

Don't ask me how it looks here, or in any other 3DS game.

Back to the Future: The Game (2010)

Genre: Graphic adventure  |  Players: 1  |  Developer: Telltale Games

If you're not already familiar with Telltale's brand of graphic adventure, I'll attempt to explain in one paragraph: TT are storytellers. The story is the main event. Because of that, calling it a game is being descriptively generous. The visuals are stuck in the PS2 era. The animations are clunky. The interface is as simplistic as they come, with the player required to interact with people or objects and walk from place to place to find them. Conversations have multiple possible responses, but quite often it doesn't matter which one you choose or in which order because the response will be the same. You don't buy a TT title just for gameplay - you buy it for story because TT know how to deliver in that dept.

It begins on May 14th 1986. Hill Valley. The events in the films are the past. Doc Brown is missing. Marty is with Biff and George, and he's worried. Things seem bad, but they're about to get a lot worse and it'll be your job as Marty to fix them.

The time-hopping shenanigans that follow reference the entire film trilogy but take cues mostly from the structure of Part II (1989). If you know and love the films then you'll spot a HUGE amount of additional detail. The people at TT must really be fans of the franchise. They captured the enduring spirit of the series perfectly.

Not all voices are provided by the original actors, but they sound like they are; the effort made to match them exactly really paid off, with the discernible nuances of each actor's dialogue being present and largely correct. Ironically, some of the original cast sound less like their 1986-selves than the replacements do!

The adventure is split into five episodes, each individually priced, but if you buy the Complete Pack digitally or the retail edition (on an actual disc) then you'll have them all. Play them in the correct order to properly finish the tale.

It gets more and more self-referential each time. Ep III is very talky but also funny, clever and with a high level of satire. The puzzle solving is fun but can quickly slip into being frustrating. Deductive reasoning alone isn't always enough to get you though, so be prepared for much trial and error and seeing multiple times animations that can't be skipped. Nevertheless, it's worth the inconvenience.

3 scientific predilections out of 5

Silent Hill 2 Expanded Editions (2001-03)

Genre: Survival-Horror / Action | Players: 1 | Developer: Konami

Maria’s sub-scenario was never released individually. However, I’m going to argue that because of it, the variously titled augmented release of Silent Hill 2 is significantly different from the original and is therefore worth addressing in detail, in the service of aiding potential or subsequent purchases. 

Right off the bat, I have seen this expanded version of the game advertised as containing new weapons. While undeniably factual, it sadly exists as a marketing machination and nothing more. They’re weapons for Maria, not for James, and they are simply variations of standard ones found in the main game, and the series at large. Put no weight into this bullet point.

The new endings are of course Maria’s and the UFO ending. It’s retroactively hard for me to believe that they initially left that out, but they did. If you’re the sort to shoot for the 10 star ranking, it’s a bit easier to do on the vanilla release as you don’t have to spend time doing a UFO run. One less available ending is one less ending to achieve. Maria’s is done well and cannot be divorced from her journey, hence it is a legitimate selling point.

That journey is the crux of the entire issue. Do I think her scenario is worth purchasing the enhanced edition of the game over? I personally feel it IS a worthwhile use of one’s time. However, I am very aware that I am a diehard fan of the game and consequently biased. It exists as part of Silent Hill 2 and gels with themes of the franchise and specifics of the game proper, so of course I would feel that it’s indispensable. To someone new to the game, I would objectively say: if you can find a version of it containing the extras for up to ~$5 USD more than the standard release, grab it to avoid having to double-dip, should you end up loving the experience. If you have the original and adore it, go ahead and double up. I cannot see a big fan of it being disappointed.

 

Oh Neg, you bittersweet summer child. You had no idea what the world (and corporate entities) would do. When you're done laughing at me, reader, click here.

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s short. Incredibly so. However, the atmosphere is unique in the scope of the series and it’s even given nods in other entries. All of the following are the complete version of the game containing the additions covered herein:

Silent Hill 2 for Windows

Silent Hill 2: Inner Fears for Xbox (Europe)

Silent Hill 2: Director’s Cut for PS2 (Europe)
Silent Hill 2: Saigo no Uta for PS2 & Xbox (Japan)*

Silent Hill 2: Restless Dreams for Xbox (North America)
Silent Hill 2 Greatest Hits release for PS2 (North America)**

Silent Hill HD Collec.....DON’T. YOU. EVEN. THINK. ABOUT. IT.

3½ NOPE Moments Actually Not Elicited By A Radio out of 5

This score is obviously for Born From A Wish and the UFO Ending

*Listed solely for completion's sake. DO. NOT. expect to be able to play this on a NA or PAL console, or it to be entirely in English.
**Be sure the disc is shown in listings before purchasing. I've seen listings on ebay that are the Greatest Hits case and the black-label disc. Make sure the disc has the red coloring beneath the PS2 branding. If it's the GH disc and the original case, however, I'd say snap it up. Best of both worlds!

Soundless Mountain II (2008)

Genre: Survival-Horror | Players: 1 | Developer: Superflat Games

Seeing the above picture in a Google image search may lead someone to believe that it's simply a kitschy bit of fanart. As awesome as it would still be if it were indeed nothing more than that, this is actually the artwork for a genuine computer game! It sadly does not come close to encompassing the entirety of the source material's journey, but it is a loving 8bit-esque homage to it. The text predictably skirts just to the right of the actual dialogue and the pathfinding is simplified to a notable degree. The combat is best avoided when possible, but it doesn't really distract from your limited exploring to have to dodge things on the 2D plane utilized here. There's one screen I guarantee you'll be capping, even if you never return to this the way I do from time to time.

I'm happy to tip my hat to Jasper Byrne, Phil Duncan, The Mysterious Lorc, and C418 for all the work they did to make this a reality. It's incredibly quaint, but its heart is unquestionably in the right (special) place. Further details and download links can be found on Jasper Byrne's page, Superflat Games.

3½ Tiny, Yet Incredibly Inviting Parking Lots out of 5

Final Fantasy XII (2006)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square Enix

XII will always have a place in my memories for being the thing that led me to the circle of friends I’ve cherished for, what will soon be, the past decade. As a game, however, it is a monumental failure. There's very little in the way of things to grab someone both at the outset and in the long run. You're presented with sweeping fields of people as faceless crowds and then faceless combatants. The combat and many of the environments are competently rendered but are boring and un-engaging. Also, what manner of sadistic developer sets the X-Axis to be inverted and doesn't allow it to be changed?!?! You’re provided with a rudimentary programming language by which to indirectly command your party members and while you’ll be quick to tell me that this isn’t dissimilar to XIII, I will tell you right now that you CANNOT make XIII play itself the way you can with XII.

Further, the characters in XIII are engrossing and they do what they do out of love, which is individualistic and easy to get behind, unlike the political drone of XII’s plot. Sazh and Vanille serve as an everyman and obligatory cute girl, sure, but as the game progresses they are given compelling and critical story relevance unlike the whingy Vaan and non-existent Penelo. Because of the structure of XIII and its post-game content, you cannot faff around long enough to lose the thread of the plot. You can work on XII’s side-content, which adds virtually nothing to the story, for literal days on end, losing it entirely for insanely massive periods of time. It’s all tick-the-box fare and hunts that don’t have the emotional pull of XIII’s, which demonstrate how the fate of a L’Cie destroys all manner of human relationships. XII also sets up requirements you’re sure to fail at, nearly instantly, damning you to a second playthrough, endless resets, or direct RNG manipulation. None of which are fair to players and simply force your hand in buying a guide or gluing your eyes to GameFAQs. The things you can reattempt, like spawning rare game and chaining enemies for drops, are usually incredibly esoteric and convoluted, especially as those two are not always mutually exclusive.

It feels like they designed a single-player MMO and that’s simply a contradiction of terms. This sort of content needs to be made bearable by the banter of your friends and done over the course of years, for hours at a time, when you’re all available. There really is something genuinely pathological to me about tackling the depth of it alone, in isolation.

For me, XII fails in every way that XIII succeeds. The characters and political nonsense are (almost entirely) flat and uninteresting. The side-quests outweigh the main story by many magnitudes. There’s no legitimate emotional resonance in it for me, or between most of the characters. A slight hint at something in the ending cinematic is far from enough. There's virtually no humanity on display, whatsoever. The focus of this entry is one that does not gel with me, even though I did put in multiple hundreds of hours, during a different era of my life. The only purpose it ever served was to kill time, which has not been enough for me, for quite a while now. Perhaps it was the beginnings of me expecting more, out of gaming, out of fiction, and out of life.

1 Stirring Statement in the Entire Bloody Thing out of 5

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (2011)

Genre: Action, Adventure | Players: 1 | Developers: Grezzo, Nintendo EAD Tokyo

To get it out of the way, I’m ecstatic to say that the two small issues I mentioned in my nut of the original game have been resoundingly rectified! It’ll be easiest to tackle everything new in a bullet-point fashion, so let’s go:

*Indicators on the world map tell you when you’ve cleaned out all of the Gold Skulltulas in each area.

*The ocarina is now appropriately afforded its own touch-screen button and you’re allowed to view the songs as you play them assuming you aren’t the type to obsessively memorize such things. In fact, the HUD for the ocarina on the bottom screen makes it far easier to see the patterns making up each song as you play them, thus making them easier to memorize than ever before! Yes, I do miss seeing the N64 buttons, but it wouldn’t make sense. I’ll just buy a Song of Storms shirt.

*The same soundbites are used, for good and ill. Don’t front, you’d be upset if Navi was changed.

*In terms of graphics, some things look astoundingly identical. Specifically, certain character models. Most things, however, are utterly gorgeous. A lot of love was put into the fishing hole, especially!

*One heart piece and several of the Big Poes were a bit glitchy, but because of the nature of Zelda I was able to simply vacate the area and try again.

*Both pairs of special boots are now classified as items, making equipping and removing them a lightning-fast process.

*This version does skew towards new players with some Sheikah stones giving advice without having to wear the Mask of Truth.

*The locations where you can change the water level in the Water Temple are now color-coded to denote which door leads to each and are emblazoned with washing machine-esque diagrams.

*I don’t mind the above addition because labeling tools doesn’t negate the work the player has to do. Those nails aren’t hammering themselves. Conversely, I am very annoyed that the trade quest is now mapped out step by step. The world is not large enough, at least in terms of NPCs, to justify this.

* You can hold L1 to center the camera and use the gyroscope to peer around w/o having to use the look button. It’s usually exactly as much as you need to get a glimpse above you. Incredibly useful!

*You can sleep in your bed and retry bosses from there, “in the realm of dreams.”

*A version of the Master Quest is included, which unlocks upon completing the regular quest. Please look elsewhere for detailed coverage. Perhaps here, in the future.

In the current gaming climate, I’m willing to spot a company as meticulous as Nintendo two glitches that were not damning in any way. Further, as annoyed as I am with them for hand-holding new players during the most iconic side-quest, I cannot deny that this is the definitive version of this game and that it deserves a full,

5 Parties Worth Forgiving A Plot Hole For out of 5

I do not have binocular fusion and are thus incapable of experiencing 3D. 

Don't ask me how it looks here, or in any other 3DS game.

MotU: He-Man: Defender of Grayskull (2005)

Genre: Action / Adventure  |  Players: 1  |  Developer: Savage Entertainment

The objective of the game, if I'm not mistaken, is to advance through poorly designed and repetitive levels battling bland enemies, employing badly animated sword strikes to end their miserable existence. You'll use a roll manoeuvre during combat in an attempt to add variety, but it's not necessary and you'll soon grow tired of even that. You'll discover that it's quicker to simply lock onto them with L2 (if you're lucky) and hack and slash until they become a crumpled heap.

He-Man can also jump, which comes in handy for cocking-up the awful platform sections. At those times, collision detection in hinted at but largely absent.

He-Man's muscular physique is referenced often, in the piss-poor animation and in having each step he takes be accompanied by monotonous heavy footfalls that drill deeper and deeper into the player's brain with each laboured step.

You'll be required to hit switches and then wonder if they even registered, collect keys that are approximately half as big as you are, and reset your game often because of getting stuck in parts of levels that are easy to get into but impossible to exit from. On the plus side, you don't actually have to carry the keys once you find them, because he has a magic gaming pouch in his furry pants.

If you endure, like a real hero would, you're rewarded (compensated?) with special moves that do more damage but take an age to enact. I'm genuinely not sure if they were purposefully slow-mo or if the frame rate actually shit itself.

The Eternian hero is voiced by Cam Clarke, who also played him in the short-lived but fantastic Masters of the Universe reboot in 2002. That series was never released outside of R1 territories, whereas this game was only released in Europe. MotU fans from R2 got shafted in the first instance, but MotU fans from countries other than Europe should consider the second instance an act of mercy.

My time with He-Man: DoG ended when I rose from sitting, walked purposefully to the console and said aloud, "Get the fuck out of my machine!"

1 drawbridge out of 5