Final Fantasy — 20th Anniversary Edition (2007)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Tose

The first game in this (what came to be) ironically titled series is without question the most basic console RPG experience I’ve ever encountered. Yes, I do believe Mystic Quest is more complex than this is, in any of its iterations. Explore, talk to townsfolk, buy items, exchange items, fight baddies, and grind. That’s it. It’s quaint, almost painfully so.

You’re free to make a party of four, from six classes (Warrior, Thief, Monk, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) and name them after you and your friends or other characters (oh hai Vivi~). The grinding could be considered severe depending on your history and personal tolerances, but it is structured to match the regimented story, at the very least. Gain ten levels to be comfortable in the introductory dungeon and ten more for each subsequent. Level 60 is where you’ll want to be for a winnable final encounter that will still elicit slight fears of failure.

In the original NES release, a pointedly dated/annoying mechanic was the system’s inability to automatically switch your aim to another enemy if the one you originally targeted was defeated by another party member. It’s been fixed in every other version, but it’s not a ‘smart’ system and you’ll still want to be careful about your assignments as you’ll often find your warrior suddenly attacking a smaller enemy that your mages could have taken out either alone, or in tandem, to save you a round of combat.

That’s another thinly veiled tip. Bring more than one mage if you aren’t doing a challenge run, of which there are MANY flavors. Of course, I have to admit that outside of those popular challenges and nostalgia for its own sake, there is NO reason to play this game, today. If you want to experience a standard, classic Final Fantasy, play IV or VI.

This version contains all of the bonus dungeons from the GBA version as well as an exclusive that utilizes a mechanic similar to VIII’s endgame. You’ll be repeatedly handicapping yourself in order to progress. For me, getting extra gear and fighting bosses from the later games is silly, but it’s extra content if you want it.

If you have a PSP and are absolutely sure you want to play it, this IS the version I recommend. All PSP owners need more games and it’s bright, crisp, colorful, and in widescreen here. Win.

Buyer’s Guide: Here we go. /takes deep breath: NES, MSX2 (what?), WonderSwan Color, Playstation (as part of FF Origins, in the west), GBA (as part of Dawn of Souls with II—fuck you II, die in a hole), iOS, PSP, Windows Phone, Android, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console, 3DS eshop, and the NES mini.

 

The Pixel Remasters look like ass trash, to me. I said it.

3 Parts of Neg Still Love To Name Nameless Characters out of 5

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1988)

Genre: Action, Adventure, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo R&D4

I respect franchises that are brave enough to change much of their formula, especially early on. Accordingly, Zelda II’s change to a side-scrolling POV for interiors, random enemy encounters, and hidden overworld areas is not something I classify as a problem. It’s a decision; one that I have no qualms with, in a vacuum. The same is true for the brutal difficulty. There are magic drops in carefully doled out supply that will make progression exceedingly possible, if not delectably care-free.

There are RPG elements in play and while you are welcome to grind your heart out there are measures in place to facilitate a relatively swift adventure. You’ll be given a free level-up for completing each temple. If you use the experience-heavy enemies inside them to level just prior to placing the jewel at the end, you’ll be able to make the most out of this boon.

Regardless of my tolerance for these changes, there is a major problem: those very temples. Much like the original Metroid, there is a sameness to each area. Colors change from place to place, but within each temple it’s the same, from the floors to the walls to the bots drop from….the ceilings…The dungeons in the first game are equally guilty, but being presented top-down with a map system forewent the left-right, up-down experimentation necessary to complete these temples. “I went left last time, but I didn’t go up and then right at that elevator I found when I did, right?” is a conversation no one should have to have with themselves. EVER.

As tedious as one of the main focuses of the series is here, there are a few positives: Ocarina’s sages find their origin in the town names of this version of Hyrule. It’s Error and Bagu’s 'hood, yo. Yet most importantly, to me, is the music. There’s something about the tone that makes it haunting, perched on the precipice of madness. I love it. It should also be noted that a New Game+ exists that allows you to keep your levels and spells.

I can’t in good conscience implore anyone to play this in any serious capacity. If someone you know has it, give it a few minutes. Completing the first temple gives a representative enough feel of the experience.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally an NES game, it’s been ported to the GameCube (on the Zelda Collector’s Edition), the GBA, and every version of the Virtual Console currently in existence. It has also been included on the NES mini.

2 Sides of Yourself Enter, One Leaves out of 5

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (2000)

Genre: Action, Adventure | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo EAD

As with Zelda II before, Nintendo saw fit to make their second N64 console entry radically different from its predecessor. Virtually all of Ocarina’s assets are present, but they are turned on their head to create as new an experience as this franchise has ever mustered. Most importantly, the characters—and some NPCs who were originally not much more than character models—are given entirely new roles. It is the exact methodology exhibited in Stephen King’s Desperation and The Regulators (1996, both), with equally effective results.

Young Link is put in a position where he has the option to help as few or as many of these unfortunate souls as you deem fit. Gameplay revolves around a three day cycle that can be reset at will once the Song of Time is recalled. Link gets to keep the items, heart pieces and masks that he earns in each cycle, but the characters' memories and all events reset along with the time. This leads to repetition, but it is thought-driven, unlike the mindless variety I personally find to be in Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon. To further aid in this, people’s schedules are automatically recorded in a notebook the moment they open up to you with their problems.

The above mentioned masks have grown from a side-quest in Ocarina to being the main focus here. A few are transformative in nature, granting new powers. Others function in more limited ways or aid entry into the four dungeons, the process of which is now, also puzzle-driven in nature.

Frankly, there are aspects of MM that made my soul sing and others that I absolutely fucking loathed. I had problems solving certain things on my own, but when I retroactively looked at each case, I had to admit that the game indeed provided the means to resolve those issues. At a different time in my life, I probably would have been more patient and capable of doing everything independently.

In the end, this is the kind of game that teaches you things about yourself and life in general, if you’re willing to listen: when to ask for and provide help, when to accept things, and when things just have to be let go. I can’t claim to prefer it to Ocarina, though I can absolutely respect those who do because they are as equal as they are unique from one another.

Buyer’s Guide: It is of utmost importance to know that if you want the original 64 cart you’ll also need to procure an expansion pack as it is one of the few games that require it. It’s also available in the LoZ Collector’s Edition on the Game Cube and on the virtual console. The 3DS remake will be available the month of this writing (February 2015).

4½ Distraught Goatse Shields out of 5

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (2001)

Genre: Sport  |  Players: 1-2  / Up to 4 online (PS2 only)  |  Developer: Neversoft

THPS 1 and 2 were both fun games but in truth they weren't quite as sophisticated as some of us would've liked. Sometimes even the simplest thing was more difficult than it ought to have been, and the frame rate was inconsistent on the larger levels. On the surface THPS 3 doesn't do much radically different from its predecessors, but to play it is to discover that Neversoft successfully honed the formula to perfection; everything, that is, except the tricky frame rate.

The new revert manoeuvre effectively balances gameplay for people who prefer ramps to street, enabling combos to be continued while tricking on vert. Do it successfully and you can even ease into a manual, hop off the vert and transition to the nearest street obstacle or rail for the best of both worlds with your score multiplier unbroken. Keep the balance meter from tipping over and you can chalk up massive scores. (Combine with Gaps for more impressive numbers.)

The character customisation isn't extensive but nor is it lacking too much. Hats, hairstyles, glasses, tees, etc, can be unlocked and worn. The same applies to hardware, new decks, wheels, etc. None of it makes a damn bit of difference to how your skater performs, but it’s a nice touch, nonetheless.

Once you've chosen your preferred style it’s onto career mode with your custom skater. There are only eight levels, which doesn't sound very much, but there are multiple goals to achieve within each one. If you only achieve one goal per run, save it and try for something else on subsequent runs; they carry over so you don't need to do them all in one try. It’s the usual TH procedure.

There’s incentive to replay each level with the Pros, provided you enjoy watching unlockable skate videos. If you’re playing a skating game then you’re probably going to enjoy skate videos. Rodney Mullen’s is mind-blowing. I strongly suspect he’s an actual wizard, unbearded and in disguise.

Perhaps the most enduring aspect for me personally is that I can no longer hear Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ without thinking of the game’s opening credits. The two things are forever wedded in my mind.

5 crucial stat points out of 5

Note: originally on PS1 (developed by Shaba Games and a lot less technically advanced), PS2, GameCube and GBC, it was ported to other formats by various devs: N64 (Edge of Reality); PC + Mac (Gearbox Software); GBA (Vicarious Visions). Obviously the GBC and GBA versions will be radically different than even the PS1 version, but I should also mention that while the GC version looks prettier than the PS2 it has major problems in other areas. In short, consider anything written above this Note to apply ONLY to PS2, PC and Xbox.

Donkey Kong Country (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Rare

While DK was launched into the star-studded realm of playable characters with this sub-franchise….it didn’t last very long. His little buddy Diddy stole the spotlight almost instantaneously. That Rare saw it fit to cave to ease of use and genericism as soon as the first sequel is ridiculously disappointing. Donkey Kong himself is quite unique in his platforming because of his immense weight. You have to play smarter and more carefully to compensate for his decreased jumping ability and sluggishness. Diddy does have a weakness (bigger enemies will bounce him backwards while taking no damage) but he can still take them out assuming he has the room necessary to roll into them.

Having since played DKC Returns, this game is far easier and less ambitious in terms of secrets and level design than I remembered, but that’s to be expected given that it’s the first game in the series and an SNES release from 1994. It isn’t fair of me to make this comparison outside of stating my preference for the rebooted franchise, I acknowledge. In a vacuum, OG DKC is a fairly difficult endeavor, but for whatever reason I’ve always had near-infinite patience for it. It may simply be because it never feels particularly cheap. If you screw up it’s because you don’t know what’s coming (alternately, don’t remember) or you simply haven’t played it enough. It’s challenging and it’s on you to step up.

That said, you will have to rest your entire enjoyment on the development of that skill if you aren’t the type who is willing to check video walkthroughs to locate some of the bonus rooms that count towards your completion total. The vast majority can be found with eagle eyes and a knowledge of what types of walls are usually breakable, but a few are impossible to find without help or some incredibly serendipitous screw ups. You can achieve 101% and the game IS nice enough to indicate on the map screen when you’ve found all of the bonus rooms in a given level. As far as I can tell the only reward is a slight change to Cranky’s dialogue. Lame.

It may show signs of age and use too many boss re-colors (i.e., any at all), but if you’re visiting for the right reasons this is more than smooth enough to still warrant your time in 2015.

Buyer’s Guide: It was originally on SNES, but it’s since been ported to the GBA and the SNES mini. It WAS on the Virtual Console, but apparently Nintendo (or some legal remnant of Rare) doesn’t like to make free money. You know what to dooooo~

3½ Friendly Acts of Violence out of 5

Mega Man (1987)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

What are we looking at up there? Bloody hell. Look to the Japanese box art if you want something accurate. Look somewhere else entirely if you want a cushy, enjoyable time with this series. That’s harsh, but it’s true. That isn’t to say that this isn’t worth playing. For a sense of history and perspective, I think anyone who has enjoyed a classic Mega Man game should give this a shot. It’s weird saying this seven nuts in, but this is a platforming series with a heavy emphasis on ranged combat, characterized by a multitude of projectile types derived from the powers of a set of enemy bosses. You can tackle their stages and steal these rock/paper/scissors-esque powers in any order you choose before heading to the final levels comprising Dr. Wily’s fortress.

Dr. Wily is a serial villain with a fetish for Guts Man (one of the bosses debuting here) and eyebrow wiggling. There’s no story beyond a modicum of rudimentary exposition, in the manual. Good. Mega Man isn’t War and Peace.

Why is this so ball-bustingly difficult? Well, movement is stiff and it randomly seems like there’s ice physics in play EVERYWHERE, not just Ice Man’s stage. There are no E-tanks. When you fight a boss, you’ve got one life bar and that’s assuming you show up with full health to begin with. There’s a swift, movement puzzle of a beast that most people can only take down using a glitch. Oh, and you have to re-fight the bosses. That’s not strange, though. That’s both a general Capcom and a Mega Man specific tradition. No, the rub is you have to fight four of them in a row with no health items immediately before the two-part battle with Wily.

Hey, guess what? Their projectiles don’t disappear and you can die because of this AFTER THEY’RE DEAD.

You can’t fudge this game with E-tanks and be awarded a victory and gooey feelings that’ll encourage you to get better, more elegant, over time. In this game, and the first sequel, you have to get better NOW. You stay in the trenches and do it OVER and OVER and OVER until you throw your controller just to pick it back up again, like a machine.

Play it. You don’t need to beat it, you don’t even have to enjoy it. Knowing the pain is something I think is beneficial, though. History and perspective.

Buyer’s Guide: NES game. Mega Man Anniversary and Legacy Collections (PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GC, 3DS, Switch). Virtual Console. PSN. Cell phones. The usual.

2 Victories of My Own Choosing out of 5

Front Mission 4 (2004)

Genre: Turn-based Strategy | Players: 1 | Developer: Square Enix Product Development Division 6

An assault is undertaken on a series of German military bases by an unknown and powerful wanzer force that all but cripples the German military's capabilities. As quickly as they appeared, they disappear into the night. The collective European allied nations known as the European Community (E.C.) send in the Durandal, a team of pilots and researchers specializing in wanzer combat including new recruit and protagonist Elsa Elaine, to help with the investigation and uncover who is behind the attack. Meanwhile, a half a world away, Venezuela declares independence from the United Continental States (U.C.S.) and is now embroiled in a conflict between UCS troops and the state army forces. 2nd protagonist UCS sergeant Darril Traubel and his 3-man wanzer squad are slacking off on their rear guard duties as usual when a state army plane is shot down and they are the first to the crash. The plane's only cargo is a crate filled with gold; the funds embezzled by the corrupt Venezuelan governor from the people. Darril and the squad, unhappy with their career trajectories decide to steal the gold, go AWOL and make plans to abscond with the cash out of the country which proves much more difficult than expected.

Gameplay takes place on some rather large battlefields with possibly daunting tactical depth. There are many stats to be aware of for both the pilots and the wanzers and also how they interact with each other. There are prebuilt wanzer models for players who don't get off on all that number crunching, but deep customization is the only way to get the most out of your units. There are AP points that dictate how many actions a pilot can take in a turn, EP that can be spent to learn skills and boost stats and Link points that can be assigned to friendly pilots so they can act in tandem providing they have enough AP and are in range.

Weapons are in 1 of 3 categories of Melee, Ranged and Long Range. Melee weapons only hit once and can only be used adjacent to an enemy, but only cost 1 AP. Ranged weapons cost more AP to use and are limited by ammo and accuracy, but hit multiple wanzer parts. Long Range weapons have huge attack range and power, but cost large amouns of AP to use, have very limited ammo, and are extremely heavy so only large, slow wanzers can carry them. There are also 3 different types of armor; Impact, Piercing and Fire. Only 1 type can be used at a time (at first), but if it is the counter to the enemies' weapon then damage will be cut by a third. There are also support abilities with new backpacks that can be used to carry items, inflict status ailments, extend missile range and call in air support. Using all of these factors in tandem along with optimizing wanzer parts will let players tear through the opposition. The only problem with it besides its daunting depth is it isn't entirely necessary until later in the plot because of enemy A.I. that is pretty unchallenging. Enemies don't often work together, leaving damaged easy kills to attack another pilot that they have a fixation on and also not using Links effectively, often being linked with a unit on the other side of the map. Although once enemies figure that out later, it is a whole different ballgame.

The graphics are pretty, though bland. Colors are washed out and lots of textures are flat and uninteresting which might at least be in theme with a mech game I suppose. The cinematics are top notch as is expected from Squeenix. There isn't a whole lot of replayability. You can start a new game with all your EP and money from a previous game, but only the hardcore will care to use that boost to try different setups and unlock all the hidden Simulator battles which are the only way of grinding.
For those who like it, incredible depth of tactics and a suspenseful political plot with some decent voice acting outweighs the easy difficulty curve and serviceable, but bland visuals.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for the PS2.

4 Everything explodes out of 5