Prince of Persia: Warrior Within (2004)

Genre: Platformer, Action | Players: 1 | Developer: Ubisoft

The 2nd game in the Sands of Time trilogy eschews the lighthearted aesthetic of the first game in favor of grimy, dark subject matter. It reeks of some marketing douche forcing in titties and blood because he thinks it will sell better. Really blatant too given the 2 bitches skintastic outfits which is confusing since it is made to appeal to preteen boys while upping the rating to Mature .

Along with the new art direction is improved combat, but improved does not mean good. There are more attack options, but only about 3 are needed as the same moves always work against certain enemies while others never work. The targeting is also made worse from the 1st game as it must be forced to attack the enemy you want. Left to its own devices, it is not uncommon for it to pick the furthest enemy from you instead of the one on his back in front of you awaiting the finishing blow. Mercifully not all battles must be fought and you need only do so when you need more sand or it is needed for progression. There is weapon degradation too where one long combo can destroy your secondary weapon, but as every enemy has a new one it is just a minor annoyance. A bigger annoyance is the ninja bitches that hop around endlessly while repeating the same overtly sado-masochistic one-liners at the Prince. Fuck those cunts. Also the Ravages of Time ability wasn't nearly as stylish as the Mega Freeze from the 1st game.

The platforming sections are as great as they should be, thank Cthulu, with a few new additions that don't break the flow and some nice environments in which to perform the Prince parkour. The wall runs, jumps, swings and now riding tapestries are as fun as ever hampered only slightly by some minor bugs. More than once I found myself stuck in a falling animation while on the ground, music that started up late and stretches where audio cut out entirely which wasn't too bad as the music sucks anyway. Add in some backtracking that can be confusing and a worthless map and it's a wonder the game is as playable as it is.

Buyer's Guide:
Can be found on the cheap for numerous platforms including an HD remastered version on PSN and a PSP port with new content.

2 The platforming saved it from a one out of 5

Lumines Plus (2007)

Genre: Strategy / Puzzle | Players: 1 - 2 | Developer: Q Entertainment

Lumines was praised as being one of the best titles available for Sony’s stillborn handheld, the PSP. I found the PS2 version recently for £1 / $1.58 in the pre-owned section, so I grabbed it. It’s another Tetris style falling blocks game. The blocks are always 2x2 and are always of two different colours. You have to match up the colours, making a similar 2x2 square so they’ll disappear. Simple. Except, they don’t disappear instantly, they hang around for a time like meth junkies in the park. In theory that means you can add to the disappearing blocks with the next available falling block, increasing the size and score. In practice it means despite clearing part of your screen it’s still feckin there, so it screws up where you can set your next block. It’s a hateful idea. Someone needs killed for it.

The game was designed by Tetsuya Mizuguchi, creator of REZ (2001) and uses a similar kind of music integration. The music isn't just background, it becomes a part of the gameplay. The tempo changes depending on how hectic or relaxed the action gets. That’s fine and dandy, but the music– oh God! The music is abominable. I wanted to stick something in my ears so I wouldn't hear it, anything would have been better, cotton, a kitten, a pencil, a dildo, broken glass. In the end I had to mute the game just to play BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TURN THE DAMN MUSIC OFF OR DOWN!

It’s fixed in a pre-set order that loops indefinitely so you hear the same tune every time you start a new game, over and over and over. You have to reach a certain score to unlock new tunes. Whoever composed it, next time you shave try standing an inch closer to the blade. Please and thanks.

I'm in the minority here (that's okay, the air is cleaner away from the stench of fitting in, plus when we play minority strip poker I always win) because I have almost nothing but scorn for Lumines. It’s my second falling blocks game in a month, the other was Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo (1996). Play it instead, not this festering turd.

Buyers Guide:
Don't, but if you hate yourself that much it's available on PSP, Mobile phone, PC, PS2, Xbox Live Arcade, PSN, iOS, PS Vita.

0 give me a shotgun and some cotton out of 5