Donkey Kong Country Returns (2010)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Retro Studios, Monster Games (3DS)

Donkey Kong’s return to ridiculously difficult platforming brings with it a number of changes that vary in degrees of contentiousness. King K. Rool and his goons are nowhere to be seen and the Kong family has been reduced to Donkey, Diddy, and Cranky. Further, your friends are limited to Rambi and Squawks.

Diddy, for his part, is no longer an independent playable character, if you go it alone. Instead, he acts as two additional hit points, a jet-pack that allows you to slow your descent, and the means to access an infinite roll. A second player can take control of him, however, while still being able to attach themselves to Donkey when they’re feeling generous.

These changes don’t bother me as I’ve always liked Donkey’s lumbering platforming abilities and was bothered by his disappearance from his own series so quickly in the original trilogy. I know many people enjoy the lighter characters, but this is DONKEY KONG Country, after all. The other playable Kongs can take a permanent vacation with Zero as far as I’m concerned.

The change I predictably take issue with is the motion controls. The ground pounding and blowing mechanics are fine and add to the variety of collecting activities but having rolling mapped to a flick of the wiimote is borderline inexcusable. This is notably remedied in the 3DS port. I will admit that it is impressive to see Donkey piloted by the competent hands of speedrunners, though.

Still, I can just BARELY excuse it as the time trials don’t count towards your completion percentage. Collecting the KONG letters in every level is the only thing that matters. Doing so unlocks the challenge levels in each world which, in turn, allow you to gain access to the final area. Clearing it will unlock mirror mode where you will complete the levels backwards, without Diddy, using a single hit point. This allows your percentage to climb to 200%.

There are also 5 to 9 puzzle pieces hidden in each level. I collect them because it allows me to explore the world. The rewards (images and songs) are NOT worth it. You can lease Squawks from Cranky if you have trouble in this endeavor. And, you will.

Overall, if you can live with Diddy’s new, reduced role and the lack of the extended DK and Krool crews, this is a fresh but still very challenging adventure worth tackling.

Buyer’s Guide: Available on the Wii and 3DS. If you feel the need for speed—and can suffer a graphical hit—go with the 3DS version. Many years later, I've had the chance to try it; I don't recommend it. Yes, rolling is mapped to a button press, but it didn't help. It makes Donkey fly past platforms. I'm honestly impressed that the game was explicitly designed around Donkey being slow. That's his thing; it makes him unique in this genre. Think about the time trials the same way as 10 star rankings in Silent Hill: They go against what the game(s) is/are about. You're supposed to linger in atmospheric games; Donkey is supposed to be lumbering. But, speed is a thing for some people. Yay for them; I guess. Can you tell that I've become disillusioned with speedrunning? You can play in a 'new' mode which has additional items appear in Cranky's shop (which you shouldn't need) and gives Donkey and Diddy an additional heart each. 6 Hearts. Jeez. It feels like they wanted to introduce an easy mode; something else anathema to DKC.

The biggest thing is that it makes the corners of the 3DS cut into the palms of my hands, jamming my flesh up into the cutouts in my case. Plus, I already knew that the Chiclet buttons were unacceptable for platforming games.

It's bad. It's miserable. Get it on Wii. No debate.

4 Barrel-Chested Banana Hoarders out of 5

Ys: The Ark of Napishtim (2006)

Genre: Action RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Nihon Falcom Corporation

 Ys is a long running series and this installment picks up from a previous game. The main hero is Adol; a red haired, do-gooder pirate who was thrown from his ship in a storm and has now washed ashore on the Canaan Islands which are home to a mystical race of people called Rehda. Now he must figure out how to leave the island which is no easy feat as the storm that brought him here is actually a never-ending vortex surrounding the whole island that has a reputation for stranding lost travelers, so he must instead try to keep peace between the native Rehda villagers and the settlement of stranded humans.

Gameplay is a standard action-RPG variety. Adol can attack in real time with various upgrade-able swords and can boost his stats with new equipment. There are also a small selection of special moves and a magic spell that changes depending on what weapon is currently being used which must be charged by giving or receiving damage. The enemies are surprisingly varied and the action is quick and simple, but still satisfying. The art and music are top notch though the PSP version was downgraded to sprites from the PS2/PC version with full polygons that change based on Adol's equipment. The only thing really wrong is the loading times. They are far too long and far too frequent. The game loads after exiting EVERY. DAMN. ROOM and can take up to 20 seconds which is sometimes longer than the time that will even be spent in said room. It is massively annoying to load and enter an empty room for that long and then it takes 3 seconds to turn left and boom there is another loading screen. The game was good enough to force my way through it, but it was still problematic. One more nitpick is I had to turn down the SFX volume because the sound of Adol's footsteps were loud as fuck and sounded like he had hooves.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PC, PS2 and PSP. Go for the PS2 version if you can for full polygons, voice acting and to avoid the chronic load times. The only thing the PSP version has going for it is a few added fetch quests and an unlockable media database.

3 Anti-hero assholes in all black out of 5

Bully / Canis Canem Edit (2006)

Genre: Sandbox | Players: 1 | Developer: Rockstar Vancouver (PS2) / Rockstar Toronto (Wii) / Rockstar New England (Xbox 360, PC)

Authority figures: pricks. We all know one. Some of you may even want to be one. For those of us that don’t, Rockstar provides.

The game takes place at Bullworth Academy, a fictional boarding school in New England. It’s similar to the Grand Theft Auto games in that you play a role and have a sandbox environment to kick around in, but it’s not just GTA: School. The scholastic setting is more than just a cosmetic change, and the satire reflects that.

You play as fifteen-year-old Jimmy Hopkins, a troubled youth from an equally troubled home environment. From the beginning it’s clear that Bullworth is as fucked-up as all the other schools that Jimmy has been expelled from, which leaves him with two options: keep his head down and hope the bullies leave him alone, or stand up to them using the kind of methods they understand.

The world may seem small to begin with because you’re confined to school grounds, but progression through the story opens up additional areas to explore and new tasks to undertake.

Between missions you’ll have the opportunity to attend classes that take the form of mini-games. They’re all very simple except for Shop, which is infuriating. It’s not essential to complete all classes, but the rewards for doing so tend to help make progress easier in the missions, so they’re definitely worthwhile.*

Weapons become available (*see above) and fit with the school aesthetic (slingshot, fire crackers, stink bombs, etc), but their use will have consequences.

There’s a lot of stuff to do outside of missions and classes, such as races, shopping and gathering collectibles. They’re not all signposted, so often the onus is on you to explore and find them for yourself. If you've played a Rockstar game before, you'll know how much fun that can be and how much time it can take.

Originally only on PS2, it was later ported to Wii, Xbox 360 and PC as Bully: Scholarship Edition (2008) with additional content. The PS2 version was renamed 'Canis Canem Edit' in PAL territories, a title that more accurately describes the nature of the game world into which Jimmy is unceremoniously thrust.

5 detentions out of 5

LittleBigPlanet (2009)

Genre: Puzzle, Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Cambridge Studio

The full PS3 nut is here. This is for the PSP version that is slightly different and developed mostly by a different studio. The main idea is basically the same as players control Sackboy in a cute little ethereal world made up of the unused ideas of humans or something from the opening animation with a wonderful narration by Stephen Fry. Sackboy can traverse the multiple levels with themes ranging from Australian outback and oriental China to ancient Persia and modern Hollywood with fun little physics based puzzles on multiple 3D planes. However, the PSP version necessitated some trimming so there is now only 2 planes to switch between rather than the original 3 and no multiplayer.

The physics are generally fun if a little wonky, but most troubling is when it affects jumping. Just a simple jump, which is about 90% of gameplay given that this is a platformer, is often unreliable and unresponsive. This can make or break the game whether it decides to be floaty cartoon magic or a frustrating slog as you continuously murder Sackboy on electric panels and fire pits because the jump decided you were a little off or worse made you switch planes unwillingly because reasons. This can taint the whole experience, but when it is working perfectly it is still quite a joy with very interesting puzzles with levers, jetpacks, sleds, etc. and a wonderful aesthetic and soundtrack.

The story is barely there both in length and as a motivation for Sackboy to traverse the levels with the only real incentive being the puzzles and the various costumes and stickers to collect. Too bad the small PSP screen makes it very hard to discern what the costume pieces look like, unless they are particularly over-the-top. I ended up with a dino costume and pretty much stuck with that the whole time. The stickers I actually never used outside of what the story required and there was no detriment, so take that for what it's worth. The multiplayer is gone, but the level designer and DLC is still there, but there was a limited selection so many years later and on a less than super popular console.

Overall, not as good as it's full PS3 version, but you might stay for the whimsy and soundtrack. What story that is there is actually different too if that matters to you.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on UMD and PSN.

2½ At least the shared energy bar won't ruin any friendships now out of 5

Xenogears (1998)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Squaresoft

I missed this one the first time around, but being an avid fan of all things Square I pulled it off PSN. The game starts with our protagonist Fei Fong Wong who has been brought to a small town with a bad case of that ever-so-useful amnesia. After a few years of peaceful living, a centuries long conflict between the 2 nations of Aveh and Kislev spill over into town and the town is destroyed in the battle between the armies' huge mechs called "gears". Now Fei must travel the continent with the town doctor Citan and discover the origins of the conflict and the forces behind it that may go back even farther.

Gameplay is a fairly standard RPG model with a twist on the turn based battles. During each character's turn, they are assigned attack points that can be used for either low, medium or high powered attacks that are mapped to the triangle, square and X buttons respectively. Using different combinations will allow the use of special deathblow combos that can be learned with experience. Unused AP can also be saved and then used for a long string of deathblows for devastating damage. There is also ether points (EP) that are this universe's form of magic which acts in an identical way to most other RPGs, but the main draw for most is probably the battles inside of the gears. Gear battles are pretty much the same except AP is replaced with fuel which every attack consumes as well as any special abilities the gear might have like healing. Woe be to the player who gets stuck fighting a gear sized enemy without their own gear.

The story starts out almost cliche, but gets more interesting as more subplots and characters are added. Then it goes too far in the opposite direction with so much going on that the whole narrative becomes muddled and confusing. The majority of the subplots are never resolved and it comes to a head on disc 2 when they are all mostly dropped completely as is most of the actual game.The story becomes a long slog of characters narrating events to the player instead of actually playing it out. Only sparse scenarios interrupt this shift with things like the world map and visiting towns and such disappearing completely until the endgame. This fault line was so bleh that I almost stopped playing, especially when I sat for over an hour reading narration with no gameplay. Whatever the reasons for the rift, it mars the game and it took considerable effort to maintain the motivation to keep going which I did mostly to justify the hours already spent. The themes based off of different psychological practices were interesting until they became overblown like everything else. There is a bunch of stuff ranging from reincarnation and gene manipulation to nano machines and living gods when just picking one would have made a much more cohesive experience. It feels like a bad case of spectacle creep and a nasty extension of the weird habit Japan has of giving divine qualities to large robots that I am rarely willing to accept. They can never just be weapons.

Otherwise the game held up better than most of the time even if the sparse anime cutscenes are nowadays nothing special and the voice-overs for them are laughably out of synch and there are way too many random battles, often within a few seconds of the previous one ending. Altogether, an interesting experience if not always an enjoyable one.

Buyer's Guide:
The original PS1 release is a collectors item, so expect to pay a premium for it even though it is now available for download on PSN.

2½ But at least there was kung-fu and gun-slinging priests out of 5

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011)

Genre: Action / Adventure | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo EAD Group No. 3

The first full Legend of Zelda game built exclusively from the ground up to work with the Wii controller gives you all combat abilities from the beginning. It's perhaps by way of an apology for the actual fighting being so damn awkward.
Over time you’ll learn to compensate for the impreciseness, but there’s nothing in Link’s repertoire of moves that couldn't have been successfully mapped to a conventional controller; a Game Cube controller, for example.

There are one or two minor things that do actually benefit from onscreen action mimicking physical motion but I’d have traded them in an instant, because the sheer number of things that don’t work, that feel like a second-rate compromise, far outnumber them and it needs CONSTANT recalibrating.

There’s an obvious attempt at expanding the scope of the usual gameplay while simultaneously keeping it faithful to the core experience. Consequently, it’s a game with two distinct identities: 50% of it is wonderful, even the overly-familiar stuff, and the other 50% is a depressing chore. It holds the dubious honour of being the only proper LoZ title that I will never, ever want to play again.

There’s a hub world and three main areas with a Dungeon on each. There’s often a lot to do before you reach the actual Dungeon entrance, but once inside it’s business as usual, with some new additions, of course, because each new entry in the series introduces something new.

That’s the mechanics and map, but what of Link’s motivations? He’s searching for one person. He doesn't enter dungeons to rid them of evil or to cleanse the world for the greater good. He enters dungeons to find his friend. It’s a small scale noble endeavour, but he’s essentially trespassing. He helps people along the way but not for what you’d typically call selfless reasons.

I found myself unable to connect with Link emotionally, which is something I've not had issue with in the past. In the end my persistence came down to ‘I want to get through this because it’s a LoZ game and I'm invested in the franchise,’ and not the more enjoyable ‘I want to get through this to save X from Y and restore peace to the land.’ I just wanted closure, not to be a legendary hero. That realisation saddened me deeply, but was a completely inescapable factor.

Scoring is difficult. Compared to regular adventure games it stands apart, but when compared solely to other Legend of Zelda titles it's a disappointing:

3½ grabitude crackles out of 5

NOTE: If you're considering playing the game, FIRST READ the entry titled Song of the Hero Game Ending Error on the Zelda Wiki or you'll run the risk of activating a programming error that'll break your game midway through.

Tony Hawk's Proving Ground (2007)

Genre: Sport | Players: 1 or Online Multi

Developer: Neversoft (Xbox 360 + PS3) / Page 44 Studios (PS2 + Wii)

I consider myself a veteran when it comes to the Tony Hawk games. I’ve played Pro Skater 1, 2, 3 and 4, Underground 1 and 2, American Wasteland and this. That’s eight games in all. I've seen the series climb from humble but hopeful beginnings to the spectacular heights of THPS3, and then subsequently fall hard on its ass, clutching at wild ideas that have little to do with skating. Proving Ground was a new low. There’s not enough room here to list everything that’s wrong with it.

There’s a story of sorts. You’re a noob, barely able to ollie a pebble. With help from the Pros you’ll learn new tricks, new skills, a new way of looking at things and, like the series itself in the early days, climb the ladder of success.

There are three environments: Baltimore, Philadelphia and Washington. They exist as one large open-world area. There’s no loading as you traverse from one to the other, but there’s loading at other times to make up for it, like when you cock-up a task for the twentieth time because they’re so fucking difficult.

A number of in-game arcade machines are littered around the environment that, once unlocked, will allow you to play something called Tony Hawk 2000. The score targets, the goals, the collect S-K-A-T-E and C-O-M-B-O tasks are recreated as they were in the early games. It’s a game within a game, so you’re still in the same environment, but it’s a lot more fun than the main game. They should have dispensed with all that other crap and made TH2000 the focus.

Extras include short promos (i.e. adverts) and, for some reason, a Rolling Stones video, Sympathy for the devil. Best Stones song ever! Wait… it’s a Fatboy Slim remix. Bloody Hell. The disappointment never ends.

Amazingly, the multiplayer aspect is still available at time of writing. Game modes are: Graffiti, Trick Attack, H.O.R.S.E and Free Skate. You should be able to figure out what they entail by the names.

2 sketchy reverts out of 5