Ratchet: Gladiator (2005 / 2013 in HD)

Genre: Platformer  |  Players: 1 or 2 co-op  |  Developer: Insomniac Games (original PS2 edition) / Idol Minds (PS3 port)

Prior to Gladiator (aka Ratchet: Deadlocked (NA) / Ratchet and Clank 4 (JP)), all of the HD updates I’d played had been successful, but it’s impossible to outrun the law of averages forever. It had to happen eventually. I got a shitty one.

If you received the game free because of the QForce/Full Frontal Assault (2012) delay then you can offset the cheapness somewhat, but if you bought it as a standalone entry then there’s every reason to expect a product that’s worth the price paid, particularly when Idol Minds did such a sterling job on the previous collection. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that the lack of care and respect that went into the conversion makes me hesitant to trust them in future.

FMV scenes are repeatedly jerky and there are times when the foreground textures go inexplicably transparent, enabling the backgrounds to be visible through them. Is the jerkiness a PAL thing? Is the NTSC version the same? I don't know. All I know is that interactions between characters during those times are an important part of the R+C experience, and they've been treated badly.

Mercifully, once you gain control of Ratchet the game works. There’s still slowdown during heated moments, but it's easy to adjust to. The only notable exception is when the game pauses you in mid-swing over a bottomless death-gap so that it can load the platform on which you're planning to land.

The arena challenges that were a small part of the previous games are the sole aspect of Gladiator. It’s not always confined to a small area, but it is essentially a series of bouts/ battles that get increasingly more challenging and frustratingly hectic as you progress. I acknowledge that a large number of people will feel the direct opposite, but I need more than just shooting/ advancing toward endless waves; the balance that was achieved in previous games was sorely missed.

Gun-fans may feel equally short-changed when it comes to the limited array of weapons available. They can level up to insane proportions but there's a lesser number to play around with than long-time players will be used to.

In a series known for OTT weaponry and ballsy humour, being underwhelming hurts more than it would otherwise; it means that it failed to do its job as well as it should have, and will hold the interest of only the most ardent or forgiving fan.

2½ ratings wars out of 5

The Ratchet & Clank Trilogy: Classics HD (2012)

Genre: Platformer  |  Players: 1 / Up to 8 Online (R+C 3 only)  |  Developer: Insomniac Games (original PS2 editions) / Idol Minds (PS3 port) / Mass Media Inc. (PSV port)

Replaying the first three R+C games was even more fun than I'd expected it to be, and my hopes were pretty high to begin with.  The revisit brought to light something that can be viewed primarily in one of two ways: it either shows how little the series changed over a short number of years (2002-04), or it highlights how spot-on the devs at Insomniac got the formula on their first try.  I sit firmly in the latter camp while acknowledging the former from afar.

I'm not implying that the first game is perfect.  It clearly isn't.  It’s the only one of the three without a strafe manoeuvre, making it a lot harder than it could've been otherwise.  There’s a workaround but it’s not ideal.  On the plus side, Clank’s first words are of the series-defining innuendo variety.

The second game, known as R+C: Locked and Loaded (EU); R+C: Going Commando (US); or simply as R+C 2 (JP), remedied the lack of strafe and nailed the voices that we've come to know and instantly recognise.  The platforming and guns were better, and there are more forgiving checkpoints throughout.
For my money the only stains on an otherwise perfect gaming experience are the frustrating glider sections that require a lot of patience and more than a little trial and error, and the awful Clank on the Moon missions.  In fact, in all three games the Clank parts are more of a necessary chore than an enjoyable break.  They were included to offer gamers variety, but if they could be removed it would make R+C 2 a strong contender for the best 3D platformer on a Sony machine.

R+C 3 (EU + JP), known as R+C: Up Your Arsenal in the US, tweaked the formula a little more, but with R+C 2 being so good there wasn't a lot they could do besides add more inventive weapons and not cock-up anything that already worked perfectly.  To that end, they cranked the innuendo lever even harder.

The replay value of each game is more than generous.  If it takes X amount of time to finish, it’ll take at least 2X to mop up the bonus stuff.  You've access to even more destructive weapons on your second playthrough, known as Challenge Mode.  During C Mode you keep the majority of your inventory and every bolt you've earned.  Being fully armed from the start means it’s easier to progress, but the enemies are more dangerous so it’s not completely effortless.

The port from PS2 to PS3 by Idol Minds doesn't harm the games in any way.  They even kept the multi-player aspect of R+C 3 intact, making it fully playable over PSN.  I didn't care to try it, but it's a notable addition, nonetheless.

It's one of Sony's 'Cross Buy' titles, but I can't comment on the PSV versions.  I'm not one of the half-dozen people in the UK that actually own a PSV.

4 socioeconomic disparities out of 5

Final Fantasy — 20th Anniversary Edition (2007)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Tose

The first game in this (what came to be) ironically titled series is without question the most basic console RPG experience I’ve ever encountered. Yes, I do believe Mystic Quest is more complex than this is, in any of its iterations. Explore, talk to townsfolk, buy items, exchange items, fight baddies, and grind. That’s it. It’s quaint, almost painfully so.

You’re free to make a party of four, from six classes (Warrior, Thief, Monk, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) and name them after you and your friends or other characters (oh hai Vivi~). The grinding could be considered severe depending on your history and personal tolerances, but it is structured to match the regimented story, at the very least. Gain ten levels to be comfortable in the introductory dungeon and ten more for each subsequent. Level 60 is where you’ll want to be for a winnable final encounter that will still elicit slight fears of failure.

In the original NES release, a pointedly dated/annoying mechanic was the system’s inability to automatically switch your aim to another enemy if the one you originally targeted was defeated by another party member. It’s been fixed in every other version, but it’s not a ‘smart’ system and you’ll still want to be careful about your assignments as you’ll often find your warrior suddenly attacking a smaller enemy that your mages could have taken out either alone, or in tandem, to save you a round of combat.

That’s another thinly veiled tip. Bring more than one mage if you aren’t doing a challenge run, of which there are MANY flavors. Of course, I have to admit that outside of those popular challenges and nostalgia for its own sake, there is NO reason to play this game, today. If you want to experience a standard, classic Final Fantasy, play IV or VI.

This version contains all of the bonus dungeons from the GBA version as well as an exclusive that utilizes a mechanic similar to VIII’s endgame. You’ll be repeatedly handicapping yourself in order to progress. For me, getting extra gear and fighting bosses from the later games is silly, but it’s extra content if you want it.

If you have a PSP and are absolutely sure you want to play it, this IS the version I recommend. All PSP owners need more games and it’s bright, crisp, colorful, and in widescreen here. Win.

Buyer’s Guide: Here we go. /takes deep breath: NES, MSX2 (what?), WonderSwan Color, Playstation (as part of FF Origins, in the west), GBA (as part of Dawn of Souls with II—fuck you II, die in a hole), iOS, PSP, Windows Phone, Android, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console, 3DS eshop, and the NES mini.

 

The Pixel Remasters look like ass trash, to me. I said it.

3 Parts of Neg Still Love To Name Nameless Characters out of 5

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1988)

Genre: Action, Adventure, RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo R&D4

I respect franchises that are brave enough to change much of their formula, especially early on. Accordingly, Zelda II’s change to a side-scrolling POV for interiors, random enemy encounters, and hidden overworld areas is not something I classify as a problem. It’s a decision; one that I have no qualms with, in a vacuum. The same is true for the brutal difficulty. There are magic drops in carefully doled out supply that will make progression exceedingly possible, if not delectably care-free.

There are RPG elements in play and while you are welcome to grind your heart out there are measures in place to facilitate a relatively swift adventure. You’ll be given a free level-up for completing each temple. If you use the experience-heavy enemies inside them to level just prior to placing the jewel at the end, you’ll be able to make the most out of this boon.

Regardless of my tolerance for these changes, there is a major problem: those very temples. Much like the original Metroid, there is a sameness to each area. Colors change from place to place, but within each temple it’s the same, from the floors to the walls to the bots drop from….the ceilings…The dungeons in the first game are equally guilty, but being presented top-down with a map system forewent the left-right, up-down experimentation necessary to complete these temples. “I went left last time, but I didn’t go up and then right at that elevator I found when I did, right?” is a conversation no one should have to have with themselves. EVER.

As tedious as one of the main focuses of the series is here, there are a few positives: Ocarina’s sages find their origin in the town names of this version of Hyrule. It’s Error and Bagu’s 'hood, yo. Yet most importantly, to me, is the music. There’s something about the tone that makes it haunting, perched on the precipice of madness. I love it. It should also be noted that a New Game+ exists that allows you to keep your levels and spells.

I can’t in good conscience implore anyone to play this in any serious capacity. If someone you know has it, give it a few minutes. Completing the first temple gives a representative enough feel of the experience.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally an NES game, it’s been ported to the GameCube (on the Zelda Collector’s Edition), the GBA, and every version of the Virtual Console currently in existence. It has also been included on the NES mini.

2 Sides of Yourself Enter, One Leaves out of 5

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (2000)

Genre: Action, Adventure | Players: 1 | Developer: Nintendo EAD

As with Zelda II before, Nintendo saw fit to make their second N64 console entry radically different from its predecessor. Virtually all of Ocarina’s assets are present, but they are turned on their head to create as new an experience as this franchise has ever mustered. Most importantly, the characters—and some NPCs who were originally not much more than character models—are given entirely new roles. It is the exact methodology exhibited in Stephen King’s Desperation and The Regulators (1996, both), with equally effective results.

Young Link is put in a position where he has the option to help as few or as many of these unfortunate souls as you deem fit. Gameplay revolves around a three day cycle that can be reset at will once the Song of Time is recalled. Link gets to keep the items, heart pieces and masks that he earns in each cycle, but the characters' memories and all events reset along with the time. This leads to repetition, but it is thought-driven, unlike the mindless variety I personally find to be in Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon. To further aid in this, people’s schedules are automatically recorded in a notebook the moment they open up to you with their problems.

The above mentioned masks have grown from a side-quest in Ocarina to being the main focus here. A few are transformative in nature, granting new powers. Others function in more limited ways or aid entry into the four dungeons, the process of which is now, also puzzle-driven in nature.

Frankly, there are aspects of MM that made my soul sing and others that I absolutely fucking loathed. I had problems solving certain things on my own, but when I retroactively looked at each case, I had to admit that the game indeed provided the means to resolve those issues. At a different time in my life, I probably would have been more patient and capable of doing everything independently.

In the end, this is the kind of game that teaches you things about yourself and life in general, if you’re willing to listen: when to ask for and provide help, when to accept things, and when things just have to be let go. I can’t claim to prefer it to Ocarina, though I can absolutely respect those who do because they are as equal as they are unique from one another.

Buyer’s Guide: It is of utmost importance to know that if you want the original 64 cart you’ll also need to procure an expansion pack as it is one of the few games that require it. It’s also available in the LoZ Collector’s Edition on the Game Cube and on the virtual console. The 3DS remake will be available the month of this writing (February 2015).

4½ Distraught Goatse Shields out of 5

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (2001)

Genre: Sport  |  Players: 1-2  / Up to 4 online (PS2 only)  |  Developer: Neversoft

THPS 1 and 2 were both fun games but in truth they weren't quite as sophisticated as some of us would've liked. Sometimes even the simplest thing was more difficult than it ought to have been, and the frame rate was inconsistent on the larger levels. On the surface THPS 3 doesn't do much radically different from its predecessors, but to play it is to discover that Neversoft successfully honed the formula to perfection; everything, that is, except the tricky frame rate.

The new revert manoeuvre effectively balances gameplay for people who prefer ramps to street, enabling combos to be continued while tricking on vert. Do it successfully and you can even ease into a manual, hop off the vert and transition to the nearest street obstacle or rail for the best of both worlds with your score multiplier unbroken. Keep the balance meter from tipping over and you can chalk up massive scores. (Combine with Gaps for more impressive numbers.)

The character customisation isn't extensive but nor is it lacking too much. Hats, hairstyles, glasses, tees, etc, can be unlocked and worn. The same applies to hardware, new decks, wheels, etc. None of it makes a damn bit of difference to how your skater performs, but it’s a nice touch, nonetheless.

Once you've chosen your preferred style it’s onto career mode with your custom skater. There are only eight levels, which doesn't sound very much, but there are multiple goals to achieve within each one. If you only achieve one goal per run, save it and try for something else on subsequent runs; they carry over so you don't need to do them all in one try. It’s the usual TH procedure.

There’s incentive to replay each level with the Pros, provided you enjoy watching unlockable skate videos. If you’re playing a skating game then you’re probably going to enjoy skate videos. Rodney Mullen’s is mind-blowing. I strongly suspect he’s an actual wizard, unbearded and in disguise.

Perhaps the most enduring aspect for me personally is that I can no longer hear Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ without thinking of the game’s opening credits. The two things are forever wedded in my mind.

5 crucial stat points out of 5

Note: originally on PS1 (developed by Shaba Games and a lot less technically advanced), PS2, GameCube and GBC, it was ported to other formats by various devs: N64 (Edge of Reality); PC + Mac (Gearbox Software); GBA (Vicarious Visions). Obviously the GBC and GBA versions will be radically different than even the PS1 version, but I should also mention that while the GC version looks prettier than the PS2 it has major problems in other areas. In short, consider anything written above this Note to apply ONLY to PS2, PC and Xbox.

Donkey Kong Country (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Rare

While DK was launched into the star-studded realm of playable characters with this sub-franchise….it didn’t last very long. His little buddy Diddy stole the spotlight almost instantaneously. That Rare saw it fit to cave to ease of use and genericism as soon as the first sequel is ridiculously disappointing. Donkey Kong himself is quite unique in his platforming because of his immense weight. You have to play smarter and more carefully to compensate for his decreased jumping ability and sluggishness. Diddy does have a weakness (bigger enemies will bounce him backwards while taking no damage) but he can still take them out assuming he has the room necessary to roll into them.

Having since played DKC Returns, this game is far easier and less ambitious in terms of secrets and level design than I remembered, but that’s to be expected given that it’s the first game in the series and an SNES release from 1994. It isn’t fair of me to make this comparison outside of stating my preference for the rebooted franchise, I acknowledge. In a vacuum, OG DKC is a fairly difficult endeavor, but for whatever reason I’ve always had near-infinite patience for it. It may simply be because it never feels particularly cheap. If you screw up it’s because you don’t know what’s coming (alternately, don’t remember) or you simply haven’t played it enough. It’s challenging and it’s on you to step up.

That said, you will have to rest your entire enjoyment on the development of that skill if you aren’t the type who is willing to check video walkthroughs to locate some of the bonus rooms that count towards your completion total. The vast majority can be found with eagle eyes and a knowledge of what types of walls are usually breakable, but a few are impossible to find without help or some incredibly serendipitous screw ups. You can achieve 101% and the game IS nice enough to indicate on the map screen when you’ve found all of the bonus rooms in a given level. As far as I can tell the only reward is a slight change to Cranky’s dialogue. Lame.

It may show signs of age and use too many boss re-colors (i.e., any at all), but if you’re visiting for the right reasons this is more than smooth enough to still warrant your time in 2015.

Buyer’s Guide: It was originally on SNES, but it’s since been ported to the GBA and the SNES mini. It WAS on the Virtual Console, but apparently Nintendo (or some legal remnant of Rare) doesn’t like to make free money. You know what to dooooo~

3½ Friendly Acts of Violence out of 5