Nut Load. Mini reviews of games old and new. No fuss. No spoilers. Occasional shock face.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Dirge of Cerberus (2006)


Genre: 3rd-Person Shooter, Action, RPG | Players: 1
Developer: Square Enix Product Development Division 1

This is a steaming pile of shit in the most vital way: the gameplay. Movement is stiff, you can only jump off ledges when the designers want you to, and most heinous of all, you’re going to be told you suck on your first playthrough. This was actually intended to be played over and over. Hence, your likely only pass is going to be riddled with disappointment, ad nauseum presses of R1, and most of the bad-assery being left to fight-ending cinematics. Not that I really mind that SO much, considering QTEs are nowhere to be found. Silver linings can be absolutely microscopic, sometimes.

The enemy team Squeenix cooked up has a purpose, in the long run, but are ultimately there to provide Vinny with boss fights other than military hardware. Even still, he’s got a huge beef with helicopters if this game is any indication. The main conflict works within the world’s mythos, at least. We could probably debate whether that’s good or bad.

As I drove on, I again found myself getting caught up in it; It’s a numb feeling akin to being stuck on the side of a Katamari ball, I suppose. Near the end, Vincent seems to realize he’s in a video game and most people are going to find the culmination to ring a bit sour because of it. There really isn’t that much revealed in terms of his character’s arc. It is nice to see stuff from VII play out in 3D cutscenes, though. Yuffie is presented well and her interactions with Vincent are very pleasant, if predictable. Reeve, however, shines by far the brightest before the game finally realizes who’s on the box cover.

If you like Vincent and have a high tolerance for shit, this will likely be the guiltiest of pleasures. If he didn’t spark your interest with his appearance in the main game, avoid at all costs.

I feel like I should start shopping at Hot Topic for liking this at all.

Buyer's Guide: PS2 exclusive. Wiki says it's on PSN. They lie, thankfully. There was a tie-in on mobile phones. I'm sure it's lost to the digital aether, now.

1½ 'I had enough things to be guilty about, as it was' out of 5

1 comment:

cuckoo77 said...

If you do go to Hot Topic be sure to pick me up a pink studded belt that says "Punk Rawk Grrl".

I'll force Doc to wear it with his Bo Peep outfit, ushanka, yellow duckie gumboots and my soiled undies.