Final Fantasy VII (1997)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Square Product Development Division 1

At last, we have come to this. This isn’t the greatest game ever made. This isn’t a 5. It isn’t even a 4. Come at me.

Surprisingly, there was a period of my life where I forsook this game. This was much at odds to how I felt about it upon its release. You can be critical about anything you please as ‘free-thinking’ human beings, but I don’t feel bringing the full-force of your logic to bear on a series called Final FANTASY is the best use of your time. Weird shit happens in these games. Shit that sometimes doesn’t make a lick of sense. That’s okay, because whether or not you enjoy something ultimately comes down to how it makes you feel. The allusions to Norse mythology and modern philosophy are peachy-fucking-keen, though, don’t get me wrong. For a title focusing on protecting ‘the planet,’ this doesn’t even feel particularly influenced by hippie propaganda.

This game gives me a huge nostalgia boner, I’m not going to lie. The gameplay is polished (if overly, OVERLY simple) even if the spelling is not. Expect a large handful of typos in the PSX release. VII is the stock-standard prototype for menu-based, multi-disc Japanese rpgs with big hair, big swords, and big optional bosses. In some ways it even outshines the other FF games of that console generation. Someone please tell me why IX looks like kitty litter—especially after VIII. I think it holds up well enough, but then again I've been playing it off and on since release. *shrug*

There are problems, however, no doubt. I, literally seconds ago, learned something from a FAQ about the plot that I have been oblivious to for 16 years. Why have I never learned this from the game itself? Still, the problems with it are not nearly as jarring as some would have you believe. If you enjoy jrpgs and somehow haven’t played this, fix it. You don’t have to become a blind, raving fanboy (calamity from the internets, mir?) and you don’t have to revile it in some holier-than-thou manner, either.

You can like it for what it is (or not), and ignore the drama and bullshit.

It’s not worth the hype, or inflated black-label prices, but it is worth the price PSN is charging.

Buyer’s Guide: It’s an original playstation game, but unless you want to pay out the nose get it from the PSN and enjoy it on your PS3 or PSP. Patching the PC version is increasingly a nightmare, or so I hear.

3 ‘I fucking know which way the cannon is, guys’ out of 5

Ni no Kuni (2013)

Genre: RPG | Players: 1 | Developer: Level-5

I was so hyped for Ni No Kuni that I pre-ordered seven months before it was even released on these shores. I began to think there was no way it could live up to my expectations. I was very wrong. It’s the kind of JRPG that hasn't been seen for a long time; the kind that comes along about twice every console generation.

You play as Oliver as he searches for something meaningful within two worlds and within himself. Along the way he’ll face physical and emotional trials.

The story could've tugged more fiercely on the heartstrings; there are scenes that feel forcibly reserved, which is odd considering it's by Studio Ghibli. They also provided cut scenes, character designs and beautiful in-game animation full of colour and vibrancy. Sadly the traditional 2D animation gets less frequent as the game progresses, but the consistency in quality remains.

Battles mix real-time movement and turn-based inputs. When you enter the menu the action halts. After you input a command the action resumes.

Oliver doesn't fight alone. He can recruit creatures to fight alongside him, Pokémon style. Mostly you’ll be instructing them to fight on your behalf, utilising their abilities and swapping them in and out when needed. You can’t rely on them completely because they get tired and must be rested. During boss battles you’re going to need millisecond timing.

The game has two flaws that keep it from a perfect score. The absence of your party members’ magic bar during combat is one. If you’re relying on them to heal you it’s vital to know if they have magic or not.

The second is that pre-rendered animations take precedence over any attempt you make to damage an enemy; e.g. if you release your most devastating attack just before the boss goes into his/her attack routine, they'll take the hit but it won’t do damage. You’re left with depleted magic and no time to defend.

Neither issue is game-breaking, but being aware of them in advance will help you plan your strategy better. It's a small criticism of an otherwise wonderful experience, which is the perfect antidote to bland sequels and rushed reboots.

Joe Hisaishi's soundtrack is superb; parts of which is the best he’s written in years.

I played with the Japanese v/o. I checked the English dub on YouTube and it was dreadful in comparison. If you're not averse to subtitles, I'd recommend them.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PS3 only.

4½ emotional transfusions out of 5

Mega Man 3 (1990)

Why is Top Man green? Why is Alfred E. Neuman shooting Michael Bay's Spark Man in the crotch? 😖

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

As much as everyone seems to love Mega Man 2, I find it still somewhat hampered by the stiffness of the first game. With the third entry in the storied series, I finally began to feel at home in the improved controls and competent enough to see the task through to completion. While standing as a pseudo-prototype for the immediately successive games, there are in fact several key things 3 accomplished that those almost immediately forewent:

***Virtually no stereotypical, elemental Robot Masters — There's an electric boss, but the water stage doesn’t even belong to a water master. We’ve got magnets, tops, needles, snakes, sexual innuendos and fuggen ninjas. Ice and fire need not apply.

***No shield weapon — Does ANYONE actually enjoy shield weapons? Yet, they’ve been in almost every game since.

***Rush Jet — Not only was this the debut of Rush, period, it was the only time that Rush Jet has ever been fully functional. You can move backwards, forwards, up, down—all a-fucking-round. Ever since, it has been some form of auto-piloting death trap, ready to drop you to your doom at a moment’s notice. Fix ur shit, Capcom. If you haven’t already in 9 or 10.....

***Doc Robot stages — They saw fit to bring back the masters of 2 for rematches in remixed versions of half of the stages. This was a legitimate way to lengthen the game and pay homage to those then already iconic masters.

Some have argued that the Wily stages are overly simple. Mayhaps, but to me they don’t feel insanely short or half-assed in the way others have *cough*X2*cough.* Sure, one is a brief romp to the new Yellow Devil fight, but the fight itself is satisfying and far more managable (w/o glitches) than the original, to compensate.

Others have complained that there is no story set up at the beginning of the game itself, with slight plot details suddenly being dropped out-of-the-blue after clearing all the masters. I do usually play games for story, but I don’t with Mega Man. This is a critical failing of the X series and I couldn’t care less, here. I have a set of masters unique in the scope of the series in front of me waiting to be massacred, and that’s more than enough.

Buyer’s Guide: Originally on the NES. Available most easily on the Virtual Console, PSN, and in the Mega Man Anniversary Collection on PS2, GameCube, and Xbox. It’s also on mobile devices, several Japanese compilations, and the 3DS VC in Japan.

4½ Motherfucking Snakes (Impaled) On Motherfucking Pins out of 5

Mega Man X2 (1994)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

While innovation is the keystone of almost all successful franchises, there are times when such evolution sends one completely off the rails. It’s just my opinion, but this is what I believe to be the case with the Mega Man X series. Each successive entry added more insipid story elements (eventually with horrendous voice acting), more complex requirements for hidden extras, and eventually a frustrating collection system masquerading as equippable perks. There are reasons for this, but it doesn’t change how I feel: Aside from X4, this complexity is inversely related to the quality of the games. Each is worse than the last.

That said, let’s focus on X2. As the first step away from the stellar original game, it stands as ‘acceptably worse.’ The bosses have decent enough patterns that are fun to learn to buster-only. The stages are a slight bit more lackluster but passable enough, even if there aren’t any cross-stage changes, as there were in the first game. The extras only require you to quickly take out three additional Mavericks, which can appear in any of the stages. The armor upgrades make sense and two are exquisite. The air-dash is indispensable and when combined with a charged-up boss weapon can be extended greatly. This mechanic is utilized often and even very cleverly in one spot, which appropriately leads to the greatest reward in the game.

The music didn’t stand out to me, to be honest. However, this is also true of X1, so I can hardly hold it against this particular sequel. The X series' music just pales in comparison to the classic series’ giant collection of unique and identifiable stage themes. In the end, literally, the Sigma stages are short and overly easy once you’ve been through them fully. The final area is even a direct copy/paste of a Maverick stage. Seriously? At least Mega Man 3 remixed the four stages used for Doc Robot battles. Ultimately, the Sigma fights are far less memorable this time around, but the duel with an old friend that proceeds them is genuinely a blast to buster.

I have a very love/hate relationship with the X series, but if you like the original, and find X2 (or the X collection) at a flea market, you might as well. There are far worse games you can play. Some are just much closer at hand to it than others.

Buyer's Guide: Originally available on the SNES. Your """best""" bets are the Mega Man X collection on PS2, PS4, Xbox One, GameCube, and Switch, or the Virtual Console, however. If for some reason you have an "i-mode" or "EZweb" compatible phone, and live in Japan, you can get it that way, as well.

2½ Unaccounted Zero Parts out of 5

Psychonauts (2005)

Genre: Action Adventure | Players: 1 | Developer: Double Fine Productions

Aspiring psychic, Raz, runs away from home to sneak into a summer camp for psychic kids. While there he attempts to learn as much as he can until his parents can come retrieve him, but in the process uncovers a plot that will possibly endanger the campers, teachers and even the world.

The game was a critical darling, but, for whatever reason, wasn't a success. Which is a shame because what awaits those who give the game a chance is an adventure that is well written with likeable characters, funny dialogue and wildly imaginative levels. Players control Raz as he explores the camp and the surreal subconscious minds of those around him while gaining various psychic powers along the way. This provides a wide variety of level design as the minds of the afflicted manifest in many ways that usually reflect whatever mental trauma caused their affliction. The hidden secrets are often actually very tragic, but the game as a whole is very comedic. Raz and pretty much all the characters will have ample opportunity to crack jokes and engage in banter with a stylized, semi-abstract artstyle. The myriad psychic powers are also fun and add more to the game by letting Raz fight and explore in new ways.

The cons are crappy pacing and the myriad fetch quests that gain Raz experience. The whole first half of the game is super easy and then ups the difficulty with no general ramping. The main way for Raz to gain ranks are all just different collections. In the minds, he collects figments, emotional baggage and cobwebs and outside he collects cards, scavenger hunt items, and some other things that I won't spoil. What looks like a variety is just the same fetch quests over and over which can be extremely tedious especially in the case of the figments. But overall it is a fun, colorful, hilarious romp that deserves it's cult following.

Buyers Guide:
Available on the original Xbox, PS2, PSN, 360 as an Xbox Original, Mac and PC. Also through both Steam and GOG.com.

4½ Psychic bacon out of 5

Jikandia: The Timeless Land (2011)

Genre: Action RPG | Players: 1-2 | Developer: Idea Factory

A group of classmates are on a train when they are suddenly thrown into a portal that takes them to the land of Jikandia. A little blue cat thingy tells them he brought them there to stop Time from restarting in Jikandia which will apparently start a bunch of bad shit.The story is actually kind of blah, but the game is at least partly aware of it and is sometimes passive aggressive toward itself. Those moments are chuckle-worthy, but are few and far between. Annoyingly the story is delivered through the smallest test box I have ever seen. It comes half a sentence at a time and often during the action which means players will most likely miss it. There is some time distinguishing between the different characters, but it is sparse and not engaging. The only difference that matters is each classmate uses a different attack. Switching between them adds some strategy to the randomly generated levels.

The game seems to advertise those dungeons as a selling point as well as the "feature" that lets you decide how long you want to be in them; ranging from 3 to 30 minutes. This is a catch 22 as spending too little time will not gain players enough strength to defeat the progressively stronger enemies, but the randomly generated levels aren't interesting enough to warrant a longer time. Longer times will net you more loot and cash, but the cash is useless as the store in the one town is woefully inadequate with a seemingly also randomly generated selection that pales with what players gain fighting enemies and opening treasure chests. I finished the game with over 500,000 bucks and having bought nothing. Each floor only takes a few seconds to run through with varying bonus directives that range from killing all enemies to getting to the next floor in a certain time limit. Completing the directive gains players a star that gives bonuses when five are maintained. Failing to complete them takes a star away, but they are not necessary for advancement.

The RPG part of the game is the most interesting with various weapons with widely varying attack styles and stats to try as well as equippable crystals that enhance stats and give new abilities. Even that variety isn't enough to make the longer time an attractive option though. There is an ad hoc option to go dungeon crawling with a friend and the retro pixel art style is kind of cute, but the game is a barely average button masher that only the most OCD of players would want to keep playing for 100% completion.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on PSP and downloadable on PSN.

2 Dead Like Me name-drops out of 5

.hack//Infection //Mutation //Outbreak //Quarantine (2003)

Genre: RPG  |  Players: 1  |  Developer: CyberConnect2

There is a game, an MMORPG known as 'The World', which has caused a small number of players to fall into a coma. The game’s creators attempt to hush the situation, but the scandal breaks. Despite the danger, a young boy named Kite selflessly enters the game to help his friend Orca, one of the coma victims. Kite believes the answer to the mystery lies within 'The World' itself. He's a hero, but he doesn't know it yet; it’s up to you to guide him to his destiny.

You’ll be accompanied in the early stages by a female player called BlackRose; she plays a crucial part in the drama that unfolds. Together they hunt for a solution to the problem and make a few friends along the way. By the end of the adventure you’ll have many people to call upon to form your party of three. You can swap them in and out between missions… if they're available.

The .hack games present one lengthy story split over four titles. They're a traditional JRPG but resemble an MMORPG that remains one-hundred percent offline. You've a desktop with changeable wallpaper, simulated news updates, a message board that directs you to new areas and even an email client to receive mail from the players you meet in-game. The illusion is maintained by having each character display a message box above their head and attend to personal errands when not in your party. The illusion is only broken when you activate FMV sequences that advance the story, but it’s a welcome intrusion.

Character classes are typical of the RPG genre: swords, axes, magic users etc, so choosing a party is a simple and logical process.

You’re able to transfer game data to each new title so you won’t lose your EXP or inventory, which will be extensive. Weapons aren't customisable, but there are many different kinds, each adding to or reducing your default stats and/or granting new abilities, all of which you'll need.

Happily, levelling-up isn't the endless grind it can be in similar titles. It’s possible to gain levels very quickly if you dare to enter the more dangerous areas.

There's a LOT of gameplay for the JRPG fan. I logged over 130 hours, but I went to many places that aren't necessary while hunting for trade items.

Before you begin, I recommend printing 3 copies of THIS PDF (hosted on MF) to log the level of each item in each character's inventory; it'll make your life simpler.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PS2 only. Each of the four games include a dvd that contains one unique episode of the .hack//Liminality series (see Nut Box for a review). Each episode takes place concurrently with each game, meaning events in the anime collide with story of the game at crucial moments.

4 trips to Δ Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground out of 5