Mega Man 7 (1995)

Treble instead of Ru...who the hell is that on the bottom left?!?!?

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom

This is pretty much going to cement that I have a hard-on for SNES-era Mega Man. No, I’m not counting Soccer -_-  When the classic series FINALLY debuted in the 16-bit arena, the Blue Bomber hit it out of the park with his first and (sadly) last at bat (in the NA region).

The sprites grew to monstrous sizes, the backgrounds vividly brought each level to life, and a greater emphasis was placed on searching for upgrades and secrets. Sure, you could buy all of them in the shop, but why spend bolts on things you can get for free if you’re a thorough enough player? You can save your money for the extra lives needed to tackle Wily IMMEDIATELY after the boss rush. I don’t much appreciate marathon battles (I’m looking at you 1) but I persevered here because I just like this entry THAT much.

There are a few elemental bosses, but one has a neat design, one’s a transformer, and one is an incredibly cool customer with an involved pattern you will love to chase him through once you’ve figured it out. Beyond that we’ve got a vampire, an improvised munitions specialist, Wolverine and.....a pile of junk and a walking spring.....

Shut up, they’re cool.

A new antagonist and his dog debut here and are able to combine just as you were in 6. To counter this, you again don Rush as armor allowing flight and rocket punching action. Honestly, ancillary Mega Man characters outside of Proto Man don’t do much for me, but he’s here too so who am I to complain? He’s even got a special upgrade for you.

It sucks pretty hard that this was the only classic game on the SNES (in NA) and even more that both series lost a lot aesthetically and gameplay-wise for me when they jumped into the Playstation era. As such, for me, this stands alone as a special entry that feels packed to the brim with great ideas and a satisfying sense of completeness.

Buyer's Guide: Originally on the SNES, but don't you dare spend over $100 to get the cart. Mega Man Anniversary Collection: PS2, PS4, Xbox, Xbox One, GameCube, Switch. You know the drill, by now~

4 Energy Tanks are Barely Enough out of 5

Mega Man X3 (1996)

Genre: Platformer | Players: 1 | Developer: Capcom/ Minakuchi Engineering

We’re going to springboard from the few pros to the associated cons. Ikuze.

Some of the Maverick choices are clever (specifically crawfish and seahorse), but we all knew a rhinoceros beetle was inevitable after Kuwanger. Their arsenal isn’t overly inspired or effectively utilized in the requisite collect-a-thon, though. There’s much more to discover than in the first two games, but accessing most of it isn’t very satisfying. The one fully useful upgrade shows where everything is located and this would be great if you were challenged once you found the right areas. Instead, you’re often left drilling walls or busting them open with the new, summonable ride armors. Worst, too many of the items are just sitting in the open  -_-

There are three extra Mavericks that can be run off or completely destroyed for different outcomes, and while the challenge rooms for two of them are directly in the main path of each level this isn’t as inconvenient as it could be. If you fail enough, they’ll sometimes not show up, out of mercy. While that dick move was side-stepped, there are about 3 blind jumps into spikes. Thanks guys. 

The game’s ultimate weapon hinges on how you handle that third maverick. Sadly, this weapon is almost mandatory given the hitbox of the final boss. This brings up a large contention with this series moving forward: upgrades can now actively hinder you. With the buster upgrade, you fire two charged shots and they can combine. However, 99% of the time you want to fire normal, fully charged shots, on the fly. This upgrade makes it so your first shot is smaller and slower. Further, the upward dash is a great idea, but is often picky on which input it wants to follow in the heat of the moment. You want to go horizontal? You might go up, and vice versa.

As a final quibble, the music has discrete looping points where it actually stops momentarily. This has gotten me hurt because I associate the ceasing of the music with the defeat of an enemy. Think the mini-boss is dead? Nope, someone just utterly failed at Looping 101. 2023 Update: This is a problem with the PS1 port. The SNES original's music is perfectly fine. Gee, I wonder how I was able to find this out~

This game still has the trappings of the first game (it even has stage changes based on the order you defeat Mavericks!) and is playable, but it's ultimately dominated by problems that would only grow worse as the series went on.

Buyer's Guide: Originally available on SNES and later the PS1, Saturn, and PC. The 32-bit iterations have additional animated cutscenes and it is this version that was ported to the PC and included in the Mega Man X Collection on PS2, PS4, Game Cube, and Switch. Don't go looking for the original cart. It's obscenely expensive.

2 Cheese Pizzas Hidden by Assholes out of 5

Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days (2009)

Genre: RPG / Action | Players: One / Multi | Developer: Square Enix

358/2 Days is an interquel that begins around the time of the first game’s end, runs parallel with KH: Chain of Memories, and ends a short time before the beginning of KH II. It’s advisable to have played both KH and KH II if you’re to have any hope of following the half-assed story. If you bypass the others and pick this as your first KH experience you’ll be very, very confused. I've played both of them more than once and I was still confused.

Tetsuya Nomura was quoted as saying that if you want to know what the 358/2 means, you’ll need to finish the game. I did, and I still don’t know what it means. Finishing the game didn't answer many questions, it raised more. KH was already a convoluted mess, it didn't need this shit.

The biggest problem with the game is that it’s about Roxas. No one cares about Roxas. I'm aware that he’s supposed to be defined by his lack of personality, but that doesn't give the player anything to connect with. Being Roxas is as dull as licking magnolia paint... in the dark.

You’ll visit familiar worlds and see familiar faces, but once there missions are tedious. Kill Heartless. Collect hearts. Kill Heartless. Collect hearts.

Happily, there are some positives. The gameplay is polished and the controls are responsive. There are a lot of different moves mapped to the DS’s limited number of buttons. There’s even some doubling-up, so it’ll take a while to be able to effectively replenish your Limit (powerful attack), use items or cast magic if you haven’t got what you need assigned to a short-cut.

There’s something called a Panel System that lets you customise your weapon, armour, magic, items, abilities and character level if you have the appropriate slot filler. During missions you can use only the items, spells, etc, that you equipped on your panels prior to setting out. You’ll have to think carefully about what to position where, because things are shaped like Tetris blocks.
As you progress your panel will get larger enabling more items to be attached. It’s an interesting if occasionally frustrating system.

I'm constantly amazed at the visual splendour that devs like Ninty and Square are able to squeeze into such a small screen; it really is beautiful to look at, but I see no reason why it was exclusive to the DS. I didn't use the stylus once. It could easily have been ported to the PSP.

One tip: Before you go for the final boss battle, make sure you've plenty of battery power, because it’ll be a long time before you can save your game.

2½ ice creams out of 5

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep (2010)

Genre: Action RPG | Players: 1 - 6 | Developer: Square Enix

The Kingdom Hearts series has what many thought would be a ridiculous premise; A crossover mash-up of Disney characters and those of Final Fantasy. It is in some ways very ridiculous, but it works if the player just lets it play out. Birth By Sleep is the prequel entry in the series, taking place 10 years prior to the first game. It follows the 3 main protagonists in separate, but concurrent journeys going through different Disney worlds to battle the forces of darkness which manifests as varying monsters called the Unversed.

The combat is smooth action with a touch of RPG leveling that is very satisfying at times, but may be a little daunting for new players as there are a myriad of options and menus to navigate to make the combat effective. There is the command deck that must be stocked with commands akin to the card system of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (slightly streamlined), the action commands that are used outside of battle and the shotlock command which can only be used with the focus gauge. Players have up to 3 decks that can be modified to suit different situations. All these commands also themselves level up and can be melded together to form new commands and modified with crystals to give various equip-able abilities. There is also the Dimension Link which allows players to use the commands of various characters they encounter along their journey as well as the command board which is a minigame that lets players level up their commands in a monopoly-type board game. It's a lot to take in, but with practice the battles become even more exciting and engaging.

Cons are a somewhat easy difficulty even on the harder settings since it is very easy to spam all the options listed above until they recharge which works even on bosses. This entry hardly features any Final Fantasy characters and despite 3 different character stories to go through, is rather short. But a lot is packed into such a small portable package with some excellent animation and voice work (mostly) as I suppose it should be given Disney is an animation studio. The multiplayer is ad-hoc wireless only, but has both competitive and co-op modes and can support up to six players. A wonderful entry in the series that shows the series' progression and yet is still familiar.

Buyer's Guide:
Available for PSP on both UMD and PSN.

4 spoilers given away in the opening animation out of 5

Broforce (Brototype version) (2013)

Genre: Platformer / 3rd Person Shooter |  Players: One or 2 player Bro-op
Developer: Freelives

Broforce is, as the developers say, "a ridiculously violent platform game about being awesome action heroes from the 80s and 90s while slaying satanic terrorists and aliens while unravelling an evil plot to destroy the planet while dealing with being awesome action heroes from the 80s and 90s."

Imagine Metal Slug with destructible terrains as in Worms, minimalist graphics, a very precise maniability and instinctive handling (one button to fire, one to fire a special weapon, one to use a close combat weapon, and press UP to jump).  Then add lots of explosions, and an insane amount of enemies who are sure to end up as meat pieces sprinkled all around.

And then add the characters. no, sorry, the Bros. Brominator. Rambro. Bro Norris. Mister Bro. Bro in Black. Bro Hard. McBrowen. Robrocop. Bro Dredd. Bro Plissken. Indiana Bro; all of whom are unlockable as you progress through the game.
It's still just a prototype, no sorry, a brototype, but it's fun as hell, addictive, and, in a strange way, very soothing.  If you like it, don't forget support them in the Steam greenlight.

4½ nothing soothes me more than blowing shit up out of 5.

WHERE TO GET IT:
You can play online HERE or download a standalone build HERE (Direct DL).

Nutted by Docrate1 (He's a Bro: First Class).

Magic: The Gathering: Duels of the Planeswalkers (2013)

Genre: Strategy  |  Players: 1 - 4  |  Developer: Stainless Games

If you’re considering buying DotP then you probably already have a fair idea of what MTG is. That’s good, because I don’t have the space to explain fully.

In brief, it’s a Collectible Card Game (CCG) in which you play as a Wizard (beard is optional) who uses spells and summons in the form of cards to fight an opposing wizard (or multiple fake wizards). You each begin with 20 HP, and have to chop your opponent’s level to 0 before the same happens to you.

The game will explain the rules, but may also make head will spin. The core rules and general strategies required of you are straightforward enough, but the modifiers and exclusions make things overly-complicated.

Once you've grasped most of what you need to know, you can take it to the field and engage an opponent. The first battle is hard! Your deck is piss-poor, so you’ll have to struggle, strategise and pray to any God of luck that may be listening to help you triumph. Kick ass and you’ll be able to tackle the next opponent.

Each successive opponent is designed to teach you something about the intricacies of gameplay. Some are hateful. If I ever come up against a real life player that uses the kind of cheap win tactics on display here, I’ll be tempted to take the fight across the table and shove the deck up his/her ass – sideways. If you’re going to play a game, play it fair.

You’ll eventually be required to use all you've learned in the tutorial phase to combat a less predictable opponent; they’re essentially Boss Battles that force you to call upon all your resources. You’ll get hammered a lot until you can unlock some better cards for your chosen deck; or even a better deck. There are lots of unlockable cards across all decks to encourage repeated playthroughs.

There's no excuse for the length of time it takes an A.I. opponent to make his/her/it’s move. It even goes through the combat phase when there’s NO CREATURES TO FIGHT WITH! The waiting has no practical purpose, it’s simply bad design. As is the absence of fully customizable decks; you have to use what you’re given in each of the five basic deck colours. You can modify them to a certain degree, but it’s limiting and frustrating to long-time players.

MTG: DotP should've been great, but translating a CCG to a PC/Console experience sucked much the fun out of it. It’s largely due to the absence of real people and real interactions. Meeting with friends, rigging a makeshift table from a milk crate and some plywood, getting rat-ass drunk and making Goblin jokes is what makes MTG so much fun; that experience just can’t be recreated online.

Buyer's Guide:
Not available on disc. It's a download only title.

2½ unfair advantages out of 5

Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon (2013)

Genre: Action / Adventure | Players: 1 - 4 (local and online multi)

Developer: Next Level Games

How do you follow up Luigi's Mansion?  Throw in more mansions!
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon (known outside America as Luigi's Mansion 2) is a pretty neat game starring everybody's favorite Player 2, Luigi.  It’s part of Nintendo's ‘Year of Luigi’ that currently consists of a grand total of one game; it seems like he’ll be a supporting cast member in the rest.  Yeah, totally seeing a lot of green this year Nintendo…

Since his last adventure Luigi has settled into his home, enjoying a nice sit down, when suddenly some asshole "Professor" pixelizes him and sends him to his laboratory.  There he tells Luigi that he NEEDS to retrieve six pieces of the Dark Moon, because it being broken is what’s causing ghosts to go berserk.  And so Luigi reluctantly re-enters the ghost hunting business.  Luigi is sent to his first mansion with nothing but a flashlight.  Gee, thanks, E. Gadd, for forgetting to grab the damn vacuum while you ran away from your home like a girl.

As you progress through the game the mansions seem to get shorter and shorter.  I felt like the first was very fleshed out, had pretty cool puzzle ideas and a very awesome boss fight, but after that it seems like something was missing, or the game was hurried for the schedule release.
You can add to your playtime if you spend time grabbing the emeralds from each mansion.  No, I think I know what you're thinking, you don't turn into Super Luigi.

The multiplayer is a great way to pass the time if you have a couple of buddies that want to go ghost hunting while you have the Ghostbusters theme blasting in the back.  ScareScraper (Thrill Towers as it's known in different parts of the world) can be unlocked as soon as you complete a couple of chapters from the first mansion.  In ScareScraper you can have up to 4 players at a time.  Various modes and difficulties can be set, including how many rooms you want to scale; or if you’re feeling a little ballsy, infinite rooms.  I played a couple of rooms with random players.  I found it fun but very time consuming.  Definitely play when you have extra time in your hands.

Controls are pretty cool; every button has a function and it doesn't feel overwhelming.
The 3D looks awesome.  If you've played Super Mario Land 3D then you’ll know that it was done correct.
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon is all about the right lighting, which is excellent; from small shadows to a single candle it looks great.
Though not a perfect game it is a very good game for our green overall wearing friend.  I enjoyed my time as Player Two.  If you liked the first game, then I’d recommend giving this one a try too.

Buyers Guide:For the 3DS. It’s still pretty new at time of writing, and being a Nintendo game you’ll probably see it stay a steady $35-$40.

4 big fat vomiting ghosts out of 5

Nutted by ASH