Shadow The Hedgehog (2005)

Genre: Platformer / Piece of Shit | Players: 1  |  Developer: Sega USA

I'm not going to bother with a synopsis of the painfully banal game ‘story’. I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible. In brief:

01. The FMV can’t be skipped, and it's all bad.
02. The frame rate is atrocious (although I had to play at 50hz because the 60hz option wasn't working through HDMI for some reason, so there remains some minor doubt there).
03. There’s no sense of the speed that's traditionally associated with Sonic games, because the level design is structured to stop you every ten seconds, rendering it almost unplayable.
04. There are vehicles. They control like bananas.
05. The voices made me want to turn the music up to drown them out. The music made me want to turn the voices up to drown it out. I was in a Catch 22, so I hit mute, but I could still see it. FML.
06. I got as far as the level with the bombs before I gave up the will to live.

It really throws into perspective the other games I've thought were bad over the years - they were Princely treasures compared to Shadow. I'm not attempting hyperbole for comedic effect. I'm completely candid when I say that everywhere you look there's something offensively vile. If you bought Shadow then you have my empathy. If you like Shadow then you're making your mother sad.

I'm trying to think of something positive to say. I guess it’d make a good coaster to set a glass of beer on while I take a giant shit in the game box before posting it back to Sega. I’d consider it a fair trade.

0 charm out of 5

Yakuza: Dead Souls (2011)

aka: Yakuza of the End

Genre: Action / Adventure | Players: 1 | Developer: Sega

Dead Souls is a spin-off from the main Yakuza series but takes place after the events of Yakuza 4, so play 4 first if you can. It's once again set in the (not so) fictional Kamurocho. You're still Kazuma Kiryu, the Dragon of Dojima, the Yakuza with a heart (and a fist to the face if you step out of line), but the plot is less complex than usual, being less concerned about Yakuza politics and more about ridiculous over the top events.

The series always had guns but not like this: the brawling is out and it's guns for everyone. I feared it would be a shitty third person shooter, but it isn't. It's Yakuza through and through, just with guns.

Oh, and zombies. The undead have taken over Kamurocho and it's up to Kazuma and a few other cast members to clean up the (Pink) streets. If you know the map, you can run and gun without stopping from the Kamurocho Hills to Don Quijote. But if you're new to the series you'll likely be spending a lot of time on the map screen plotting the quickest route, getting frustrated about roadblocks and wondering who the hell everyone is.

Yakuza veterans will already know it's one of the finest underappreciated gems of the gaming world. It's consistently good. I've not encountered a glitch in any of the titles, which is rare for an 'open world' game. For a series that uses the same location repeatedly, it's managed to keep things fresh by adding new elements.

The story structure is similar to the previous title in that you control one character at a time until his part has ended; they're on the box art, so that isn't spoiler. Shun Akiyama returns and is his usual lazy self. Better than that, you get to play as Mad Dog Goro Majima. Holy Mother of Fuck! Being Majima is every bit as exciting as I'd always imagined it would be. He's a demon.

The sub-stories are all in place; many of which will have you popping in and out of the quarantine zone to help some poor sap who's lost his wife, or similar. The hostess bars, restaurants, playing pool, darts, table tennis, baseball, getting drunk, gambling, weapon/armour upgrades, etc, are the same as always. It's the Yakuza we've come to love. Once again, Premium Adventure is unlocked, so don't stress over those unfound sub-stories.

5 Shenmue Easter eggs out of 5

Dragon Force (1996)

Genre: Real-time Strategy | Players: 1 | Developer: Sega

An overlooked title for the US-ignored Sega Saturn that has become a cult classic.

Gameplay:
The game takes place on an over world map where players choose one of 8 kingdoms and attack and defend castles to take territory and conquer the other 7 kingdoms. Battles take place from a side view of the battlefield where players control a general and an army. Players choose formations, give commands and use special moves to defeat the opposing army before the timer runs out. Armies can be comprised of up to 100 soldiers on both sides. Troop types range from standard soldiers and cavalry to more mythical ones like harpies and zombies. Each type has strengths and weaknesses versus other types. For example, soldiers are great against beasts, but lose to cavalry and cavalry loses to beasts. Sort of a rock-paper-scissors with more options. Quick and simple, but fun and even addicting.

Graphics:
Sprites are done in a charming cartoon style and the game doesn’t chug even with full 100 man armies on both sides. Quite a feat back then. FMV’s are done in an anime style, but the old video quality doesn’t hold up as well as the sprites.

Sound:
The soundtrack is quite good with various character themes, relaxing “at rest” melodies and catchy battle tunes. Each troop type has only one death sound which is kind of funny when many die in quick succession, but overall not very noticeable.

Story:
The kingdom of Fandaria has declared war on the entire continent of Legendra and the player must unite the kingdoms while searching for the titular Dragon Force.

Buyer’s Guide:
The game is a collector’s item so expect to shell out cash to own it. About $200 will get a mint copy and $50 might get a used one online. Or you can import the PS2 re-release that was only available in Japan.

5 god-fighting holy dragons out of 5